My Husband, age 38 is 6 weeks post CABG. Physically he seems to be recovering well, exercise wise he is exceeding what is advised.
It is the Mental challenges we are (both) struggling with, which we didn't really expect.
Would anyone mind sharing their experiences on how they navigated dealing with emotional/ personality changes during this time?
He says he feels numb to things he once loved, and doesnt enjoy things anymore. He says he doesnt care about things, including how others feel.
Has behaviour towards me has been quite erratic, and at times unkind, to which i have tried to ignore and just focus on the end goal which is his recovery and him feeling better, but it is causing some upset, and he is pursuing arguments and saying things about leaving ect.
I am trying my best in what is a difficult situation, and i understand it must be so hard for him. I just want to help him.
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Hart2202
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aww bless I feel for you I am one who had heart attack and I was evil to all my family pushing them away it’s awful you don’t want to be that way but after a heart event it affect you mentally x I would like to say it’s now three months since mine and I do feel better mentally but just like being on my own as mentally I can’t cope pleasing people when inside I hate myself x he may need anti depression medication which I also take myself hope he feels better soon for your sake x
Thank you so much for your reply, and i am so sorry that you too have gone through this and have felt this way. I know he isnt behaving like this through choice, which makes it so challenging to approach, because i am doing what he asks, and not telling him things but then he pokes and angles for an argument. I am having real difficulty with him getting him to see what is real and what is not. Did you start anti depressants because of this or were you on the prior?
I've had some of this. I went back to playing bridge with my usual level of interest, but I haven't been able to muster up any interest in two of my other hobbies. I feel a bit like I'm walking around in someone else's life wondering how it's supposed to fit. (It's not a strong feeling in my case, but it's still a bit odd.)
I haven't had the irritability aspect, but I do believe it's common.
All early days yet as I'm only a week further out than your husband. (My OHS was for mitral valve repair and aortic valve replacement but I think it's the induced hypothermia and/or being on the cardio-pulmonary bypass machine that tends to trigger these after-effects.)
Thank you for your response, i really appreciate hearing other peoples stories. it is early days and i really do understand this, i am trying to say to him to focus on getting better and lets just do our best to get through it, but he is feeling very unsupported even though i am doing everything possible to support him and carry on with everything else. I hope your recovery is going well xxx
FWIW, I am also on anti-depressants. I started them about 10 years pre-OHS, but about 10 years post degenerative valve disease diagnosis. I don't think my depression is related to my cardiac issues, but I don't really know (they both run in the family).
In any case, anti-depressants were a game-changer for me. Hugely beneficial.
Hi PadThaiNoodles, Would you be willing to tell me which anti-depressants you take as the result sounds so impressive. I have had adverse side effects with the two I was prescribed at different times and now I don't take any.
Funny enough I take the first one they usually try: escitalopram. Didn't work at all for my daughter, though, so 🤷.
The sub-type of depression I have is recurrent brief depression (shorter duration, deeper crashes). The current theory is that it's actually more closely related to bipolar disorder and epilepsy because it often responds well to epilepsy meds. So I'm also on lamotrigine, but it's more like icing on the cake -- the escitalopram seems to be doing the bulk of the work for me.
I have a cousin with the more standard form of depression. He had to go through 3 or 4 SSRIs. I think paroxetine is the one that ended up working for him (though it took something like 6 months).
As for side effects, I got dry-mouth for the first couple of weeks, and vivid dreams for the first couple of years. The lamotrigine gives me headaches, but I'd much rather have a headache than depression.
I hope you find something that works for you. Depression can be very debilitating.
I don’t have personal experience of this but have seen many many posts here which you could have written they are so similar.
Has your husband had his cardiac rehab? This should come along soon and is covered as it’s so common. Perhaps calmly (so hard!) wait for that to happen.
thank you, i need search better for similar posts!
I was hoping Cardiac rehab would help too, however they called him last week and said he didn't need to attend in person, and they are all now finished till January and by that point he will be passed the 12 weeks and there is no point? i am not overly happy with this ? He has his follow up appointment on Monday so i will ask.
I’d ask rehab to alllow him to go , tell them he’s struggling to come to terms with it all and I’m sure they’ll help . It’s not just about physical exercises it’s the opportunity to meet and chat with other people going through the exact same thing he is . This is enormously beneficial and the team will arrange other forms of support and therapy I was a volunteer with them for five years following my bypass surgery and recovery and saw so many patients regain their confidence and happiness (and new friends ) there . Good luck hang on in there all this is temporary
I have been in Cardiac psychotherapy which is excellent as I was very traumatised after my MI and 3 cardiac arrests - amazed to be alive! I have only just begun the group exercise but each week you are checked and monitored. This is very supportive. The problem is if the patient themselves does not recognise their mental health has suffered and they need help, you cannot force them to participate.
I am widowed but a friend of over 50 years came to stay with me after I was out of hospital and she had not realised the mental health aspects of MI recovery and said it was very stressful to be with me!!!!
My son stayed and looked immediately after my discharge - he was working online and took himself out each day to see friends as he lives in Los Angeles and enjoyed a home visit - he was not surprised at the state of me as his granny - my mother had this heart disease and we were with her during his childhood. My mother had a complete breakdown and wanted to kill herself after the first heart attack.
You could get some therapy for yourself so that it builds your resilience to whatever might come in the future.
I am so sorry you are both having such a difficult time, even though knowing emotional problems are a common complication of this surgery it doesn't make it any easier to cope with. I do hope things start to improve soon as others have said, it's early days. My husband is 79 and 5 weeks post-op and has become very negative, finding fault with everything. Physically he has recovered astonishingly well so just trying to keep my temper not always successfully I'm afraid. Do keep posting.
thank you so much. I can relate, and I really do try to understand how difficult it is for him and try to appreciate the enormity of going through such a big operation.
I feel bad that I can’t hold it together better. He asked me not to talk about how I feel as it makes him angry because I don’t understand how hard things are for him. Which I accepted and thought fair enough , So I say nothing, and then he pokes me to say what’s wrong, but when I say what’s wrong he says I am making it all about myself, and I am really not. I have just tried to reason with him and try to make him see maybe sometimes he is a bit irrational.
He does have a consultant appointment next week, I am hoping they can give some advise on whether he should be on antidepressants or not.
I am trying to look forward, but he says we can’t carry on like this and has mentioned leaving, which is heart breaking when I am trying so hard.
You poor thing my heart goes out to you, , you must be exhausted. Is there no way you can grab some time to yourself to speak to a friend in confidence. It may feel like a betrayal but you have to put yourself first sometimes if it helps you both to get through this. I don't know whether it would help you but I keep a journal and I find writing down all my anger, frustrations and worries seems to help. I do hope the meeting with the consultant is helpful, let us know how it goes.
I have no direct experience of your situation. However what I do know is that the procedure can be very demanding of the individual concerned, both physically and mentally, and since we are all different individuals will have their own speed of recovery and, importantly, come to terms with their new circumstances in different ways. And other than the CABG, you have not explained whether there are are other health issues that affect him nor indeed anything else which may be affecting your relationship. But all that aside if your husband has decided he is to deal with his current state by being the way he is, perhaps just allow him the space to do that and take the pressure off him, however difficult that can be for you, and assume that his mental outlook will in the end slowly improve, and, no doubt, if he values your relationship he will come to recognise the concern that you have for him for what it is, and appreciate you for it.
I'm going through similar after a more minor stenting procedure. From what I understand it's part of a post operative coronary syndrome include depression and anxiety. I think part of it is the uncertainty of the recovery and another a major psychological after such a big event. I wish I could give you advice how to deal with this, but some sort of professional counseling may help if it's available to you.
Post open heart surgery personality changes seem to be very common.
My consultant said to me that no-one is the same once their heart has been in another person's hands.
I had a triple bypass about 4 months ago and afterwards I felt like a different person. It was a strange and worrying time for me and my family.
In the weeks after the operation I found it hard to even contemplate doing the things I once enjoyed (fishing, reading) and I often caught myself talking to my family in ways I didn't do before the operation. I was short tempered sometimes. Not like me at all.
But recently I have been getting back to 'normal'. I now have a more relaxed attitude to everything and nothing seems to be so important as it once did. I found meditation helped a lot - I use the Calm app - as did long walks, especially in the woods near my home. Cardiac rehab was important too and it's a shame your husband can't get on the programme.
If your husband's recovery follows the same trajectory as mine it is probably just a case of waiting. A bypass is a big operation and your husband is so young - he must have been shocked to hear that he need a lifesaving op at 38. It takes time to adjust.
I suggest that you have a chat with your GP again, speak to the nurses on this site perhaps and the cardiac rehab team at your local hospital. Even though your husband is not going to rehab they will help, I'm sure.
I wish you and your husband all the best - it will be ok in the end.
hello Hart2202 I’m only on here to say I do hope things settle for you and your husband I’ve no experience of what your husband has been through so I’ve no knowledge at all in that department, however I do think things that happen to us physically have a profound affect on us all mentally, my husband had a pacemaker fitted ten years ago now and although we have got on with our lives we both have heart issues I think we both worry in part it’s human nature to worry I think men in particular push people away I’ve experienced this I think they feel inadequate, time will make him feel better. I do think in the meantime if he could speak to other people who have been through the same thing it would help him enormously any illness whichever way it comes at us can be lonely - I’m sure this forum and the experiences people have been through will know for not just your husband but for yourself as well where to get advice with a view to counselling as this is so important - things have changed dramatically in the last five years even about post op care so hopefully somebody can put you in the right direction - I wish you both well remember time us a great healer 🙂x
My husband had a cardiac arrest 2 and half years ago completely out the blue. We nearly lost him, he was gone for 13 minutes, 4 shocks and we were told he was unlikely to make it.
Once they got a stent in, after 2 days in an induced coma, he was woken up and home a week later like nothing had happened. He remembers nothing for a couple of days before and about 4 days after whereas myself and my sons were going through hell.
However, since then he has had some PTSD due to the shock of the event and finding out what had happened to him in such a short space of time. Also anxiety and bad claustrophobia which they think may be as he remembers the induced coma, without realising.
He has had some CBT counselling and also some hypnotherapy to help him through this and he has got over the worst of it, but still get some anxiety in busy places or when we have been on an aeroplane.
No point is everyone who has suffered a heart or life threatening episode seems to have some sort of mental scars, including those people around them, and there is no harm in seeking some help if you can convince him to give it a go. We did pay privately for my husbands as the NHS waiting list is long I believe, but it was not ridiculous, about £35 to £40 per session and he only needed about 6 to give him some coping mechanisms and allow him to talk freely.
He feels guilty for what me and the boys went through whilst he does not remember anything as for ages I could not talk about it without getting upset.
Good luck with it all, but get some professional counselling as it does help xx
I’m so sorry and also completely understand there are so many emotions to manage. There is relief that the physical has been dealt with then the realisation that the outcomes could have been very different. I had 5 stents on 3 arteries whilst undergoing a diagnostic procedure to make sure everything was ok. I was advised I was weeks / months away from a heart attack. Physically I feel better than I have for years. Mood, emotionally I know I’m very volatile. I have no time for stupidity and time wasting and seem to see it wherever I look. Where as I would find a softer way to communicate ( in my case more at work than home) I can’t be bothered with it. I know it’s changed me as a person I suspect your partner is going through something similar. He is a lot younger than me which must be even worse but it felt like to me that I’m ambling down the outside lane and suddenly there was a road closed sign in my lane and no way to get back into a different lane. There are many posts on here with shared issues and some great professionals out there who can help with the mental side of this. Time helps I have been told 2 years seems to be a common period to start to come to terms with it but everyone is different. My advice is don’t be frightened to ask for help and it sounds like he has already got the biggest thing that helped me a loving and supportive partner. ❤️
Your husbands age will have something to do with it. To find out you are not immortal at 38 is tough.
I lost interest in things for a while. For example I couldn't spend more than 20 minutes skimming round an exhibition or a museum. I was very short with my wife and didn't want new experiences. Your husband will deal with it in his own way which may mean withdrawing into himself and putting up a "barrier" that may mean keeping events and people at arms length.
I would encourage walking and especially incorporating places you both like which might be as simple as enjoying coffee and a cake at your local garden centre.
Core to many mens activities is driving and if he is unable to do that at present he may feel emasculated and less central to you and your families activities. If so I think getting back driving once he gets the Ok from the medics might help raise his morale. Choose a very easy route close by with easy parking, few awkward junctions and little need to turn round to back up. Fopr driving you could substitute other activities if driving is not something he does.
Is he being stimulated enough with access to books, radio, tablet etc etc.
I think it took 8/10 weeks before I was nicer to my wife and the emotions were less to the fore which coincided with the pain easing. The medication he will be taking likely won't help.. I reckon to have started driving at 8 weeks after my quad bypass and it immediately lifted me as I became useful instead of a burden. In other words I found a role again instead of just being a patient. I reckon it was 10 weeks before we took one night away at a favourite place.
So He will "come back" but that is likely to be when he can assume a central role and become more useful.
The behaviour you describe is familiar as I was acting differently for months until i started to get my confidence back in being able to get about again and adjust to the medication.
It probably stems from feeling frustrated at slow progress and feeling like he cant do what he wants to due to fatigue or fear of having an angina attack or HA.
Cardio rehab classes through the hospital have really helped my confidence in getting out and about and resuming what i used to do before.
Its been 11 months and Ive only just got back to near able to do my job at the level I used to.
Its a slow process unfortunately and you cant rush it. I tried to get back to normal way too early and i ended up in hospital and on the sick again.
My interests waned in my hobbies but are returning and I think the lack of feeling to others is maybe because he is focused in on himself and his health too much which i can also empathise with. Its difficukt to start looking outwards again after such a traumatic experience.
But again cardionrehab class helped bot just in seeing how far you can push yourself physically but also talking to people in the same boat and sharing experiences.
There are usually follow on classes outside hospital that are approved for cardiac patients like the one i do through Derby County Community Trust. They have been key in my recovery, i try fo a class twice a week. Ive also been to coffee morbings and they have dinners and a xmas trip this year too.
Ive hoined a repair cafe group as well to get out and meet some new friends whixh has helped enormously.
I empathise with your situation. My partner, aged 68, had a double CABG four months ago and the psychological recovery is challenging to say the least.
You’ve had great advice on here (as always) and we haven’t solved the problem, so I’m not going to try to say what works and what doesn’t. However, it’s important that you remember you too need support.
My coping mechanism is to remove myself from the situation until things have calmed down. I sometimes go and read in another room, I might pop to the shops or go for a walk. My partner is fully supportive of this and encourages me to take some time for myself.
It’s hard being a carer and it must be even more so at such a young age, when it’s unexpected. Hope it works out for both of you.
Having major surgery is traumatic enough and I think heart surgery is such a big thing to deal with because basically the heart is the machine that keeps us alive so having something happen to it is very scary. I would definitely push for the rehab for your husband as it not only gets you to meet others in the same health position but it also gives you confidence to understand what you can and can't do and it makes you realise you aren't the only one going through it. I would try not to get into any confrontations with your husband as it's not only upsetting but it's fruitless. Please try to remember your own wellbeing through this as well. Yes your husband is recovering but you have been through it in a different way and now you aren't only having to cope with your own emotions, you are having to cope with how your husband is being towards you too. Make sure you get time for yourself and remember you are important too. I really hope this all settles down and you get some good advice or the correct support to help you both through this tough time. Xx
First a big shout out to all those playing the supporting role- I’ve been lucky enough to have great support from my husband,family and friends- husband in particular must suffer all the emotional upheaval AND carry on keeping all the everyday ‘balls in the air’ . Something as dramatic as a heart attack does cause you to re evaluate everything and it takes time to adjust.
Hart2022 are you doing anything for your self ? Keeping a hobby going or meeting friends and family? Think about yourself as well you’ve been through/ going through a lot yourself . As rehab is so far down the road is there someone at BHFthat can help ? Good luck and remember this too will pass!
Thank you so much for your reply. I did reach out to the BHF nurses as they were brilliant giving me advise prior to his op, but i just got sent a link to depression.
we have small children, and i am on the go till after bed time which doesnt leave much room for myself. My husband says he is lonely so i try and spend time with him after, although at the minute it is quite strained. i cant leave him alone for too long with the kids as my 3 year old son can be quite unpredictable and if he starts to be bit of a tinker, it is too much for my husband. So 'me' time is not a thing right now. I am looking towards the end of his recovery and focusing on better, brighter days. thank you
The after care in this country for such a major operation is appalling. I went through this myself during lockdown. My husband was at a total loss and I had no clue what I was feeling besides anger and depression. I came across the stages of grieving and started recognising that I was angry because I had lost my physical capability, trusting in myself to ever become fit again. I had to accept that I would never be the vital person again that I was before, but I promised myself that I would work hard to get as close as possible to be my old self. It took 2 years of hard work, physically and mentally to get where I am now. I have had plenty of set backs, but a little note next to my bed that said: ‘one day at a time!’ Kept me grounded and look at reality. Good books to help is ‘ The healing self’ by Deepak Chopra. It answered my questions like ‘Where did I go wrong to have ended up like this’ and ‘What can I do to change that’.
I hope this gives you a little insight in what such surgery does to someone. Allow your husband to be angry, but tell him he is not allowed to take it out on you. Accept his emotions for what they are: HIS emotions! He needs to learn how to deal with them. I have come to realise that I have become much more emotional with hefty outbursts. I feel pressured easily and make nasty remarks to people who, I feel, make too much demand on me. I am still learning to say ‘no’ in a friendly but decisive manner. Be prepared to hear that more often.
Good luck with the recovery and don’t be afraid to post. The kind words of others on this site have helped me greatly in my recovery!
When we have open heart surgery and go on bypass, our brains take quite a while to process what has happened to us. I had my surgery 8 years ago replacement Aortic valve and bypass. Your emotions are all over the place and your husband is so very young to have to deal with this. He will have questions of why me? and the big question what will go wrong next? Your patience will be stretched to the limit, but hang on in there things will get easier. My problem was I couldn’t get my head round someone had held my heart in their hands and it freaked me out! Then after a while I realised I had been given a wonderful gift a second chance to live to enjoy my family to see my 5 granddaughters thrive, I thank my medical team every day for being able to give me more time, he will get there but maybe will need a little bit of help. Talking to his medical team will help.
You’ve had plenty of responses so will keep this short! I had a quad CABG 16 months ago at the age of 52. That’s young enough, but 38- wow. That’s massive. Life horizons utterly changed. First point - I did rehab late but it was fantastic. Good to meet people but great for info on nutrition, exercise, medical stuff. I’d say he must go. Secondly, I was offered a mental health triage following the op This is standard- I took it and had therapy. Hugely beneficial on ways I simply wouldn’t have known without it The trauma of the operation is significant, and only the therapy made me realise just how significant. Finally, 6 weeks post op is nothing- he will improve and life will return to a new normal. I was angry, scared, impatient, low, tearful , and catastrophised a lot after my op. All normal. Things will improve. Good luck!
I have read many of these comments; and they all send the same heartfelt message!
I had my mammary by-pass twenty years ago now! And, it was the same for me. Physically; I got over the operation in good time (about five months); however, then the dark cloud gradually appeared! It started to come up and out of me... from the centre of me. It felt like a strong dullness that radiated from the centre of my chest. For me, it was '''not''' a pulling me down thing; it was an (and note the '''was'''...) an existence of something missing! Fortunately, I had / have mental health therapy qualifications. I looked deep within myself and did much more online investigation. I had found that (and realised); the heart does a lot more than just pumping blood. The heart is the centre of your body's universe of energy. The heart itself feeds many of the chest organs with its own energy, and keeps many of your internal organs quite happy (Note the word ... happy!). When the heart undergoes an open chest / heart operation that internal energy of the heart is lost... it collapses, and never to return! This energy is different from the energy that the heart needs to work and pump! Proof of this ''energy-loss'' is; the feeling of dullness (which can turn to a feeling of depression) within the chest area... because something is missing; and it is, just that! Simply, the chest area, and the heart has been disturbed, and the ''happy'' energy (that we all feel)... has been lost, and it cannot be reconnected! But, it is '''not''' the end! Note the word '''was''' above! It is very much with in all of us; after a CABG to realise what has happened and soldier on. The patient can either give up; spiral down, and never come back. And, it is a known fact, there is a small percentage of people; a while after a CABG that commit suicide! Sorry! These are real facts! However, and this is a big HOWEVER... The patient can pick themselves up (with the help of other therapies; and perhaps, with mixing with those that are suffering the same thing (I personally did not want to sit and listen to others moaning about how they felt... it pulled me down further!)) So, what can you; the patient do... THATS EASY! You realise what has happened; you start getting a little tough with yourself; you start getting yourself out and about; you start finding interests; whatever they may be! (They may be totally different from what you had been doing... may even surprise family members! If you are a great big burly man and just want to sit and do some knitting ... DO IT!) And, anything else that starts to (AND THIS IS THE BIG BIT...) start to rebuild that internal energy that was collapsed and lost! Brick-by-brick; interest by interest rebuild that internal feeling of FEELING GOOD AND RAISING THE CONFIDENCES! Whatever it takes. Or would you prefer a coffin! (Yes, I don't mess with words... I say it as it is; and what happened for me!) Now, I am fully back; plus much more, because my heart is working very well again; and oddly as this may seem; it feels as though my heart is supporting all the positive decisions that I have made and continue to make! It's almost as if the heart is saying, yes, I can't do that HAPPY ENERGY bit anymore YES PLEASE ... please help me with this bit...!
YES YOU CAN GET YOUR FULL (IN THE CHEST) HAPPINESS BACK ... AND DON'T TAKE '''NO''' FOR AN ANSWER!!!
As important... EASE OFF THOSE PEOPLE AROUND YOU THAT ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU especially those that love you... !!!
Last but not least; as the patient; if you have days that you want / need to have a good cry; then do so, and out loud; enjoy it! The other side of a good cry is ... HAPPINESS!
I’m so sorry that you and your husband are experiencing this.
I underwent CABGx 3 a year ago and my personality changed too. I was often horrible to those closest to me, irritable and easily triggered. I was at first diagnosed with ‘post operative adjustment disorder’, a form of PTSD, which sounded reasonable to me. After all, it’s a harrowing, life changing experience, and you are very fortunate indeed to come through it mentally unscathed however much love and support you are surrounded by. I was prescribed anti- depressants which did little to help.
My mood disorder has continued. I’ve upset people with things I’ve said and done and some dear friends are no longer in my life, which distresses me greatly. My wife has asked for a divorce. Ironically I’m in the best physical shape of my life. I’m slimmer and fitter than I’ve ever been and physically at least I feel great.
A chance encounter with a friend who works in mental health suggested that my behavioural issues might be down to the high dose statins I have been taking since before the operation when I was first diagnosed with coronary artery disease. I remember crashing mentally not long after I started taking them. At the time I thought it was the prospect of undergoing open heart surgery that was making me depressed.
My cardiologist and psychiatrist agreed that the statins might have something to do with the way I’m behaving as cholesterol is needed to make seratonin and dopamine and for normal brain function. Under their supervision I’ve stopped taking the statins for a while as a ‘test’ and I have to say that I feel a new man. Totally transformed. And the improvement was rapid. I’m sleeping. I feel grounded and a lot calmer. Back to my old self, people say. It may be psychosomatic but I think there’s a definite connection.
I wonder if your husband is also on a high dose statin regime? If so it may be something to consider as one reason for his personality changes.
Of course, now my doctors and I have to work out how we move forward keeping my cholesterol levels under control without triggering psychological issues.
I hope you’ve found this useful. Things will get better. Your husband too will experience a ‘rebirth’ in time. Physically at least, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sending best wishes.
This sounds a bit like what happened with my husband. After his op, while physically he was excellent, mentally he was very down and depressed. This worried him even more because he expected to be happy about the outcome. When a GP friend, not out GP, asked me how he was I mentioned the depression. Her reply was that this is a common side effect. I seem to recall her saying something like it may be due to the length of time patients are under anaesthetic. patients are not told they may be depressed because if they are told, then they will be. It should wear off but each individual takes their own time.
My guess is everyone is different but I think we all get these emotional feelings. In the first few months after my HA I had a couple of false alarms, my cardiologist explained to me that I had a life pre HA and now I have a post HA life. I have to get used to the emotions, awareness of aches and pains that were always there but now seem to be more significant now but are not, getting used to people always asking how you are etc.
I have experienced anxiety for the first time in my life which is quite disturbing, I also now have mild claustrophobia, both of which my wife has always had to deal with, so I now have more empathy with her and people who have to deal with these things.
The worst thing though is going to Tesco in the middle of their shop re-arranging refit, that really sets me off😀.
At 38 your husband is very young so the event may have hit him harder than most. It may take a while but I'm sure he will get over these emotional changes fairly soon.
Wow. i am really blown away by all these kind and informative responses, i wasnt expecting it and i am really grateful. I am hoping to share these responses with my husband to give him some hope. i have tried to encourage him to come on here himself and reach out to other people in a similar boat, but i don't know if he is ready for that yet.
I am going to pick myself up, and try and remain normal and pop a smile on my face to try and help him out of this, i wont give up and i know this is temporary, and a result of his surgery. I have tried to give him space where he asks and keep my feelings to myself. I didnt expect him to take offence to other peoples feelings, but recognise that this may be a trigger for him right now, irrational or not.
I just want him to know he's not alone, and that one day he can see I've tried my best, and also that we all love him dearly and just want him to get better.
I am going to take the time to have a better read of all the responses tonight🧡 this has been a huge help to me thank you again.
As an addendum to what I have written above, one of my great hobbies is climate/weather.
I keep a daily record of temperatures inside and out, humidity, rainfall etc. I use an automatic weather machine and I transcribe the details by hand, taking me 1 minute for each of the 3 daily readings.
I note that I had my bypass the first week of May 2022 but the first regular recordings did not begin again until July 18. Until then I was too tired or "not bothered."
So it does take time to get back to anything like normal and regain past interests.
It is even more difficult for a man to have to deal with because men tend to think of themselves as the 'strong' one, the who takes care of the big issues in the relationship & I can imagine your husband is struggling with this more so than a woman, especially at such a young age for heart trouble. Deep down he is trying to antagonize you into dropping him because he probably feels unworthy of your care & love due to his ailment. That would be something he's not even aware of. Counselling has proven even more effective than anti-depressants for many people. That would be worth looking into. In any case time will heal.
Hi HartI read this and felt obliged to reply. I had exactly the same problems after I had my bypass. Physically, I was fine but mentally ,it affected me more than I ever could have imagined. My confidence had gone and all the things I used to love to do, I just didn't care anymore. My family brought it all to my attention and they felt as though I was in survival mode and just about doing enough to survive. They wanted the old me back and so did I. I went on a course of Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) a one hour session per week for about 8 weeks and the results were amazing. The girl who helped me was absolutely brilliant and sorted my head out so quickly. She set me tasks and it gave me the motivation to push myself and eventually I got there. Back riding my motorbike, going to football, socialising, everything. She told me to join a gym which I've never done before and it has changed my life. I feel so fit and healthy and happy. Hope this can help you in some way. Take care, there is help out there.
"He says he feels numb to things he once loved, and doesnt enjoy things anymore. He says he doesnt care about things, including how others feel." This could also be a side-effect of medication. I am not a doctor so please talk to one before making any changes. In my case, this is how I felt when taking all the medication prescribed to me after surgery (2 stents). When I stopped taking bisoprolol (beta-blocker), I was back in touch.
I now check my pulse daily and have been told to resume bisoprolol if it is above 60-70bpm.
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