Finding happiness after bc

I'm 3 years in after grade 3 bc, chemo, radio, hysterectomy, and on tomoxiphen, I feel like I'm still looking for what I faught for my life, I work 2 days a week, and the rest of the time, barley go out of the house, I've been looking at selling my house and buying a small place in france, it's the most exciting thought I've had since cancer, morgage free and all that......but then it's all the worry that comes with being in remission, and what ifs, before bc I would have jumpt in with both feet in a flash, I'm just looking for my happy, and I can't find it, my husband is loving the idea, but this cancer nearly tore our marriage apart as he became very abusive during my treatment, I'm not proud to say, but i forgive him, but I think I'm still trying to forgive myself for getting cancer that's becoming the hardest battle mentely, if I go am I just isolating myself or am I grabbing life for all it could be !

25 Replies

  • Just remember, if the cancer is going to get you, it will regardless of where you are living, if I were you I'd go for it, remember if France doesn't work out (I'm sure it will) you can always come home, must go now I've got a job interview at 10.30, which will hopefully lead on to my new life, good luck xxxxxx

  • Good luck Jennymary 😀 Excited for you xx

  • Wow, hope your not late x good luck with your job interview..and thanks so much for your advise it was uplifting xxx

  • I hope the interview went well😊xB

  • That's a tough one to give an opinion on Footprints. Can you be sure that if you move, your husband won't become abusive again, only this time you will be alone in a foreign country?  You absolutely have nothing to forgive yourself for. You didn't choose to have cancer, unfortunately cancer chose you. I honestly think that if you want to find happiness, and before you make hasty decisions to move away, that you find help through some counselling to get over the feelings of 'forgiving yourself for getting cancer'. You need to embrace the fact that you are in remission, you need to realise and understand that this is NOT your fault, and more importantly you need to make sure that the relationship you are in is where you want to be. God alone knows what's around the corner, but, whatever it is, you need love and support to get through it, not abuse.  Please seek help and advise and don't do anything too hastily. Lainey x

  • Thanks Lainey x

    Think I'm just having a down week, one minute I'm up and excited about the whole thing, looking at it as a new chapter and adventure, then I get flash backs, and scarred of the thought, but so unhappy in my life, I work 2 days a week and hate my job, and feel like I'm just sitting here rest of the time waiting for the cancer to come back, my husband said his a changed man and he was scarred, but his had no counseling!  I don't know why he was the way he was with me, I want to move on but the hurt keeps coming back, I need a big shake to just get over it and get on with our life's, but while we stay here nothings going to change, and feel our marriage won't last.

    Thanks for letting me rant xxx

  • You rant away hon, believe me, I do the same. We have had the stuffing kicked out of  us. One thing you must promise though, never ever blame yourself for this. You take care and find your strength, find what you want to do and build yourself your new life. Sending big hugs xxx

  • Hi Footprints, perhaps your husband got abusive because it was the only way of dealing with the cancer. I'm not defending him but my ex husband was the same, if he couldn't deal with a situation and it was usually health matters he got very angry which didn't help anyone. I know if I'd still been with him when I had my diagnosis I wouldn't have been able to deal with it because he wouldn't have let me. I think you need to sit and talk your worries over with him before you can make any decisions. I wish you luck and hope you find what you're looking for xx

  • Bless you this experience leaves us all mixed up, some days i feel so sad then think why do i feel like this i have got through it. Its a difficult one if you feel in your heart you want to go then go for it you dont want to miss an opportunity.  But you dont want to  risk being isolated at a time when you need support. Take care x x

  • Totally agree with Lainey66, u need to get urself mentally straight first. Also might be an idea for ur husband to seek some counselling too, especially if his behaviour wasout of character, that's what i'm trying to do before making any big decisions. Good luck with what u decide xx

  • Thanks Ratty

    I have a lot to think about, good luck with you plans xx

  • Thnx hun xx

  • Re moving hoping you'll feel better😊

    For years prior to having BC, I was battling with another condition.  My husband wasn't 

    physically abusive but he could have been more understanding.  We moved house

    several times, I always felt a change of scene would distract me, make me snap out of it.  

    I couldn't escape my condition, and relations with my husband didn't change.

    The situation changed when my husband was with me when I saw a Consultant.  I think things finally hit home and he had some understanding of what I was trying

    to cope with.  It was, in a way, a form of counselling 😊xB

  • I know what you mean wobblybee, my husband has been to few more appt over last year, may be something kicked in! I'v never been the person to run away from anything, deal with it head on, then move on, just a little harder with this cancer journey... Thanks for your reply, x

  • Dear Footprints

     This is a hard one. I love France and totally get your need for a fresh and exciting new beginning but with unresolved feelings it may not be so wonderful, strongly suggest couple counselling. Everyone reacts differently with cancer but it wasn't pleasant for you and it's still bothering you, I would talk to a counsellor before you take a leap of faith it will help you each a decision you are comfortable with.

     Good luck with everything xx

  • Hi lovely lady , you should never blame yourself X and your husband should of had a good kick up the rear for treating you so bad when you were at your most vulnerable , I think you should be proud and feel elated that you fought this terrible cancer and won , try to push all negative thoughts and feelings and people out of you life , think of what makes you happy and confident , you have been given a new lease of life so grasp it and love it , I wish I could give you a big hug , be confident my friend , positive thought is a very powerful thing 💕

  • I agree with the others, that you should seek some counselling before making any hasty decisions. Your happiness doesn't come from living in a different place, it comes from inside yourself. It sounds lovely, living in France and you may well take really well to it but I lived there for a couple of years and it's very isolating. If you don't speak the language, you are very restricted as to who you socialise with and the winters are very long (I was in the Dordogne). It must be your decision, don't be talked into it, it's not easy to come back, from a financial point of view. Hope you're feeling better today. X

  • Thank you Jowigs, your reply makes a lot of sence, and its the Dodogne that we are looking at! going to have to do a lot more research i think! big hugs xx

  • Hi sorry to hear of your dilemma.  My husband finds it very difficult to cope with anything medical especially since I have had the cancer. He is a worrier and will not talk about things so consequently gets frustrated but he is not aggressive,only verbally. He is very supportive in that he comes with me to all my appointments but that can be difficult for me as I sometimes feel I cannot ask some of the questions I want to ask. Sometimes I feel I am treading on eggshells and keep things to myself so as not to upset him. I think this is a case of it being worse for the carer which could be the same in your case. 

    I can't really comment on whether you should go to France but,if you don't try it , you will never know. You can always come back. So glad that you are in remission and hope it stays that way. Best wishes for whatever decision you make.

    This site is so good for letting out your feelings x

  • know exactly what you mean with the whole  holding back thing!

    To all you lovely beautiful ladies out there, thanks so much for your replys and support, i clearly have a lot of thinking to do, and much more research!

    Stay strong and possative ........and smiling if poss xxx


  • I was very saddened to read your post just now. On the O5/04/16 at 16:15, after battling b/c for two years I was finally given that magical sentence your in remission. I will always remember this phrase I read on F.B.

    "people who died yesterday had plans for today"

    I was 13 weeks pregnant when diagnosed with b/c. I had already lost a baby 4 months prior at 16 weeks to heomarging and I was not about to loose my precious son to cancer

    My treatment was delayed as I refused to have it while pregnant. My son was born six weeks early so I could start chemo. While other mums were enjoying their first year with their new borns I was two sick. Cancer nearly destroyed my marriage as I was so depressed, bitter and and angry.

    I've been seeing a mental health nurse weekly who has helped me so much.

    I'm on a phased return to work and loving it. My employees have brilliant and supportive.

    When I was going through cancer while pregnant I couldn't speak to anyone who was going through breast cancer and pregnant and this is why I'm desperate to help other women and their families understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    I'm awaiting reconstruction surgery and look forward to that.

    We have dodged THE bullet and we need to take life in both hands and enjoy it and make every second count.

    Go live your dreams, go to France and have a beautiful life you DESERVE IT, your AWESOME.


  • Hi J, was very touched by your reply, and shed a few tears if I'm honest,  thank you for sharing your strong are you! I can't even begin to imagine your heart ache.

    Glad to here your back to work, I went back in 10 months of treatment, it felt like geting back to some kind of normality, and it helps if you work colleagues are great.

    Chemo must have been horrendous after having your son, I didn't have my n till after my reconstruction, they thought I didn't need it, but after operation was still on my chest wall wich put me into stage 3, being told I had to have chemo was the worst as I lost my sister on chemo 18 months before. my husband completely lost it whilst I was on chemo was found burning our wedding photos, and my daughter then 18 couldn't deal with what was happening to me and went into counselling, and my son stayed away as much as he could as he too couldn't handle my illness, we all have such sad stories, but we all have each other here as only we really understand , I truly believe that all our experiences will make us stronger!

    I had the diep reconstruction, got amazing results, do you know what your going to have? If I can help in anyway just ask.

    I had an hysterectomy last year, if felt a breeze lol after chemo.just got to put up with early menopause, and the dreaded tamoxifen.

    I hope your in a better place, each day is a day further away and I know we all have bad days weeks even months I know I did, but small steps, and before you know it you too will be turning to the next chapter in your life, that's how I'm trying to think about it, I'm turning a page and starting a new happy ever after I hope, and unless I try I'm never going to know, what have I got to loose?

    I wish you all the strength, health and happiness you deserve, keep strong, and little steps, much love and hugs xxx

  • Dear footprints you are a brave and resourceful woman who deserves the best you can get. Couple counselling may give you and your husband a space to talk things through.....his fears, your hurts.....and also work out for you both if you can go on together. You might find that you need your own space to find your own happy and your own dreams. Lots of love to you.

  • Thanks you so much for your reply, and I have thought many times about all what you have said....unfortunately where I am counselling is such a long process, I needed it but was taking weeks even months to get anything, still I feel I'm over the worst, and mentally stronger than ever, we have to be, big hugs and thanks again x

  • I think France would be a great adventure, why not give it a go! After all you've been through you should do what makes you happy. Btw, we live in a toxic world so getting cancer probably wasn't entirely your fault. All the best!

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