I have a complicated past which started with bullying from an early age, and a couple of abusive relationships which has left me with very low self-esteem and poor body image. I also have a massive fear of going to the doctors and any medical intervention, to the point where I will actively avoid going to see the GP. If I do, I'm highly unlikely to attend any recommended blood tests or further screening. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I am scared of needles, and I'm so uncomfortable with anyone seeing me naked that I will not seek any medical advice for anything that is in a personal area, and as such I have never been for a smear test despite being 35 years old. I know you will probably shake your head at me, and tell me I'm silly. If I had a pound for every time someone said "You are so silly, it's a few minutes of slight discomfort and little embarrassment for all that peace of mind and to make sure anything you might have is caught early." I hear you all, and I tell you that my fear is so great, I would prefer to ignore it an potentially die in my ignorance and in pain. This is how terrified I am.
My problem however is this. I would like to be a mum, I'd like to have my own child, but because of all the issues I've just typed above I've put it off over and over again ... hoping I'd overcome this fear at some point ... and that I could do this. I have been to a hypnotherapist (for a 12 week course), and I've been to a councillor (for a 3 year stint), and I've scoured the web for any support groups and forums, but nothing has helped me and I've never found any like minded individuals. I can't keep putting it off. Time is tick tick ticking away from me and soon I will no longer have any choice in the matter and I'll regret never having kids for the rest of my life.
My main concern with pregnancy is not pain of natural child birth, as many mothers do. This does not bother me in the least. I know I can deal with that. These are my main sticking points. I do not feel at all comfortable being in a state of undress with anyone but my partner. There is absolutely no way on earth I would want another man to see me undressed, no matter how amazing a doctor he is, it's a complete no no. Also, and the biggest fear by far, is the risk of C-Section .... that's right from being terrified of having a cannula fitted to my hand all the way to the cutting open stuff. This is soooo far off my chart of fear I cannot begin to explain. It makes me shake and feel sick even thinking about it. I know I could never go through that. Never in a million years.
What I would want in an ideal world is to get pregnant, give birth at home naturally with only my partner there to deliver the baby. All in my own personal space, with only my partner, and no medical intervention whatsoever. I'm not stupid though, and I know this is unlikely to go down well at all.
So what can I do to get over my fears? I'm so upset I want to be a mum, but I know I can't overcome my fear, but I can't accept that because I want to be a mum, yet that upsets me because I don't think I'm brave enough to get through my fear. It's a vicious circle and the longer I debate it, the faster mother nature is taking my time away from me.
Who can I talk to? Are there others like me? I feel so alone and misunderstood.