Must be running out of time

Last night, Jan 2 I was eliminating from both my rectum and mouth for hours. Then came a nose bleed for awhile. 3 things at once. My mind shut off my body was in so much pain. It reminded me of my bleed out 2014. There comes a point for me during such pain and stress that I am totally willing to let go and die. Just like 2014 I did not dial ER. I only want to be alone when in so much desperation and I understand why people think I am crazy not to call but all I wanted was morphine or death. I know it sounds morbid to people but it's just my way. I want to be in quiet not the mad goings on of ambulances and emergency rooms. I am now right where a few others are with this disease. For me there is no possibility of transplant. Today I am just lying in bed weak but my son is here. The doc is open on the 3rd. I will call. My heart goes out to all patients and care givers that have reached this brutal struggle of this game. Aloha

37 Replies

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  • That was meant to be Jan. 1 not 2

  • Not morbid, just what is right for you. At this time, you are in control, although your pain must be debilitating, yes brutal. Gentle spirits coming to you across the Pacific from New Zealand x

  • Made me cry. Thank you

  • ๐Ÿ˜ข Such an inspiration, you've helped me learn so much. Glad your family are with you........Maria x

  • My heart goes out to you. You are so brave. Sending you peaceful thoughts. I hope your pain subsides. xx

  • Thank you. It's night again. I hope I will rest tonight but only time will tell. Aloha

  • If there is one thing we can have control over it has to be where we pass. My nana wanted to go at home and she got her wish.

    I can't imagine where your mind and heart goes to when you that distressed you want to die, but you have to know you have been an inspiration and a rock and wealth of information for people who use this forum and I personally want to thank you and whatever your wishes and needs at the moment I hope you get them ten times over....... Positive thoughts to you xxx ๐Ÿ˜˜

  • โค๐Ÿ’•

  • Catfishjumping,my heart goes out to you in sympathy. I am sorry you feel that bad but I understand your predicament. There comes a time when all is but lost,but one can only hang in there. I haven't reached where you are yet,but I have wanted the end to come so many times too. Take heart,for life gives us all sorts of things to contend with, some good,others bad, very bad. I pray the doctor relieves you of that pain.

  • So sad to hear this Catfish; i fear death so much; but to go without pain would be something and i understand morphine will achieve this, along with a warm feeling; as others have said, you have been such an inspiration to many; as Dave Allen would have said 'may your God go with you' to a better place. xxx

  • That's beautiful

  • I've not been on this site very long and have come to know you slightly, you have shared your own story with honesty and dignity. Be sure to get all you need where pain relief is concerned. Wishing you peace and harmony x

  • As I said before you are very brave and the decision is yours to take but do get strong painkillers as suggested. Thoughts are with you from many mant people.x

  • Catfishjumpin do it your way, sending you strength to endure whatever comes next, you are in my thoughts every day xxx

  • Thinking of you. I hope you get what you wish for. I hope everything will be peaceful for you. Pain is horrible and I do remember when I was extremely sick, I felt the same too.xxx

  • making me cry to. wishing i was there with you. im glad your son is with you. has your daughter arrived yet? i think she is coming today. can you get some pain relief? As you shouldnt be suffering now at this time in your life. you should have plenty pain relief. its so sad talking to you like this and knowing your thousands of miles away lying in your bed. you have been an inspiration for many people including myself. I send all my love and prayers to you dear catfishjumpin. I'm so sad and upset to hear this latest news. love grace xoxo ๐Ÿ’ž

  • Dear Catfish jumping, you are a beautiful soul and I am sure that this human experience has been so incredibly full. You have shown people that it doesn't all have to be negative...That within adversity there can be beauty and strength and love. You have a clear understanding of what really matters and the gift of being able to share that with your writing. Your son must be so proud of you. My dad was adamant that he would not end up in hospital...We made his room beautiful with fairy lights and played all sorts of music from every era. We massaged his feet, combed his hair, whispered our love....And kept all the official bullshit away! That was how he wanted things and that was what we fought for. To us love is the most valuable human aspect and at times like these it becomes so clear. I am sending love and light and peace to you from my heart. Xx

  • Thinking of you , you are such a brave lady. I have been reading all your post and taking inspiration from you. xxx

  • you are in my heart and I hold you close there xxxx

  • Aww your such a brave lady my heart goes out to you xxx

  • You are right only you know what it feels like to be where you are right now. I just hope that the pain lessons somehow. I am glad that your son is with you. My kind thoughts to you from Ireland.

    Ann

  • Good morning thinking of you how are you doing today?

    Aloha ๐ŸŒธ๐ŸŒบโ˜€๏ธ

  • Liver pain. Cannot eat or drink. Thank you

  • Sorry, ๐ŸŒบ๐ŸŒธโ˜€๏ธ๐ŸŒป๐Ÿ’๐ŸŒผ

  • I think being in control is so important and that takes courage, which you have in abundance. If I were in your situation, I worry that I'd be so panicked my relatives would whizz me off to hospital, not knowing what else to do with me! Which I would hate, so I do understand your feelings. I wish you continued strength and courage and lots of pain relief. And I hope you rally, I've only just 'met' you and I would like to be your friend for a long time to come. xxx (Sorry to be selfish :) )

  • oh I'm so sorry you're at this point :( My heart goes out to you hun.

  • If this doesn't sound flippant or rude can I just say that the lyrics to 'I did it my way' by Frank Sinatra could have been written with you in mind. You are an awesome lady and I think we all feel we know you a little bit but wish we knew you a lot. Sending you love across the airwaves. Xxxxxxxxxxx โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’•

  • I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, I can totally understand the way you feel. You are looking for your kind of serenity, everyone has their own way and no one can tell you how to think or do.. I do hope you get some pain relief soon. I will say a prayer for you, that your pain is managed and then you may get some relief

    Best wishes

    Damelza

  • My thoughts and prayers are with you catfishjumpin x

  • Thinking of you during this time. Hope you are with family. Thoughts are with you all the way from Pittsburgh PA.

  • Thinking of you tonight ๐Ÿ™ Xx

  • Just lay here thinking about you hope your pain as settled and you get some rest xx

  • Nothing I can say others haven't said better. Just know you're loved and have helped others. Draw strength from your family and friends and I pray you get the relief from pain you have a right to and definitely deserve. You've found a place in many hearts including mine. xx

  • Praying for you!

  • I'm praying for you my husband left this world on December 4th 2016 like you he got tired but the one thing I couldn't figure out was he was never in pain not even to last breath I prayed for him to not have any pain everyday and now I pray for God to not let you hurt so that you can be comfortable and stress free as well you tell your caregiver that you love them and thank them even though you don't feel like the last words my husband said was I love you and thank you please make peace with whomever you can God is watching over you

  • Catfish, I hope they will give you something to take your pains away, I hope you find a way to be peaceful and happy. I hope you get to let go the way you want. You have touched the hearts and lives of so many on this site. I wish you comfort and love. xx

  • โค

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