Instead of jokes scattered through the forum I thought it might be useful to have a dedicated thread. Just add any new joke to the end and attach any comment to the joke itself. I will add my starter for 10!
Cracker Jokes: Instead of jokes... - British Heart Fou...
Cracker Jokes
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Government scientists were using genetic modification to try and create a super apple. Sadly the experiment went pear shaped! 😁
![MichaelJH profile image](https://images.hu-production.be/avatars/a02093bc06bedc9bd02911eb11d1babd_small@2x_100x100.jpg)
Cat was singing this morning:
Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree,
Your ornaments are history!
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What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!
Two eggs, two rashers of bacon, two sausages and a tin of beans walk into a bar.
The barman says “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast in here"!
A snail 🐌slithered into the local bar and asked for a pint. The barman picked him up by the shell and said you ain't coming in here! Then threw him out. Two days later the same snail 🐌went back in to the bar and What you do that for? 🤣
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Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there! 😁
Knock knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
(I think here is where I must in good faith confess I'm getting these from the recent Daily Telegraph piece titled '50 Best Christmas Cracker Jokes' )
![MichaelJH profile image](https://images.hu-production.be/avatars/a02093bc06bedc9bd02911eb11d1babd_small@2x_100x100.jpg)
Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
He was desperate for some holiday spirit.
![MichaelJH profile image](https://images.hu-production.be/avatars/a02093bc06bedc9bd02911eb11d1babd_small@2x_100x100.jpg)
The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I’m going to take it back to the shop and get it exchanged it for another one free of charge!
![MichaelJH profile image](https://images.hu-production.be/avatars/a02093bc06bedc9bd02911eb11d1babd_small@2x_100x100.jpg)
I met this woman today who said she recognized me from a vegan group, but I'd never met herbivore.
![MichaelJH profile image](https://images.hu-production.be/avatars/a02093bc06bedc9bd02911eb11d1babd_small@2x_100x100.jpg)
During War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!
![MichaelJH profile image](https://images.hu-production.be/avatars/a02093bc06bedc9bd02911eb11d1babd_small@2x_100x100.jpg)
The four stages of life…
1. You believe in Father Christmas
2. You don't believe in Father Christmas
3. You become Father Christmas
4. You look like Father Christmas
I like this idea! When I want to brighten my day I know where to go.
How are you Love100cats?
I'm feeling less numb and getting used to the solitude. It's true what they say that even an expected death is a shock. But he had multi organ failure so it's a relief and he died at home in his own bed which is very comforting. We all did our best and he knew it! So now I need to focus on my own heart failure and see what I've got left in the tank!
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Slightly naughty!
Little girl asks father Christmas for a baby brother.
Father Christmas says: Send your mother to me!
What can we learn from hippotamuses?
That it's impossible to lose weight by eating grass, salads & walking 😂
![MichaelJH profile image](https://images.hu-production.be/avatars/a02093bc06bedc9bd02911eb11d1babd_small@2x_100x100.jpg)
Please let me know if you will be alone at Christmas. We need to borrow some chairs!
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Take some leftover sprouts, wrap in foil and randomly mix with the Ferrero Rocher!
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Q. Why do you carrots are good for your eyes?
A. Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
My friend asked me where I see myself in the new year.
How would I know? I don't have 2020 vision.
man walked into bar went to cigarette machine which said to him youre fat and ugly , then hewentto bar to eat some peanuts who said to him you are fantastic and beautiful, the barman came across and said i should have told you thecaigarette machine is out of order and the peanuts are complmentary