Advice on how to stop driving myself (and my husband) mad with worrying please.

[MK22]

Hello all - my husband has had two heart attacks, one quite major in 2018 and another slightly less dramatic in 2021. He has had two stents fitted and is on lots of daily medication which he's good at taking on a daily basis. He is currently getting over a virus which has been accompanied by chest pains and tightness which are still continuing. He assures me that these pains have reduced a little and indeed that he fairly regular gets chest pains which he puts down to stress (the responsibilities of his job are very demanding). My anxious questioning of him as to whether the pains are abating seem only serve to increase his stress and make the tightness worse! I would be grateful for any advice on how I can be supportive and rational when chest pains occur and not gripped with panic that this is the build up to a third heart attack! Thanks and best wishes to all.

[Carlg]

Maybe come up with a way of checking that's not too much. I must admit I get ticked off with my partner sometimes over checking. We sat down and came up with a questions that I answer honestly. This is a way of me letting him know I'm ok.

It is difficult as the role of the partner does change over time. From needing to do everything to not needing much.

[MK22 in reply to Carlg]

Thanks very much Carlg . I think you've hit the nail on the head - honest answers from my husband which I believe without lots of follow up questions! All the best to you and your partner.

[Cruiser25]

This is a toughie, as a survivor of a biggie HA earlier this year, the only advice I can offer is try to look at your husband objectively, not at all easy I know.

Your hubby's HA (1) was a while ago, did he change his lifestyle...diet, smoking (if applicable), exercise, rehab? then more recently (no 2)...the same questions. The stents open up the arteries, and allow the blood to flow. He then needs to do his bit, the repair alone doesn't do it. Whatever heart disease that was there before , will still be there, all we can do is mitigate our own risks and make the best of it!

Others on this forum explain this process in a far better way than I can.

If he's made these changes, taken up rehab, exercising. improved his diet etc: then this helps your anxieties because, if he can be this different, then maybe these uncomfortable aches and pains could be part of the healing process. I am not medically trained, all I can offer is a personal opinion. We all seem to get aches and pains as this process unfolds, and we are all different. Is this different for him? Obviously, call the 9's if any of these pains are different and never take chances. We've all been back to A&E following such episodes and found they're false alarms (well mostly), and we are NEVER criticised for this, quite the opposite, as I say don't take chances.

Using these indicators may help when deciding if you need to question him about these pains, but, if reassured, maybe believe him when he says they're abating or something which isn't alarming to him? This is not an exacting thing & you KNOW him, instinct is a powerful thing and there for good reason.

I wish you reassurance and peace on your journeys.

[MK22 in reply to Cruiser25]

I really appreciate your thoughtful message Cruiser25 . Lots of good advice which I'll take on board. While my husband has made some lifestyle changes there's more that we can do as a family (improved eating habits etc) to help mitigate the risks. Thanks and all best wishes to you.

[Hidden]

A difficult one for all involved in these life changing events. For me a survivor of a HA 11 years ago and more recently MItral valve repair surgery I tried to address my families worries from the start by asking them not to keep asking 'how are you feeling? is there anything I can get you? etc etc' as I knew it would only add to what is already a major upheaval both on their lives and obviously my life. I agreed to let them know if there were any changes to my condition etc. Why this way? I was learning about the new me and what sort of things my body was going to be throwing at me and I knew the 'anxious' questions would keep those things at the fore front of your mind, probably even making them them worse. I had to be totally honest with myself though and show the family I was keeping my end of the deal aswell which is/was just as important.

I did my rehab, I do my daily exercise come rain or shine. I changed my diet. I even changed my career all to ensure my second chance is/was given the best opportunity of sucess. It has worked for me/us thus far and today things are pretty good thankfully, long may it continue. 😀

ATB to you, your husband and family. I hope you can all find a way to be supportive for each other whilst learning to live with these tough changes.

[MK22 in reply to Hidden]

Really helpful advice - than you Hidden . Job stress is one of my major concerns for my husband and it's difficult for him to change that - however there are plenty of other lifestyle improvements we can work on together to help him build his resilience. Wishing you well in your surgery recovery and all the best to you and your family too.

[Brolly12]

Just think, his heart is in a much better state than before because of medication and stents. I used to worry about my dad but he lived a good 34 years after his heart attack and stents !!! All that worry for nothing - he didn’t even die of heart issues in the end. He’s being monitored and medicated. Try not to worry - Best wishes

[MK22 in reply to Brolly12]

There are such lovely, thoughtful people on this thread! Thank you for your message Brolly12 which has really encouraged us. All best wishes.

[Kewen]

Hello MK 22 , your situation rings so true with me . I find myself constantly watching for signs of a problem , and asking hubby if he’s ok . I don’t have much to add to help . But I find this forum so helpful and a wealth of good advice from such caring people.

[MK22 in reply to Kewen]

You're right Kewen . The advice shared is so helpful and it's a real comfort to know we're not on our own. Thinking of you and your husband too. All the best to you both.

[Kewen in reply to MK22]

thankyou x

[ChoochSiesta]

When you talk of "demanding job causing stress" that is a massive red flag. I took early retirement over 2 years ago and have never regretted it for one moment.

[MK22 in reply to ChoochSiesta]

Yes, this is very much on our minds ChoochSiesta - you're right about it being a red flag. We've been running a small charity for 20 years which we care deeply about and my husband is the linchpin - if he stops, the work of the charity, which is needed more than ever at the moment, will be in jeopardy. We're working on a succession plan now which is a good start. Hope you continue to thoroughly enjoy your early retirement! All best wishes.