... when the run view, the purpose of the run, becomes blurred.
Well...grab a drink and maybe a snack, find a comfy spot and settle down, because this is a ramble. Not just any ramble, but a Floss ramble! You have been warned.
This is about running and as CB says so often, absolutely, not about running.
I have not posted for a while; other than my regular forum posts and my very short, ( for me) HU10 report.
Why?
Well, a couple of reasons; time constraints, the fear that the overall essence of the reports would be very underwhelming and depressing, and most importantly, I realise now, that the report would demonstrate, openly and publicly that I was in very grave danger of losing the purpose of my runs. A scary thought
A post of PeggySusi , which I read a day or so back, and the reply I received back, to my comment , gave me a real jolt. I had sort of realised it, but sometimes, we do have the ability , even unknowingly to push things down or mask over them. I feel now that is what I was doing
So, I hear you ask, what is that all important purpose? For me.. it is and always has been Joy. Pure joy.
Runs do, of course, have a myriad of purposes...each of us, as I have said many, many times are wonderfully different. We run because.... and the end of that sentence? It is different for each one of us. I have different reasons on different runs, but, entwined in every single run I make, joy has always been there.
Currently, I have no clear sight of my constant companion...not lost sight of it, totally, but the view is slightly cloudy. Joy is there, but at times, one step behind, or just around that next corner.
I would, very much like joy back at my side... shoulder to shoulder , heart to heart, as I run my favourite and new routes.
I have to be honest, and this is probably another reason for not rambling, I have been struggling a tad. That old gremlin of overthinking, has been wheedling its way into my head... and I have been using all the strategies I have to banish it. My runs were in danger of being run, for a completely wrong purpose , which is where I came really unstuck a few years ago.
I am, as many of my long- time and long-suffering friends here, know , Bluebirdrunner , bless her, particularly... very good at dishing out advice... words of so called, running wisdom ( ha ha )! I am far less skilled at tasting those words!
But, ( always a but), I have been running... and that is so important, because for me and many, this sort of turmoil, may mean, all running stops.
I have had a lot of very wet runs, less dry ones and a few, beautifully sunny and warm ones.
Many of them have not been long runs, many have had to be fitted in to a very tight schedule, many almost indecently short. But a run is a run, and a few have had moments, where location, memories and running style has made them very happy runs.., I have focused on the positive and refused to let negativity get the upper-hand.
My regular core strength and stamina exercise keeps the body fit... my mind needs more. YWA helps... my walk/talk counselling... now every six weeks or so, also. My writing and my painting, too. My runs with joy, though, are a part of my life, not the most important part, but hugely so... I want those runs back.
Yesterday I ran. I had not got a lot of time to spare, the rain had been torrential , but I decided to run in one of my favourite places. My beloved fields. Likely to be thick with mud and heavy going, but I needed to be there. I was going to run 'nekkie', but at the last moment decided to take CB and I Need this Run with me...
It was sunny and although a chill in the early morning air, I set out hopefully. Heading around the Close, quiet this morning...folks away, asleep or simply making the most of the school holidays.
I passed no one, as I rounded the Crescent towards the hill, CB murmuring encouragingly, in my ear. Just before I reached the main road, CB spoke … “ The best way to keep moving, is for you to keep moving... so I am going to go quiet now..” and he did !
He stayed quiet... and never spoke again, throughout the entire run; a quick check, but the run was still there, recording my steps, my distance and time elapsed. Just no CB.
I kept on running... down and then up, again past, McFitty 's Rookery wood, the trees a mass of thick, green foliage, ivy twined and bramble wrapped... The rooks long gone, but somewhere, high and unseen, the unmistakable, crystal clear outpourings of a blackbird. My feet were light , my breathing steady, these gentle inclines hold no worries for me... and along to my fields.
Gravel track gives way to the grassed trail that stretches to the next village... Fields full of buttercups, my majestic tree, familiar, solid, reassuring... bird song, grey cloud-laden sky... and oddest of all, as well as, no CB... the field track was dry. Hard-baked and non -muddy. I could hardly believe it as my feet seemed to fly, hardly touching the ground as I made my steady way to the half way turning point. Making the deserted siding rails of the steam railway, the overgrown sleepers seemed to epitomize my inner feelings... the track is still there... just hidden from view.
Just a quick photo shot of the growing field and time to turn.
I have plenty of fuel in my tank and the evolving run, has given me the urge to move a tad faster as I head back towards the road...steps light through the barely damp grass and deep inside my head, faint stirrings of awareness... I sense rather than see the cloudiness clearing slightly.., and as I make the road and the downward stretch to the railway station I do have a smile on my lips. An alert as the run ends, I have completed the run... No great speed, no great distance reached, but so, so, so much gained.
We cannot capture joy...
Joy is huge-spirited emotion, all-giving and full of largesse.
Joy is that firework-burst, on the treadmill, reflected in the shine-sparkle mirrors of the gym. The steady, clockwork- echo footfall in the sky-scrapered streets of the city and it is in the gasped exhilaration of the last metre of that never-ending uphill slog, to see the world spread before us, ready for the taking.
Joy is there... not quite within reach yet, there., right beside me and within me, nonetheless. All I need to do, is to open myself to finding it once more.
Oldfloss xx
PS
The June Quest? Top of my list... Finding the joy. 
PPS.
CB was not sulking , he knew I needed, me time.
PPPS.
Thank you for listening, I need to find time to ramble a lot more often xxx
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