Following on from my previous posts, my partner was admitted to hospital for the 3rd time on 19 Feb with Jaundice and fatigue. While in hospital he became really confused and aggressive, developed sepsis, covid and was admitted to ICU as his blood pressure was extremely low, its was the worst admission so far and thought it was the wake up call he needed.
He was discharged on Feb 27th and diagnosed with Cirrhosis but compensated and is on a a whole load of meds and has appointments for Colonoscopy, US Scan, Fibroscan etc.
On Monday (less than 2 weeks since he came out of hospital) I heard him open a can while i was in the kitchen cooking dinner, when I confronted him he said he was really sorry and it was just a one off as he had had a really bad day (he was upset at losing his father in Jan).
Yesterday evening, my son informed me that he could hear his dad in the garden opening cans (his bedroom is at the back of the house and his window was open) and he'd heard about 4 being opened. When i looked beside the sofa, there they were 😪. Again he said sorry but i fear this is going from bad to worse again and it wont be long before he is back in hospital.
I really don't know what to do now, do I just let him get on with it and watch him destroy himself or is there any hope of him being able to turn things around?
I know no one can give me the answer, I just wanted vent on this forum and see if there is anyone out there is the same situation so i don't feel so alone with it all.
Thank you
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MissS_Zebra9
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Didn't want to read and not comment.so sorry you are having all this going on.i grew up in a household with my heavy drinking father and I have a husband who drinks a lot too.its so difficult,all I can say is you must look after yourself you can only support your husband but ultimately its up to him.sending hugs x
so sorry to hear this about your husband. Sadly (as a person in a similar position as your husband) it is so very difficult just to give up. You really want to, but without the right support it is almost impossible. It’s always there, you’ll always have an excuse. I’ll just have one, then leads to more. He is obviously very ashamed that he is hiding it from you, which in itself then causes you to then drink more. It’s like a crutch you need to support you, there is the fear you will lose the crutch then what do you do?
Everyone is different and needs different help and support and I don’t have the answers. For me I always thought I was in control. Hid the amount I was drinking, convinced myself I wasn’t ill and tried all sorts to cure myself. It took friends persuading me to go to hospital very ill with ascites and finally admitting to myself, I was at rock bottom and speaking to an amazing alcohol support nurse who didn’t make me feel ashamed, that I was ill and I decided I wanted to live. I had a long way back, however 6 years on and I am doing well.
Do look after yourself, I know you are doing an amazing job and hopefully he will be able to stop drinking and get the right support that works for him. 🫂
L to did not stop when doctors told me I thought drinking can’t do that much harm I was only drinking pints no shorts then one more time in hospital they told me again so I would stop for a year but it was to late for me my bloods were still sky high and I was pure yellow they told me I need a transplant now I never stopped when told to I was so I’ll I could hardly walk sleep get dressed it was torture for 2 years your husband would not want to go though that lucky I got on transplant list and got one in 5 months really quick your husband could avoid all the suffering if he stops now people think they can’t live without it but once you stoped for a few months you adjust to your new life let him read this from someone who has been though it it not worth it good luck Lon
Your story is unfortunately not unusual 😕 But there are support groups out there for you. It may help you to contact some and see how they can help. Unfortunately, it seems that your partner does not have the means to stop, and that leaves you and your children living on eggshells. This is such an awful position for you all, but only he can decide to stop drinking, but you can decide if you want to stay and watch? I agree you need to focus on your children and yourself, I really hope you find an answer, you probably know it already. Good luck to you all x
as others have said, only he can make the decision to stop but the one thing that's helped me, starting from daily drinking that affected everything for years, has been focusing on how much better life was on any days I didn't drink and realising I could enjoy the mornings when I woke up with a clear head. I don't know if he's reduced enough recently to maybe get a feeling for how life could be without the drink? You can't decide for him and I expect he needs not to feel pressured by family about the hidden drinking, but gently reminding him there are times he can feel good again is one thing you can maybe do for both of you xx
Thank you all for your kind words, advice and support, it really does mean so much and to know that I am not alone.
Unfortunately, things did take a turn for the worse last night as when i came home from work at 6.30pm I found my partner on the floor with a large bump and cut to his forehead. He wasn't making much sense and couldn't walk so rang for an ambulance.
By the time they arrived he had managed to crawl up the stairs and was able to talk more sense so they assessed him and wanted to take him to hospital but he completely refused so they decided they were happy to leave him at home as I was there to monitor him and advised that if he was still confused in the morning to take him to A&E.
He is much better this morning apart from hurting everywhere but I have no idea how he fell and how and nor does he which is frightening.
So sorry to hear he has had a fall and hurt his head. Can you speak to the hepatology team and see if they can recommend some other ways he can be supported. Has he had the opportunity to talk with anyone who has been in a similar situation and come through it?
I cannot imagine what it is like for you to go through this. Please do some self care🙏🫂
It was his doctor that said compensated due there being no ascites. Unfortunately they didnt check ammonia levels for the HE but I'm almost certain he has it.
"Cirrhosis but compensated" - he needs to keep it this way. He can by not drinking again. HE will be back in the hospital very soon if he doesnt stop. His condition could also change quickly to De-compensated and that is a much worse outcome.
HiI am still struggling with my husbands death not quite a year ago. (He turned 53 in hospital) In december 2022, we knew "he drank too much" and needed to cut back. Elevated LFT swollen right leg etc. So in 2023 he did significantly"cutback"
January 2024 while travelling i took him to hospital. Diagnosed decompensated liver cirrhosis. Stayed 10 days released with a program to reboot his liver. Albumin infusions etc.
10 weeks later he was dead.
Noone told him the year before how sick he really was. It was always focussing on his drinking rather than his health. The truth is your husband is compensated. As soon as he tips over into decompensated he will be fighting for his life. Tubes in his stomach to release ascites (fluid) etc.
Turn the conversation around. My husband was never diagnosed until it was too late. He was never told his stage and what would be the hospitalisations and treatments that came next. By the time we knew it had gone too far. He was bewildered and scared.
Cirrhosis is insideous. It sneaks up 1minute you are having lunch, next minute ....hospital and your chance to fix things are passed. This is your husbands chance!
They talked transplant but he never made it to the 6 months without alcohol. So they didn't give him 1. I didn't know i was watching him die they never told me til 6 days before.
So the big question is-
DOES HE WANT TO LIVE?
Does he drink out of sheer habit? Rather than needing alcohol? My husband was fine with zero beers on the times he was out of going those 10 weeks. Try some zero beer? Why is alcohol even in the house?
If he isn't taking it seriously yet - you need to get him to understand.. He's sick. He's not in trouble per se, he's doing himself harm...that you love him and want him to stick around.
Make him AWARE of the need to change
Give him a DESIRE to change
Focus on what he will gain rather than what he thinks he is losing at this point.
Help him change. Get alcohol out of the house. Provide substitutes (zero beer etc)
Until he understands the imperative to change he probably just thinks it's not fair he cant drink anymore.
He's got to understand the WIIFM (what's in it for me)
He doesn't know what's coming.. do research or get a doctor to explain decompensated liver disease...because he is heading there and it is the line you cross to end stage liver disease. He's at the threshold right now....sorry I've babbled, but what my husband and I would do now if we had known.......
I wish you well....its his mindset that needs to change now
Hi Yogi23, I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, it must be extremely difficult for you and sending you love and hugs.
Unfortunately, my partners knows how ill he is, he knows he has an alcohol problem, he knows how much he is hurting our family yet he still continues to drink.
Your Question - Does he want to Live? His answer is he would rather drink and have a shorter life!! Therefore, at the moment he has no desire to change.
He has been in hospital 3 times now, each time has been offered community support, support from all his friends and family, we have all bent over backwards to help him. The alcohol nurse spoke to him just before he left hospital a couple of weeks ago and explained what will happen to him and that all the help is there to support him but he has refused point blank, he is a very stubborn man and very difficult to deal with.
We have NO alcohol in the house at all, he has a car and is able to go and buy it himself and i believe he parks somewhere and drinks so he can keep it secret, I've found empty cans hidden in back of cupboards, wardrobes, behind guinea pig hutch etc.
The kids have written letters , cried and begged him to stop but nothing and I mean NOTHING and NO ONE can get through to him. He has stolen from kids, he has made endless promises which he never keeps. He lies to everyone. It was only last week that I came home from taking my daughter gymnastics to find that he had collapsed and hit his head and had to call an ambulance, they said he was intoxicated and he refused to go to hospital.
The kids (18 and 15) cannot take anymore including myself. Until he can admit he needs help then I'm afraid we can do no more, we are exhausted and it will make us ill if he continues along this path.
Unfortunately there are people you just cant help and my partner is one of them, that is the sad truth 😪
Thank you for your reply. And I'm sorry to hear he would rather drink than live. So if he knows - you've done everything you can. Quite a different situation to my husband. He was never toldI wish you all the best
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