Hi everyone, I'd not had a drink since January but lost control yesterday. Ended up having a lot. Felt I was 'cured' but obviously it never leaves you. I'm in so much pain today, it's unbearable. And so cross with myself. Just don't know what to do anymore. It was stress, I can't find a way of coping without alcohol. This really worries me, I don't want to die. Any advice would be most welcome. Thanks
Devastated I drank : Hi everyone, I'd... - British Liver Trust
Devastated I drank
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AnnaTT
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59 Replies
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Hi Anna start again
I'm.on here because my daughter has been diagnosed with auto immune hepititus.
i myself though drank excessively for about a year two years ago but I've been I. Recovery since may 2016 , i attend regular aa meetings it has really worked for me.
Thanks for your reply 
So sorry to hear about your daughter. Yes I just have to start again. So annoying putting all that work in and failing.
well you haven't failed it was a slip. Don't beat yourself up too much new day fresh start xx
failure is not falling down, it happens to us all, failure is not getting up when you,ve fallen. Can you ring someone like AA now, or you can get them online if you prefer i think, you really need support from somewhere ( i have not used them myself, but have been in your shoes many, many times ). Don,t use this blip, as an excuse to start again, Please!.
AnnaTT,
To echo and add to what others have told you.
The fact that you are telling us that you have 'failed' is clear evidence that you have determination to overcome your difficulties.
My only advice is to not fall into the trap of counting the days and feeling that you have returned to day zero. You stopped in January and that should be where you keep 'the day you began to end drinking.' Otherwise, you will see stopping as some kind of mountain that you will never climb.
All you did was demonstrate that you are human and a lifetime of living in a certain way cannot be changed easily or overnight.
So be positive and know that for all those who might give you a hard time, there are also those, me included, who have been through this and will give you all the support you need.
You are not alone.
Take care,
Jim
Hi Jim, thanks for replying. Brought tears to my eyes! Been a hard day. You've made me see things more positively. Was keeping a daily count for sober days and felt gutted to restart. But I'll keep it as it is like you suggest. Otherwise it does feel like a huge mountain to climb. I feel it's good to be honest about this. To myself and others. Facing up to the stark reality. I appreciate your help x
plus anna remember if you went bad bad living abroad might not have the care and support here xxxxxxxxx
AnnaTT• in reply to
I'm actually living abroad at the moment - Spain. So very hard to obtain help 
xxx
There are AA meetings in spain. look at this site a
nd type in the search spain alcoholicsanonymous.co.uk/
please don't feel alone they can help you.kind regards steve in the uk
Hi Anna. So sorry you're finding it such a struggle. I guess it never completely leaves you but you have done really well and I'm sure you can again with all the good advice you have already been given.
Try not to connect alcohol with stressful situations. Whenever you feel stressed you need to focus on something other than a drink which is not going to solve the problem it will just add to it. You'll also be stressing over having that drink so your stress levels will be doubled. You have to deal what ever problem is facing you or walk away from it for a while..... literally go for a walk, think about how to solve the problem with a clear head, go back and do it. Or talk about it. We are all here and happy to listen and chuck in a bit of advice if we can! I know, easier said than done, but it's about training your brain to use a different outlet. I am a great advocate of exercise being a great stress buster and antidepressant. Good luck. Have a good happy sunny weekend 🌞🌻🌹
AnnaTT• in reply to
Hi Laura, I wrote a long reply the other day but it seems to have gone missing! Thanks so much for your reply. You're always so lovely and helpful. Been in bed pretty much since drinking. Everyone's telling me to go out in the sun but I'm in so much pain. Think I just need to stay away from bars and restaurants a lot longer than expected. I'm under so much pressure to be sociable but sod them to be honest. It's about me and my health not them! Back on the wagon again or is it off the wagon?! Can't remember...not drinking anyway! Xxx
• in reply toAnnaTT
Yes. Think of YOU and your health and what's right for you. Thankyou for your kind words. I just hate seeing more and more people falling victim to this deadly stuff and the devastation it causes the families. Steer clear of temptation as much as you can. It may help to actually tell your social circle about your situation. But be firm if they start laughing it off saying come on 1 won't hurt.
When my husband died and people were saying but hes so young was it a heart attack and I'd say no it was alcohol they couldn't believe saying really ? I had no idea.... if I'd known I wouldn't have given him those cans or bought him that pint etc etc.
I'm still learning and discovering so much even 8 years after his death. I really hope you can beat it and live a long happy healthy life.
See your doc regularly so you build a good understanding relationship. The more he sees you want and need to quit and become healthy, I'm convinced the more support you will get. Don't suffer alone and in silence.
Lots of love
L x
AnnaTT• in reply to
Still so sorry about your husband It must have been horrendous. Yes I've told everyone. Some are supportive and some encourage me to drink. The latter are not friends clearly. I find it better to keep to myself. It's difficult as I'm in a remote part of Spain. So no regular doctor etc. Just have myself to rely on and put in the hard work. I can do it Love Anna xx
The important thing is you know it was wrong and that you shouldnt continue on. I know many people who try and stop drinking and then drink bad one day and tell themselves i guess it wouldnt hurt if i just drank till the end of the week and stopped cold turkey after that. The thing is, they never do. Im speaking from personal experience and im only 25.
Hi. I sympathise with you! I've been battling the bottle for about 18 months now and it's not easy, mainly because - for me - I always felt OK with my drinking and I've been drinking for about 50 years without any real problem until recently!
I have engaged with 'AdAction' - a drink/drugs support agency but what I felt I really wanted and needed was 1 to 1 councilling and this I cannot get on the NHS.
I find it difficult to finally accept that the best and only way is to completly stop drinking for good. And the more often one stops and then starts again the worse it is because you always think you'll survive. I think one does need support and as I live on my own it's quite easy to 'just have a little drink' sometimes. I end up feeling terrible and therefore force myself to stop again!
I think everyone has their own reasons for not stopping drinking..
Best wishes,
Ron
Hi Ron, sorry for the delay. I've been in bed recovering again today. Really cross with myself but just have to learn. I totally understand what you're saying, you put it really well. The part about stops and starts - I know that feeling all too well. And yes you think you'll survive. Been that way for similar to you - 18 months since being diagnosed with liver damage. I live alone too so yes I understand what you're saying. And it's the social part of going to the pub I miss. End up at home all the time. Not heard of AdAction. Will Google it. I was referred to a alcoholics help unit by my GP. It was in West Yorkshire but I'm sure they have them everywhere. That was for counselling. Thanks for your reply, it really made sense and so much like my experience! Best wishes to you too x
• in reply toRonShirt
Hi Ron. My husband was given 1 to 1 councelling by the nhs after his 2nd detox. It was through the Mathews project here in Norwich. There may be something similar in your area I'd really push for it if I were you. It really does work. Unfortunately it was too late for my husband but he was dry for the last 3 months of his life and wouldn't and couldn't have done it without them xx
Hi Anna, Trying to live a life alcohol free is a tough one. I drank alcoholically for many years, and many times I tried to stop only to end in what I saw as “adject” failure. Once I had started again I hit the “fuck it” button and the cycle just kept repeating itself.
My first observation is that you are very brave to come on here and seek help, in such an open and honest way. Secondly and this is just my experience, it doesn’t matter that you have had a slip, it’s a learning experience and now you are convinced that you can’t do this on your own and you will never be “cured”.
I go to AA and god willing if I last until October I will not have had a drink for 16 years. This is not to brag, this is merely to show that long term abstinence is possible. I would not swap my life today for my old life for all the money in the world, even though I have a terminal prognosis. Sobriety is an incredible gift, but just stopping drinking isn’t enough, I already did that countless times. As I said my experience is AA based. As a result I act better as a person. I have “true” friends who understand me. I am never alone and my life is just fantastic. My wife is still with me (coming up 37 years married), my grown up kids think the world of me, my grandkids smother me in love and affection. What’s not to like. They don’t sell “recovery”in the supermarket, we have to work for it. Sometimes the work is tough, but it is so so worth it. Keep us updated on your progress and if you want to chat I will happily give you an email address to contact me on.
Ray
Hi Ray, thanks so much for your reply. Sorry for the delay. Been in bed dying lol. No it's not funny, but haven't laughed since I drank on Thursday. Wow you've done so incredibly well. Can't help but be jealous. And to hold down a relationship! Something else I'm bad at! Yes I'm very familiar with the 'fuck it' button and it is a constant cycle. Thought I'd stopped that so it's been a shock this week. Thanks for saying I'm brave. I just feel stupid to be honest. But yes I'm always open and honest about the problem. I know sobriety is worth it. And no it isn't easy...unfortunately. Even harder as all my family are alcoholics. Anyway back to bed...!! X
You poor thing, I'm so sorry you've experienced this slip up while dealing with the stress of your illness. I've been thinking about you & wanted to send positive thoughts (not sure really how to articulate what I am thinking/feeling). I came across this and wondered if the link offered practical support for you to start again and minimise that dreadful process of "beating oneself up" rehab-recovery.co.uk/articl...
I don't like offering advice, as that's not always what people want. But when I've had a bad day, befor I go to sleep I ask myself "what's the other thing that went right?" It could be I made a cup of tea without spilling water, it could be I remembered to put the recycling out, or that I liked the feel of a breeze on my face, or I got to the loo on time.
The very best of wishes
Shazz
AnnaTT• in reply to
Hi Shazz, thanks so much for replying. You made me laugh and cry a little! Very emotional, beating myself up in bed with remorse. It's all fun at chez Anna! I'll have a look at that link, thanks Think we tend to be hard on ourselves, Maybe that's why we turn to drink. But you're right, it's important to think of positive things. Even just little things. I do try implement that. The very best to you too x
Heh Anna don’t beat yourself up we’re all human. I slipped 2 months in. Worst ever!!! You can do it. I’m at 3 yrs 2 months it can be done! Proof is in all these replies! Be strong.
Don't try to deal with this alone! I'm in the same boat and already have end stage liver disease and much more but I've learned you HAVE you open up to someone. I highly recommend skipping the extrenuos stuff and just detox ( medically if necessary. Librium might help but only for short term!) then go straight to meetings and Behavioral Health. Avoid replacing alcohol with other substances. You need to make a decision to be healthy and love yourself. Odds are there are underlying psychological issues that need to be addressed. Liking to drink and how it makes you feel at the time is just all excuse to avoid what drives you to drink to the point you no longer have control. All seriousness.. GET HELP! This will kill you unless you choose life and let others help you. They're is no shame in needing a helping hand. That's really what makes us so human is our need for help and to help each other. Best wishes on your journey to health and freedom!
Hi, thanks for replying and helping me. I live in Spain currently so hard to obtain help. I did see a psychologist for 2 years when I was in Yorkshire. I've had help but maybe need ongoing counselling. I do talk to friends but it's hard for people to understand. They can either manage their intake or are in denial they have a problem. Thanks for the good wishes and I wish you the best. So sorry to hear you've been so poorly x
You need to focus on the positive here you didn't have a drink from January to July 13th so you can do it - you've proved that to yourself. View this for what it is it's a slip up while you're trying to beat one of the hardest addictions - anytime you are tempted think how far you've come and how you feel now after a drink. You drank because you were stressed and now I suspect the fact that you've had a drink is stressing you more so it's only added to things not helped. Don't bear yourself up about this- today is another day, draw a line on it and carry on as you were - you've proved you can do it.
Thanks for reminding me of that - length of time sober. It does look good in black and white! Yes I rushed into it on Thursday. The old Sod it attitude. And you're right, made me feel 100 times worse and more stressed. Plus the disappointment from others. It's palpable. Hence why I've hidden in bed for 2 days! You really helped me, thanks x
Seeing it in black and white does help! You've done really well and in terms of any disappointment from people remind them that you did this for 6 months with 1 minor blip - I think that's pretty good going. If anyone doubts you after this prove them wrong - you've already proved you can do it.
Now stop hiding in bed and get yourself out in the sun! I'm pleased I was of some help to you and I hope you feel that you can move on from this and continue with your sobriety which will pay dividends in all aspects of your life 😊xx
Start with the positives. The fact you're on here means your intent is there to get back on board the sober wagon. Stress and pain is difficult. I'm out the UK right now but something happened over the last few days that made me realise how fragile life is. A friend from years ago contacted me a few weeks ago in a bad way saying he'd become an alcoholic, was depressed, stressed and probably mental/emotional pain. Not physical though. He said he'd tried to stop but had a seizure last time he did and was afraid. I said to get to a doc/librium/detox then an AA meeting and i'd help him when i got back to London. Last monday, i saw an online appeal for an unidentified man in a coma in North London who'd fallen over in Finchley and hit his head. I'm keeping track of developments from afar after contacting Police/Hospital. Point being, he was in early stages of alcoholism, no major liver damage but almost/sadly died/may still die. I've nearly died a few times and pain, plenty of....cancer, death of 2 closest etc., but we're 'in the game' if we're back sober. Yes, you can and best of luck. I'm nearing 1 year 6 months. Coping...well coffee for me and FB Sober friends/Instagram Sober Groups/AA.....but a hobby, long walks, even writing is good too and i've found one thing to be true.....each passing day brings an incrementally marginally less of a desire to drink...and well, now, i feel fairly safe, but then complacency is the one to watch. Keep the faith. xx
Hi, thanks so much for your help. There's some incredible people on here! The complacency issue is a big one for me. Thought I'd 'fixed it' but it's always around like the devil waiting to take hold again. Shocking really. Sounds frightening about your friend. Really hope they'll be OK. You're doing so well having not drunk for so long. I'd be very happy to reach that point. It was fantastic being sober, removing the craziness from my life. Started to have a life and it was looking quite nice. But yes, back to it with more determination xx
Hi Anna
Try not to look to the negatives only the positives!! The positives being your feeling devastated that your in this mindset can only mean one thing that your much more determined never to drink again. You should give yourself a massive pat on the back for not only going best part of 6 months but for speaking out which will help others .
Good luck
Huw x
AA and the 12 steps along with another addiction program , FA , for food , has saved my life.
I have been alcohol , drug and sugar / flour free for almost 10 years now and have never been happier.
Sexual addiction as well, has been completely removed.
I wish I could tell you it was a straight line from day 1 to today.
It has been a long journey of getting some recovery only to be followed for many years , by periods of horrible relapse.
I have been at it since the age of @25 , am 57 today , trying to solve this horrible dis-ease ...addiction.
It has brought me to the edge of life many times and for many years I doubted I was going to make it .
This disease is merciless.
Constant suicide thoughts haunted me.
In shear fear that I would act on them .. I ran back to the rooms of recovery.
Press on Anna.
Keep getting up.
Each relapse taught me something about myself and my dis-ease.
I recommitted more and more over the years until I was finally ..,,,,ALL IN...
I must surrender every ounce of me to recover ....or else.
And that’s when it happened
Complete freedom from the obsession.
It has been lifted.
Over 600 12 step programs use the big book of AA .
Clearly a lot of people believe in its contents.
It is the second most sold book , only to the bible.
It works
Following that book ,
I have thrown myself into helping others and in the process, I have found myself.
Get up and Press on Anna
it is a slip and is very serious (can progress into a relapse that can take your life )
but it doesn’t have to.
What you do right now today as a response is all that matters.
Recommit ...
give it your all
GO ALL IN
mostly
just do your best
trust your h.p. Or God or the group, has got your back.
It has been my experience that every time I really really tried ... I was met with compassion and love and grace.
From my God , my group and myself.
I will be praying for you Anna.
Mark in Toronto
Hi Mark, thanks for replying. Read it a few times so it sank in! Yes it's terribly hard but like you say - have to put my all into it. Really don't think I was quite doing that. Allowed myself to go to bars as thought I should be strong enough not to drink. But put too much pressure on myself. It really is the devil for me. But no you're right, I can't have this one slip become an extended relapse. Or I could possibly give up and really detoriate. 10 years of freedom for you...how amazing is that. I need that in my life too. Crying again! What a wreck!
Hello again Anna ,
I see people in my meetings recovering every single time I go.
Miracles do happen and can happen for anyone and everyone ..one day at a time .. don’t drink ... go to meetings.
Turn those tears of desperation into action towards staying sober and that same emotion ... desperation....will now save your life.
I sought food , drugs alcohol sex, really hard.
Now , today , to live a happy healthy life,
I have had to seek recovery .....hard.
I have and it has made all the difference
I have Surrounded myself with the best recovery you I could find and “stuck with them.“
For great online messages here are a few that truly inspire and motivate me.
Some of the strongest AA I know.
Most Available on YouTube
Bob d AA speaker
Sandy b AA speaker
Don M AA speaker
Judy G AA speaker
Mickey Bush CA speaker ( cocaine)
Frank M AA speaker
Bob B AA speaker
All great messages that have helped me over the years.
Mark
Hi annatt you never said if you liver disease. I have alcohol cirrhosis and I've been clean since December 2015. Also annaTT welcome
Hey Anna dont stress to much. Its hard I know. What wete you diagnosed with that you needed to stop?
AnnaTT• in reply to
Hi, I stress easily. Hence why I drank! Nightmare! I was diagnosed with alcohol cirrhosis
Hi Anna, the answer lies in support from people in AA, and find yourself a sponsor. When I was first led into a meeting I was totally overwhelmed by the kindness and understanding that I was never alone in any way. These people are just like you, and understand and support each other, they know all the ins and outs and there is nothing you have done that someone there hasn’t. Friendship to the end and total support if you want it. Mark from Toronto is right. Find AA and travel to meetings all round about your area, you need a lift just ask, you are surrounded by friends in the Fellowship. Wishing you all the best 🖖🙏🧒
Hi Suzi, I'm living over in a remote part of Spain so AA meetings are not close. I have support from friends but I do need professional help really. I'll see how it goes, may need to return to the UK. Thanks for the good wishes, you too. Great that you found what works for you. And you stuck with it x
Anna , don't panic. I'm Aniruddh from kolkata. One thing that helps the most is keeping oneself engaged all the time. I am also cirrhotic with 27kpa score but I never skip my office, attend anyone reported sick and spend the spare time with Physics and Mathematics. Librium is of great help too. What was your last fibroscan score?
Hi A Anna try not to be too hard on yourself you have done very well since January. Just don't dwell on the fact you had a blip. Just carry on not drinking I know how hard it is especially when you go out with friends I could really enjoy a G&T just now and I'm an old baggage. Forget it hun smile life is far too short to worry about blips. Hugs 🤗🤗😘
Hello Anna, I am sorry to hear about your slip but the most important thing is to remember it's only a slip- you will get up and carry on the amazing thing you've achieved since January. In terms of stress, might CBT be one way of coping? Or mindfulness? Also something distracting like playing games or drawing? Take care and I am keeping fingers crossed for you.
Hi, thanks a lot. I've done CBT with a counsellor. Ingrained in me that alcohol is the only solution so it's changing a lifetime of that. Think the only way for me is staying home all the time. Away from temptations. At least for now while I'm struggling. Anna no mates lol
Hi Anna
It may be worth thinking about what the drink is giving you and seeing if you can get to that state by doing something else. Or substituting that need with a more healthy one. Maybe step back and spend some time every day pondering this
Hi, yes you made me think there. Guess it's escapism. Not much else gives you that. Sometimes think drugs would have been healthier for me...kidding (kinda). All my family are alcoholics, it's ingrained in me. It's clearly not worth drinking, I've been ill for 4 days now x
Hi Anna
I know what it feels like to want to escape and be driven toward things that help you do that, is it possible for you to get away for a couple of days, fresh air, maybe the sea, perfect weather... and just take some nice walks?
Hi, I've just moved to a different part of Spain to try and relax. Been moving around for years to be honest. Now learned I can't escape myself and my issues. Doesn't help that I have no social life since avoiding bars. Need to join some other social groups or something. It's motivating myself. You're right, I should get out and walk. Go to the shops. Exciting life I lead lol
I am a smoker, it's surely not the same, but I've learned, that if You break the rule once, it shouldn't make You feel so badly, thinking badly about Yourself, just forgive Yourself, and think about Yourself that You'll not begin again. For coping with stress I think meditations (regularly, on a daily basis) can help You to cope with it without alcohol. I found great help on the site of Alain, the Irish Hypnotist, (with last two words You find him on youtube.) Try, for me he was great help, when troubles overgrew me. Take Your life in Your own hands. Liver is a big organ, but You should love it and take due care of it. Excuse me for my poor English, take care!
Hi, thank you so much for replying. Humbled me! Your English is fine and thanks for trying. I'll have a look for him. I should be kinder to myself, scared of being too much so. And then drinking again. It's terrifying! Still really ill from it. Your reply meant a lot and I'll definitely use your advise. Anna x
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