So Husband has been drinking heavily for 6 days. Yesterday he was unable to get out of bed and has flu like symptoms. This happens every time after his drinking sessions. He phoned up his sisters and tell them I’m a horrible person. Night before last his sister phoned me up screaming at me. I just broke down in tears. If I defend myself I hang him out to dry. There is a pattern we have drinking and angry phone calls to his family, followed by flu like symptoms, then he drinks and becomes very needy to the point he won’t let me sleep and follows me to the bathroom. Then it starts over. A few nights ago he went mad coz he thought he knew what I was thinking. I’m stressed out and I don’t know weather or not to be frank with his sisters?
What do I do?
Xx
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dizti
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I really feel for you hon, you are doing your ery best to support your husband , but his sisters are clueless! It sounds likke you need a break and some real support. This may sound rash and outlandish but have you considered taking him to see his sisters? Pack him some clothes etc and take it with you. They need to see first hand how sick your husband is , Simply say its time he spent some quality time with them and then leave. Give them the details of this site so they can see for themselves how serious it is and they may then realise he is a very lucky man to have such a loving caring wife. Its called hard love . You can talk until your blue in the face trying to explain how alcohol addiction is affecting him, but seeing is believing. I appreciate it won't be easy for you, but it could benefit you both , his family have to realise he is very poorly. It does sound as if the alcohol is affecting his brain,I know others can explain this is and how it is affecting him.It sounds like he needs medical intervention, you can call the helpline on here to get advice and information. His sisters must surely realise he is alcohol dependent, they seem to be burying their head in the sand. I hope you find a resolution sooner rather than later Hazel xx
Thank you Hazel. One of the sisters lives in the other side of the country and the other sister is close by but have suggested he stay with her for a few days but he won’t do it. Xx
Can’t you both go. If he’s bad often then he might be bad even if you’re there as well? I hate to say this but maybe get the beers in? I know when there were beers around I’d have them irrespective of where I was. Of course I’m not saying provoke him into drinking but sometimes the means suits the ends (not sure if I have said that correctly but I hope you know what I mean) despite how unpalatable it may seem?
Good luck dizti I’m sure we all feel really really sorry for you in your predicament.
Poor you ☹️ I know a secret alcoholic who won’t do anything or be seen after 7pm as he goes home to drink. Your husband clearly doesn’t want his sisters to see how much he drinks.
I’m an ex-drinker and thankfully gave up before any real damage was done, but the thought of carrying on drinking, getting ill and putting my wife through such pain is haunting.
Can you see your GP to discuss this? It’s putting a huge strain on you too. It does sound like social services could help.
I have first hand experience regarding alcohol/drug addiction and fighting to get some of my 'clients' sectioned. The major difference is that it is not just a case of someone being addicted to alcohol. The favourite reason for discharging people the following morning was drug/alcohol induced psychosis!. Ditzi's man is diagnosed with liver disease and so they can't pull that one because its likely his behaviour is due to the damaged liver.illness . The staff hid when I took someone to the mental health unit! I took one guy to hospital, he was in dire need of being checked out.. I admit I may have been economical with the truth as to why I was taking him lol. I had his Mum with me too, 3 out of 4 sons were alcoholics, genes from their Grandma. I couldn't document some of the comments I made, but he stayed and went on to detox! The smallest steps made my work worthwhile
Sounds like paranoia and the hepatic encephalopathy, all part of the disease Im affraid. He needs to be in hospital to give you a break and to get him detoxed. You cannot go on like this indefinately. They all seem to be taking you very much for granted at a time when you need to be supported not broken.
I called 999 paramedics came they called the ambulance and took my hubby in. Despite him continually arguing that there was nothing wrong with him. Tell the paramedic he is confused, paranoid and verbally abusive even tell them he is still drinking and he needs to be detoxed. Let them know you are exhausted by the whole situation. xx
The other thing I remember they did for my husband was to get him referred to the mental health hospital for checks. Has he had that done yet? I believe it's now called the Julian clinic or centre. Its on the Bowthorp Road off Dereham Road. I expect you know where that is ?
H E , that is the name, had a brain fog.It can be treated but your husband isnt aware how he is behaving.If you request the Police to attend with the paramedics, they can arrange for him to be sectioned , he is a danger to himself and could be to you, do not inform him of your actions, it is to help him and it needs medically trained specialists to do this. He follows you around because he is scared. .This is what I meant by hard love. I did a similar thing when my adult daughter was in agonising pain. I went to her house as her husband was at work. She refused a ambulance too. I spoke to the call centre and she was shouting at me No Mum, Im not going! I simply said she is delirious with the pain, she has a high temperature too. Boy did I get an ear bashing! It took the paramedics 2 hours to get her pain under control before she could be moved. She was in theatre first thing next day, of course she was so grateful then, but it was hard love and she was livid at the time because I said she had lost the plot. Once you get your man hospitalised insist on his sisters speaking to the consultants and/or ward sister. In spite of him acting this way he is aware that hospital means no alcohol, this is why he refuses to go. You love him and want to help him, anyone can see that. Be strong and dont warn him. Hoping you get the support and help you both need. xx
Hi dizti, I'm so sorry for your situation. I sounds like your husband has HE, and be very careful that verbal abuse doesn't turn into physical abuse. Laura and Hazel have given you good advice. He has to be made to face the reality of his drinking problem, by fair means or foul. Surely his sisters must know of his problem. You might have to try and expedite his hospital internment, for your own sake. Sorry for being blunt, but as Laura and Hazel have said you need to act now for your own health's sake.
I pray you find the courage to meet the problem head on.
Hi Dizti, I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. I know exactly how you feel, as my husband drank for years. It was horrendous! He was a firefighter so retired at 50. It was part of our social life to go out with the other fireman and drink, but my husband always drank to excess. When I came back from work each day he was usually asleep on the settee and he'd had a bottle of wine. He started hiding drinks in the hedge and I actually caught him doing this once. He'd go for a round of drinks, but order another one for himself and drink it whilst he was there. It made my life unbearable, I gained a lot of weight and lost interest in everything. We stopped having sex and he told me it was because he didn't fancy me anymore because I was so fat. This was partly true, but the insults I received when he was drunk were awful. I tried leaving him a couple of times but found it didn't make any difference as I always went back. I'd had one failed marriage (nothing like this though) and didn't want another one. I joined Al-Anon, an organisation to help relatives of alcoholics, but found this a bit too religious for me. I did learn one thing though that the women and men there told me, you shouldn't enable their drinking. My husband would go out with his son once a week and invariably miss his train stop on his way home or miss the bus and he'd ring me to pick him up. He made me feel so guilty I always went to get him as I thought he might die and I would be responsible, but what they told me to remember is that it is an alcoholic's choice to drink and they should be responsible for whatever happens to them. Not an easy decision to make, but they were right.
Eventually, it was so unbearable for me I was making myself ill. They're unreasonable aren't they? so I'd suggest selling the house and buying 2 separate places. No chance, so whilst I was away celebrating my daughter's 30 birthday, I'd decided that on my return that was it, I would just leave the house, stop my payments into our account and leave him to it. Anything was better than the life I was leaving. On my return he picked me up from the airport, with our friend, and he was yellow, skin and eyes and he told me he'd given up drinking on my birthday. From then on, things slowly got better and for 3 years his health seemed to improved until his abdomen swelled up. The hospital told my husband he had cirrhosis of the liver and after a scan, he was told that if he'd have carried on drinking when he gave up he'd have been dead in a week. My husband's health deteriorated after this hospital visit, slowly at first, but rapidly in the last 9 months before he was lucky to receive a liver transplant in 2017. He is now healthy and has not drank for 6 years.
Unless your husband can stop drinking all together, I'm not sure you'll ever be happy. You need to look after yourself too. I hope he will see sense and stop before it is too late and he not only loses you, but his life. It's not easy to watch someone dying of cirrhosis, its a long painful death and its hard on the person who looks after them too. My friend has just lost her brother to the disease. It is more common than people realise.
I wish you all the luck in the world. If ever you need to talk, contact me xx
You are so right. Watching your loved 1 kill themselves in this way is horrendous.
Alcohol takes over their whole life, strips them of the person you fell in love with. The lies the stealing, the deceit just to get another bottle down them.
I too had to close joint bank accounts, take on a 2nd job to make up for his loss of earnings when he became too ill to work. I had to sell his car to stop him driving because he would think nothing of jumping in it to drive home after having a skinful in the pub.
I literally had to think on my feet, be 10 steps ahead of him all the time and try to give my children as normal a life as possible until the day came where I knew I couldnt avoid them seeing just how dangerous his condition had become.
It was when his boss phoned up and asked to speak to him. I told him he was at work, it was when he said he hadnt been in for over a week that I snapped. Like a thing possessed I ripped his clothes from the wardrobes and bundled them in black bags, crying in rage and frustration at finding empty cider cans shoved in his jacket sleeves and at the bottom of his golf bag. I shovelled everything into my car, confronted him when he got ... drunk of course, the rage inside my gave the strength l needed to bundle him into the car and drove him to his mother. Like Diztis 2 sisters... also in denial, but boy did that give her and his sister the wake up call they needed.
So he was there for 18 months. His health continued to decline, I still took him to all doctors and hospital appointments, eventually after a 2nd detox and turning yellow he kind of admitted he might 'have a drink problem' or 'the drugs they have given me have made me turn yellow!' He got weekly 1 to 1 councelling at his Mums.
Although desperately ill and barely able to walk at times, the man l had fallen in love with all those years ago started to emurge once more. I agreed to have him home at weekends and that if he managed to stay dry he could come back home. He did stay dry for 3 months.
It was one of those weekends when he woke me saying he knew he was cold and knew he was going to die. His nose was bleeding profusely, l called an ambulance. To cut a long story short, as many here have heard it before, he died in intensive care 12 days later from Alcoholic liver disease, kidney failure and broncho pneumonia. I kept my promise, he did come home, sadly though not as Id hoped, but in a hearse.
There are so many of us who have been through the same and every story I read and every tale I here breaks my heart.
You are so so blessed that you were able to receive the precious gift of a new liver and wish you only the very best for your future. ❤
Thank you too for sharing your story. I know from experience talking about the dangers of alcohol and what it can and does lead to all to often, really does help others realise just how devastating for families it truly is.
Hi Laura, my heart breaks when I read your story and when I heard about my friend's brother dying, it just brings all those horrible memories back. When he was drinking really heavily, heaven forgive me, but I almost wanted him to die because we were both suffering so much. My husband was on his way to dying, I'm sure he didn't have long left, but he was so lucky. I look at him now and he looks healthier than he has done in years, and we both thank the brave donor's family for the gift they so painfully gave us at their expense.
I wish by telling people what you and I have been through would help others stop drinking, but I'm sure we both know what it's like, an addict has to decide for themselves to stop killing themselves. I'm sure, like me, the experience you went through with your husband has changed everything about you. I'm definitely not the person I used to be and when my husband first stopped drinking, I wasn't convinced so kept looking in places for hidden cans of cider.
I hope you will now lead a happier life and find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved, although, I think my experiences may have put me off men altogether.
Thats the one thing that sticks in my mind clearer than anything and don't feel right for saying but its the mixed emotions I went through. From wishing I could fix him, wanting him to recover to whats the point... why dont you just die and make it easier for everyone. I know it's wrong but when you are going through this living nightmare not knowing what to do or where to turn for help, all this goes through your mind.
He died 9 years ago he was only 54. Thankfully despite the booze we did have many happy years, some wonderful holidays around the world and 2 beautiful children whom I adore and who he would be extremely proud of. I see all that was good in him in my son now. Now 26, he has happy memories of his Dad and although extremely brave through it all, did take himself off to a bereavement councellor around the time which would have been his birthday.
He said she was incredible, just sat and listened while he cried like a baby, she did too and felt the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders.
Many agony aunts will always say ' don't underestimate children's ability to cope with death, they are very resilient' .... utter rubbish, they may have the ability to hide it well but they certainly do hurt which we need to be aware of and handle accordingly.
My daughter who was 11 when he died said recently that she has no memory of him ever being well, so I got a box of holiday photos out so she could see how happy we all used to be. That really helped her.
So today I am very happily married to a wonderful man who drinks milk and ribena. My daughter still lives at home with us. My son has his own place and we are all thriving.
But there's still a special little place in my heart for Andy ❤
I’m so glad you found happiness. One of my husband’s sons still doesn’t speak to him and the other one has only recently come back to see him. He said some horrible things to them too. I thought he was dying one point and through friends sent a message to tell them, but neither of them came so he must have hurt them badly, and this was after he’d given up drinking.
My first husband was boring and away from home a lot, so my present husband seemed exciting, but I often used to wish for my boring life. You’re so right about the mixed emotions, I think I had a nervous breakdown in the end. It affected my whole life and I ended up getting made redundant. I have a part time job now that I love, but I was and still am to some extent, resentful that he’s at home all day. At least he’s working on improving the house now whereas before nothing got done.
At least now we enjoy our time together.
Glad you don’t let your children think that their dad had a lot of good qualities, they need to hold onto that.
Yes I vowed not to do or say anything to make the children resent him. That wouldnt do any one any good.
I do hope you can get a good relationship going within the family again. Life is too short to hold grudges for years. Somehow .. hard as it may be... make them see it was the drink talking not the man?
Yes, life’s too short. They’re not my children, I have a daughter who gets on well with her step dad. Unfortunately, the boy’s mum was not as kind as you and poisoned their minds x
You're so right although I'd say make him rather than let him! The problem is, they are in denial about his drinking much like my inlaws were. It's the 'shame' thing. These days here is no shame in alcohol abuse its everywhere. Its the industry which should be hanging its head in shame
Sounds very familiar to what i have done recently and resulted in my liver crying enough and turning me yellow. Eventually I broke down and confessed everything and got the help I needed. He needs to want to accept help; unfortunately you are caught in the middle and his family are not prepared to accept he has a problem.
My wife was and still in on tender hooks but now that I’ve fessed up she is in it with me to get things sorted. My family are also incredible supported now that I have admitted everything. Does his sister know the extent of his drinking? Mine didn’t but suspected and wasn’t surprised when it all imploded. Have you any family you can lean on?
I sympathise as someone who was doing the same to my wife as your husband is doing to you.
Hi there, his sister who is a doctor now knows because I told her the other day. His friend who actually contacted me the other day now knows too. I have to say he has one amazing friend in him. I don’t have family in this country unfortunately but I do have a lovely mum and she is very supportive yet very worried!! The one thing I feel is positive is that he asked his friend for help as he says he can’t stand himself. So private counselling has been arranged and he starts it on Tuesday, he is also seeing his gp on Tuesday for blood tests etc.
Well done you and keep the good work up!!
You know you will feel better and happier as a result at the end of the day and I promise you that the sober you will not only have a better quality of life but more laughs and fun too!!
That's good news hubby has accepted he has a problem, and is getting help. Please God he continues, and gives up the alcohol, with or without help. Just remember that you are a sufferer of this too.
Sounds like there is no helping him at this point ... he is doing this to himself, I would quit answering his family’s phone calls ... it is obvious they do not care either. You can only do so much, he has to admit he has a problem before things can get better !!
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