My daughter's dad drank himself to death.

[Jenniferblum1]

So my ex husband of 14 years drank himself to death. I have a 15 yr old daughter with him. He was such a terrible dad in the end I had to get full custody of my daughter. We had to change our phone numbers and get a restraining order. You can't make up all the trauma, anxiety, and PTSD. He died Jan 4th and I was so heartbroken because my girl never made piece with him. I was also do distraught and am having a hard time with his death. 💔

[Jenniferblum1]

Sorry for the misspellings, my phone has autocorrect.

[Laura009 in reply to Jenniferblum1]

Oh Jennifer I understand completely. I lost my husband to alcohol too almost 10 years ago now. He was 54, our children were 11 and 17. I understand the rollercoaster of emotions. The alcohol strips them of everything you fell in love with about them. Thankfully my children never hated him. Despite everything we all went through, for the most part l managed to make my children only see the good in him which was easier when l insisted he left and took him to his parents to try to recover and see what he was losing.

10 years on, the kids are very well aware of the dangers of alcohol consumption. They are always the designated drivers and more than happy with that.

My son struggled with the loss of his Dad the most, they had had a very close relationship through their sporting interest until the booze took hold. As recently as 2 years ago he took himself off to a bereavement councellor for the 1st time which he said worked wonders for him. My daughter, sadly, could only ever remember him being ill. So l dragged out a big box of our fabulous holiday photos to prove there was a very good, happy life before alcohol ripped our family apart.

I dont believe in "time being a good healer". As time goes on and the kids grow up and achieve their goals, the more it saddens me to think of what he is missing. However, time allows you to accomodate the loss, it just becomes part of your life, but it doesn't have to define you.

I have remarried and have a wonderful full, happy life again.

I sympathise greatly with the situation you are in. It's still very raw for you. The important thing now is that you and your daughter keep a strong bond. Remember the good happy times,even if those times were few. Don't dwell on the rubbish, be proud, what you have both been through will only make you stronger. Take the grief a day at a time and don't let anyone say " you should be over it by now."

Look after each other

Laura x

[Hidden in reply to Laura009]

Lovely reply Laura !

[Jenniferblum1 in reply to Laura009]

Laura, thanks so much for your wonderful insight and kind words. Sadly my daughter only remembers the bad things because she had to live with him half the time and she'd have to pick him up off the floor. He was very abuse to her. I'm trying to talk about when he was a good dad. I'm sorry that happened to your family also. I'm glad you were able to turn your life around. Alcohol really does strip the good out of people. 😭

[Laura009 in reply to Jenniferblum1]

Ah you're welcome. I have found it helps to know there are others .... too many others who have been through or still going through the same. My heart goes out to your daughter, so young and having to deal with her Father... very traumatic for her. I hope she like my children, have learned to steer clear of alcohol and not use it as a crutch during tough times as many do, sadly.

I wish you both all the very best and adjust to life without him. As bad as it sounds, the relief when they've gone is inexplicable, and yet l remember fondly the life we had together before alcohol took my man 💔

L x

[Hidden]

Hi Jennifer

I like Laura can almost duplicate her sentiments to you but can also relate to many things you've been through which maybe one day I'll write a book on. My ex husband died in 2007 age 56. Like Laura I'm remarried to a lovely quiet man who adores me and my two children who of course are now grown up and successful.

Unfortunatel my quiet hubby does have a little craving for the pop now and then which he now know's it doesn't agree with him and my fingers are crossed that he's now in control on his future!

Jennifer I know its early days for you both and I'm truly sorry for your loss, but like Laura stated take one day at a time and with each coming day a little sunshine will eventually come back into your lives!

If you feel like screaming crying or whatever do it ... punch those pillows or whatever it takes to get rid of that pent up aggression which you may go through later if not now! Just remember you have lots of friends here who understand both sides of what your going through .

PM anytime .

Take care

Love Trish xxx

[Jenniferblum1 in reply to Hidden]

Aw, thanks so much Trish. ❤️

[Hidden]

Hello Jennifer, you have been through so much and you too have had to live the alcohol nightmare. I myself have lived that nightmare too. So you are not alone here.

I don't want to go into the whys and wherefores here as I'm concerned for your daughter. I don't know of her age, but this must have been a terrible ordeal for her. Not only to be denied the lover and protection of a father. But to see all the bitterness that alcohol abuse can bring. These scars can run deep , and if not dealt with properly, they could affect her later on in life.

I would strongly recommend that you make contact with an organisation called. NACOA. (National Association for Children of Alcoholics) they are all fully trained and are there to help children.

Both Laura and I have dealt with NACOA in the past. They maybe able of help and offer support to you both: nacoa.org.uk/

I hope this helps

[Jenniferblum1 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much, I'll definitely look into that. My daughter is 15 and already has a lot of emotional problems as a result. She goes to a counselor every week but I find the daily stuff the hardest.

[Hidden]

Good morning Jenniferblum1,

I am so sorry for you and your daughters loss.

I can see our lovely forum members are reaching out to offer support, and I hope you will find their shared experiences a comfort.

I have included a link to NHS bereavement information and a link to CRUSE.

nhs.uk/conditions/stress-an...

cruse.org.uk/

They should be able to help you and also point you in the direction for support for your teenager.

Best wishes to you both,

Trust9

[Splodge60]

Hello

My heart reaches out to you and your daughter for many reasons:-

I grew up in a house dominated by an alcoholic, violent and abusive father. Every time I heard him come in the house I was terrified of what would happen next. This trauma has impacted the whole of my 70 years of life. I vowed I would never touch a drop of alcohol. I did not want my children to suffer as I had. He died aged 57 and it was an enormous relief for me.

Ironically it is now me that has the Cirrhosis and all the other stuff you’ve probably read about on here. Life can be a hard task master. Am I bitter and angry now????? The answer is an emphatic NO.

I learned a long time ago that bitterness and anger only destroys you as a person. It has no impact at all on the alcoholic who cannot control their urge to drink.

I urge all chronic drinkers and/or alcoholics to get all the help they can on forums such as this. This is significant help that you need. However, think very carefully about how your need to drink also has a profound impact on those around you, especially your children. Your partner has the freedom to leave you, just by being an adult. Unfortunately you will always be the parent to that child. When you are dead and gone, your child carries on defining themselves as your son or your daughter. So now, I am the daughter of an alcoholic, violent and abusive parent. That is who I am because that is the legacy you left me. Any good you may have done for me is largely forgotten.

[Jenniferblum1 in reply to Splodge60]

I'm so sorry that's happened to you. You're definitely right, it changes your life. 💔

[Splodge60]

I’m sure any death of some you’ve had a child with, plus trauma, must present you with some conflict. I feel it is probably your daughter who will struggle for a while. Just provide support for her and time for yourself xx