My husband found out he needs a stent 3 weeks ago, he is due to have surgery at the end of March. He already has type 2 diabetes and gout both diagnosed 5 years ago, and is obese. He typically wants medication to manage his conditions and refuses to change his lifestyle of unhealthy eating and drinking, and no exercise. 1 year ago his GP told him his diabetic blood test came back showing his sugars were far to high, 85 when they want them to be around 47-52. And they gave him new meds and he just carried on, even thought the GP told him he needed to go for a walk every day. But just refused to, I mean point blank tantrum refused to when I tried to encourage him. One day this week in a 24 hour period he ate, a giant pizza, 6 hot cross buns, two pasty’s with a pile of oven chips peas sprouts and gravy (I don’t make these meals) chocolate, toast loaded with butter, hot chocolate, all washed down in the evening with whiskey and coke and/or lager. All while I cook enough health food that he refuses to eat saying he doesn’t like it. I have coeliac disease, but he constantly tries to get me to share his unhealthy meals, using language like ‘ are you sure you don’t want to join me and treat yourself’ it’s not a treat for me. But he seems to see his food as a treat, that somehow he deserves.
Has anyone had to deal with this type of behaviour, if so how did you manage and not worry yourself to death? I am at my wits end watching him
Written by
Daisy20220
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
He does, he always wants to stock the freezer with foods from Iceland, I have always cooked fresh foods, I was brought up this way, having coeliac disease it’s much easier to cook from scratch. We have been together for 10 years and it’s been a constant battle. He is hooked on processed foods and takeaways.
Really feel for you. I don't think there's a simple answer to this and the one's that there are must come from you.
Your husband will die if he goes on eating as he is now. What I feel I'd do is say stop the bad eating, or I'm going to leave you. If he doesn't stop, then go and stay with a relative and don't let him know where you are. See if he will then agree to change his diet if you go back to him. However, I'm very aware that what we think we'd do and then in the situation it's totally different and wouldn't.
Also could you perhaps cook him some tasty meals a little different to the ones of yours that he doesn't like. Ask him what meals he'd like you to cook and then adapt them slightly to make a little more healthy.
Let us know how you get on please. Will be thinking of you.
I have known of two friends with husbands rather like yours. They failed in their attempts to change husbands habits. Not much you can do. Your husband is a adult and therefore as unhappy as it makes you he is responsible for his own health.
Dear Daisy20220
Yours is one of the saddest post that I have read on here and I feel so strongly for you.
You ask advice from people that are in the same position as yours, but I think that I would have to be completely heartless to not be able to see the pain that you are in, regardless of my own situation.
You are not going to like this but I feel that your love is letting him get away with this as it it is so overwhelmingly obvious that you love this person.
What I’m not to sure about is they feel the same for you, because they seem intent on destroying themselves and dragging you with them.
I really don’t know what the answer is, you are not well yourself, where is the support you need?
Your post opens so many question who’s answers you already know, but only you can action on those answers.
Hi, I spoke to him on the day he saw the consultant and told him how I feel, my fears, I have spoken to him twice since, yesterday just brought home the years of self indulgence on his part, his poor health, and how he tries to manipulate me. I am exhausted and afraid of our future but he will put up the wall of silence.
I admire your resolve and fortitude in sticking to your own healthy, home cooked diet. That must take real grit and determination on your part.
No matter how resentful your husband is of your positive life-style choices I hope you don't waver. All you can do is establish yourself as a good example of how to take ownership and responsibility for a challenging medical condition.
Lucky, your hubby has an appointment for stenting soon, I have been waiting since March 2021 just for angiography. The rest of the story is so pathetic and makes my blood boil leave aside yours. Your love and devotion keeps you together despite the circumstances. Keep on in a nice way and one day perseverance will pay. Have you seen a clinical psychologist together. Looking forward to the day , the day of compliance and more than half the battle will be won.
He sounds like a very selfish man. My father was exactly the same, he came home from hospital after a heart attack, my Mum had made a chicken salad for his lunch.....he got the frying pan out, put the tomatoes and chicken in the frying pan, the rest of the meal went in the bin. He continued to smoke untipped cigarettes and go out for his two to three pints every night. My Mum pleaded with him to change his lifestyle, his answer was that if he couldnt have the things he enjoyed then there was no point in living. He passed away before his 65th birthday.My twin brother was pretty much the same, despite having serious cardiac issues, he loved his takeaways, but not quite as much as he loved his drink. He found his angel wings at 61 years old.
My Dad and twin brother were both well educated and knew that their lifestyles were doing them no favours, but their addiction, and thats what it is, addiction....a word that they wouldnt use to a poor diet and alcohol won over.
My viewpoint is that diet and lifestyle make a massive difference to your health, it just cant be disputed, luckily my wife thinks exactly the same, and really takes care of me and keeps me on track.
I'm 70 this year and despite having a heart attack 8 months ago I feel great......had I taken the same choices as my Dad and Brother I'm 100% posotive that my wife would be a widow.
I've still got plenty of things to look forward to and whatever I can do to enjoy time with my wife and keep those nails out of my coffin I will do, your husband needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
He is a very selfish man. What I haven’t mentioned is that I am my dad’s carer and in the past 18 months he has had a stroke, a heart attack, he had to have a stent, he has had kidney failure and now has vascular dementia, sight problems and mobility problems. My dad wasn’t living healthy and had been non compliant with medication, the doctor called me from A and E when he had his heart attack and told me if I could not guarantee my dad would change and take his meds they would not operate. I had to give them my word he would change, and bless him he has. I can’t believe that my husband is behaving the way he is when he knows how stressful it has been for me dealing with my dad without his help. Yes, my husband is a very selfish man indeed.
Get him to watch My 600 lb life! These people are literally eating themselves into an early grave.
That is a serious suggestion as I have to come to realise food is as addictive as any drug and even though people know what they are doing they can't seem to stop themselves. Maybe if he watched a few episodes of this he will realise what lies ahead.
Other than that if you buy the food or in any way prepare it you are enabling him and so you may need to change your behaviour too.
If there is a specific reason for his overeating then maybe a few sessions with a therapist?
He will kill himself if he doesn't change his eating habit and there is no way to sugar coat this.
It makes a big difference doesn't it, I feel so sorry for people who have to face a heart attack and the rehabilitation both physically and mentally without the support of a loving partner.We've been together for 49 years and I think I've said thank you more in the last 8 months than I have in total in the previous 48 years.
It's also made us love and appreciate each other far more.
My husband had ' head in the sand syndrome ', I really don't know when that changed, but the change came from him. I think it's when I stopped pushing. Men, (excuse me) can be very child like. I'm sure your husband knows you love him and would hate to lose him, but for some reason he is digging his heals in. I know when it comes to my grandchildren, when they don't want to cooperate, I change tactics. You need to look after your own health, just know, you are doing your very best, the change has to come from your husband. One thing my husband did was write down food diary himself, he realised change was needed. Please don't do that yourself. I feel for you! Take care. Moni
In the 10 years we have been together his health has gotten worse. I know there is something psychologically wrong, it’s hard to put into words, but it’s disturbing to witness. He sought counselling 6 years ago but stopped going when she tried to encourage him to make different choices. He doesn’t want to make different choices, as someone else said, he could well be addicted to food, sadly unhealthy foods. He gave up smoking about 5 years ago but replaced them with vips, he constantly carries 3 around with him and puffs on them more than he ever puffed on fags. He even takes then to the toilet with him. He has addictive personality traits. I don’t know what it will take to get him to take responsibility for himself.
It is very hard being the wife, people mistakenly think it's our responsibility, or that we are enabling them. They are cunning, they make those choices. My husband had a couple of health scares before changing. Please take care of yourself, don't take to heart, what others say, or even what your husband says. Your husband will only believe what suits his lifestyle, my husband used to quote Google and think he could convince me. Please take care!! Moni
I am sorry to hear the position you are in. It is quite clear you love him unconditionally,
There are two things that you have said that really worry me about you though (rather than him), one that he tries to manipulate you and that he talks about you eating things that are clearly not good for you. He is a bully.
Having witnessed domestic abuse, this appears very much like it, and despite the love you have you really do need to make sure your health (including your mental health) comes first.
Of course look for therapy for him, but what does worry me is that this behaviour won't stop as he will only put an act on and then revert to type.
This seems very sad, have you the support you need? It sounds like he is a lost cause, if possible I would probably move out and leave him to his own selfish state. Sometimes love means being utterly tough. Good luck, don't throw your life too, on his self ignited bonfire.
Has he got good life insurance? Even if he has, ask him to get a lot more. He needs help but it appears he refuses to recognise it. Nothing concentrates the mind like money. The premiums might be a bit expensive, suggest that you take the money from his food bill.
If he refuses on the life insurance you know then what he really thinks of your marriage and you have your answer as to what to do next.
If your husband is, as you say, obese, has high readings for diabetes and suffers with gout, will the cardiologist be able/willing to fit a stent. I don't know exactly what is involved in this procedure but being obese is a no-no for a lot of operations.
Having had 3 stents myself, opposed to a quadruple bypass, which I needed but couldn't be undertaken, due to the high risks involved, it's really more of a procedure than an operation, a surgical intervention would probably best describe it. But then as with the open heart surgery, there is the cardio rehab. to follow and the life long taking of a vast amount of medication.Goodness only knows what the Drs carrying out these costly life-saving procedures on patients such as miss Daisy's husband, must really think . . . Well I think we can all take a pretty accurate guess on that one 🤐🤐
Daisy, what a desperate time you must be enduring, sounds as if this issue goes way deeper than just the presenting un-healthy eating and lifestyle issues.If, after all the time and effort you have put in trying to help and support him, your husband wants to continue to eat/drink/smoke himself into an early grave, so be it.
I'm sorry to say this but he clearly doesn't respect you, or seem to care that he will leave you a widow before your time.
Your situation suggests, that it's all actually about resentment and control, in all its manifestations in your relationship, this Daisy is a form of domestic abuse . . . not just a grumpy husband.
You need to look after yourself as the priority here.
Is there someone who can offer you support, be it a friend, relation or a professional ?
Your GP may be your first point of reference, as I assume he/she is also your husbands GP, so would be, at least to some level, be aware of your husbands "issues".
It's not your sole responsibility to "save" your husband, much as you have valiantly tried, it's up to him to help himself. But it is down to you to save YOURSELF, you are worthy of making yourself a priority.
Your GP could make a referral for you to speak with a specialized health professional, a Psychologist or a Counsellor who could help guide and support you through your current circumstances and provide you with the "tools" you need to deal with your husbands obstructive and challenging behaviours as a first step to an acceptable resolution.
I wish you all the very best, look after yourself and remember we are all here for you. 🙏🙏🙏
Hi, thank you for your message. His behaviour did escalate so much out came the controlling bully, that I asked him to leave for a couple of nights this morning and he left. I have spoken to my GP and will see him face to face on Wednesday. Hopefully, one way or another things will change.
Well done Daisy, that must have taken some courage.At least for now that gives you some breathing space and time to think in peace and quiet.
I hope speaking with your GP will be productive and he can refer you on to the support you need to get through this one way or another. Please take care. 🙏🙏
Good on you Daisy 20220, I really hope for your sake and for his he comes to his senses.
Hi, my GP is referring me to a woman's domestic abuse organisation, it doesn’t come as a shock, I have been putting up with his behaviour because I have felt sorry for him. My GP agreed that he has a complex mental health problem when I explained all of what my husband calls his quirks, they aren’t quirks, it is psychological abuse. My GP said my husband has to ask for help, for his physical health and his psychology health. There is a long road ahead, a sad one I feel for both of us. Thank you for asking.
Hi Daisy, haven't been on here in a while and have just seen your post. Your husband thinks he's invincible like a lot of us did .We always think the heart attack happens to others. We'll, he needs to think again because he's heading for the big one, there's no kind way of putting it . You have to be brutal. From what you describe he's addicted to food. It's a wonder a Doctor hasn't given him the warning what may happen.
Do not be drawn into his bad ways of food . Trouble is these days so much bad food is tempting people to an early grave.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Poorly husband post valve replacement and HAP - anyone with advice about recovery and care? 
Support for husband having triple heart bypass in February 2024
Partner needing advice
after heart attack, waiting for more stents - advice needed
Husband asking for independence 
