Instead of jokes scattered through the forum I thought it might be useful to have a dedicated thread. Just add any new joke to the end and attach any comment to the joke itself. I will add my starter for 10!
Cracker Jokes: Instead of jokes... - British Heart Fou...
Cracker Jokes
MichaelJHHeart Star
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MichaelJH
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MichaelJHHeart Star
Government scientists were using genetic modification to try and create a super apple. Sadly the experiment went pear shaped! 😁
😂🤣😂🤣 🎄☃️❄
My friend's son ate some Christmas decorations. Now he has tinsillitis! 
Haha 🎄❄☃️🤣🤣🤣
MichaelJHHeart Star
Cat was singing this morning:
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree,
Your ornaments are history!
Of cause, mine are ancient, 🤣🤣🤣, 38 years old half of them..... 🎄🎄🎄
MichaelJHHeart Star
What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!
Oh Michael, had such a busy weekend, these jokes are ace. Thanks everybody 💜❤❄☃️🤣🎄
Two eggs, two rashers of bacon, two sausages and a tin of beans walk into a bar.
The barman says “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast in here"!
What?????,? Joking right? hahahahaha 😅🤣😂🤣😂
A snail 🐌slithered into the local bar and asked for a pint. The barman picked him up by the shell and said you ain't coming in here! Then threw him out. Two days later the same snail 🐌went back in to the bar and What you do that for? 🤣
I love this joke, I keep coming back to it and it still makes me laugh 😂
MichaelJHHeart Star
Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there! 😁
Now, that's a cracker Michael 😅🤣😂🤣🤣😂🎶🎵🎼👍
What do Santa's helpers have to do for HMRC?
Elf assessment.
Love, love, hahahaha 😂😂😂😂😂
Knock knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
(I think here is where I must in good faith confess I'm getting these from the recent Daily Telegraph piece titled '50 Best Christmas Cracker Jokes' )
MichaelJHHeart Star
Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
He was desperate for some holiday spirit.
MichaelJHHeart Star
The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I’m going to take it back to the shop and get it exchanged it for another one free of charge!
MichaelJHHeart Star
I met this woman today who said she recognized me from a vegan group, but I'd never met herbivore.
Crazy jokes, I shall write them all down and we can have a laugh after Christmas Dinner with my family... going to my daughter's 😂😁😁❄☃️🎄
MichaelJHHeart Star
During War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!
MichaelJHHeart Star
The four stages of life…
1. You believe in Father Christmas
2. You don't believe in Father Christmas
3. You become Father Christmas
4. You look like Father Christmas
I like this idea! When I want to brighten my day I know where to go.
How are you Love100cats?
I'm feeling less numb and getting used to the solitude. It's true what they say that even an expected death is a shock. But he had multi organ failure so it's a relief and he died at home in his own bed which is very comforting. We all did our best and he knew it! So now I need to focus on my own heart failure and see what I've got left in the tank!
I am sending you a big virtual hug.
Your love and devotion to your husband was just so special.
I hope you do now have time for yourself...wishing you a full a tank as possible!
MichaelJHHeart Star
Slightly naughty!
Little girl asks father Christmas for a baby brother.
Father Christmas says: Send your mother to me!
What can we learn from hippotamuses?
That it's impossible to lose weight by eating grass, salads & walking 😂
MichaelJHHeart Star
Please let me know if you will be alone at Christmas. We need to borrow some chairs!
MichaelJHHeart Star
Take some leftover sprouts, wrap in foil and randomly mix with the Ferrero Rocher!
MichaelJHHeart Star
Q. Why do you carrots are good for your eyes?
A. Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.
How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.
Would have been a great line in some of the pointless annual (job) reviews I have had over the years! 😁
man walked into bar went to cigarette machine which said to him youre fat and ugly , then hewentto bar to eat some peanuts who said to him you are fantastic and beautiful, the barman came across and said i should have told you thecaigarette machine is out of order and the peanuts are complmentary
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