One Legged Jokes : As many of you will... - British Heart Fou...

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One Legged Jokes

MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJHHeart Star
โ€ข36 Replies

As many of you will know I had a BKA (below knee amputation) just over three months ago. I am feeling a bit down so I felt the need for a few jokes!

When I was using the ATM the man behind me (socially distanced) asked what was taking me so long. I said I was checking my balance!

It didn't work out with my new girlfriend. She said we got off on the wrong foot!

I might get a prosthesic leg for Christmas. It will probably be a stocking filler!

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Why doesn't my podiatrist charge half price?

I took my physiotherapist to the local coffee. She put "All I need is someone to lean on" on the juke box. I wonder why?

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen!

A midget came in the gym as I was doing rehab a lifted me up. I feel a lot better after that quick "pick me up"!

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MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJH
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36 Replies
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Sunnie2day profile image
Sunnie2day

I'm laughing, but also asking where did you find these?

Magicfairy profile image
Magicfairy

So sorry youโ€™re feeling a bit down, me too, such weird times, think we all need a group virtual hug ๐Ÿค— x

SpiritoftheFloyd profile image
SpiritoftheFloyd

Very good Michael, have you been opening Christmas crackers?

MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJHHeart Starโ€ข in reply toSpiritoftheFloyd

Yes, but it's harder putting them all back together again.. ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

SpiritoftheFloyd profile image
SpiritoftheFloydโ€ข in reply toMichaelJH

Good to see your sense of humour is still intact, hope you're rehab is progressing well.

Meatless profile image
Meatless

Flip Michael that has cheered me up, niggly pains all day today but youโ€™ve lifted my mood...

Milkfairy profile image
MilkfairyHeart Star

Michael I loved the jokes.

What would we all do without your sense of humour?

Laughter is the best medicine just what the doctor ordered.

Mgs333 profile image
Mgs333

Reminds me of the time I went to see a one legged Elvis impersonator, he sang "Don't step on my blue suede shoe"

Stuart2441 profile image
Stuart2441

Some good humour and of course nothing left me 'stumped'. ๐Ÿ˜. Pleased you are doing good.

Janma123 profile image
Janma123

๐Ÿ˜‚ keep them coming - I love your jokes!

Ocset profile image
Ocset

LOL...hilarious....

everything will be ok and such "down days" will be distant memory. keep smiling :-)

Patasquith profile image
Patasquith

This brings back cringe memories of years ago as a home care manager visiting a new client who had had a traumatic time when during a routine operation something went wrong and she woke up to find the surgeon had had to amputate her leg. In the course of conversation arranging care I said โ€œit will be difficult shopping when you are used to just hopping on a busโ€ followed later in discussion about blame โ€œyou wouldnโ€™t have a leg to stand onโ€.

STUBAX profile image
STUBAX

๐Ÿ˜‚

Ceo1 profile image
Ceo1

Hi Michael, I was dreaming about you last night ( must have been those excruciating jokes playing on my mind) just wondered how you were really doing- are you home now? Is your prosthetic leg with you? Are you managing ok? Hope the answers will be all affirmative. All best wishes, C.

Scho1 profile image
Scho1

Iโ€™m laughing and hope you retain your sense of humour. Stay safe and strong. ๐Ÿ˜Š

JayceeW profile image
JayceeW

Michael, you have given so much hope to so many people, do save a little for yourself. Moods go up and down these days but remember โ€˜tomorrow will be a better dayโ€™. You have Captain Tomโ€™s word on it!

Sunshinebrew profile image
Sunshinebrew

Great jokes your so positive itโ€™s really cheered me up

jamesapjim profile image
jamesapjim

Sending you best wishes Michael. Thanks for the chuckles it gave me that "Friday feeling". Hope you are soon feeling better.

Ianc2 profile image
Ianc2

Good to hear you are making progress. Perhaps a pet would help you take wing. Have you considered getting a parrot?

d4dave profile image
d4dave

I was on a bus once and saw a chap with no legs waiting at the next stop. The driver stopped at the bus stop, opened the doors, and said "Hello Mate. How are you getting on?"

eggbox profile image
eggbox

Great way to deal with your difficulties Mate, far too many of us forget that a few laughs go a long way...unlike the one-legged man in the arse kicking contest ๐Ÿ˜‚

AdamAdamant profile image
AdamAdamant

Reminds me of a visit I made to Sri Lanka (true story). There were a group of beggars outside a temple and one of them, a man with no legs below the knee, was using a hi tech disabled mobility aid. I asked the guide what happened ? Apparently a German tourist took pity on him and bought him a pair of artificial limbs which meant he could ride a motor bike. However, he discovered his receipts from begging went down so he took to riding his bike to the temple then removing his artificial legs and hiding them away. At the end of the day he put the legs back on. Apparently he was very fond of a drink so often rode from the temple to the bar where he proceeded to get legless.

The same tourist later paid for the mobility aid.

Wooodsie profile image
Wooodsie

Look on the bright side Michael, you have lost a lot of weight ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคทโ€โ™‚๏ธ

MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJHHeart Starโ€ข in reply toWooodsie

An average lower leg weighs around 2.5kg - 3.0kg. I started at 90kg and my lowest was 72.2kg. This afternoon I weighed in at 82.25kg without the prosthetic. Personally I don't recommend cutting off your legs to lose weight! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

Wooodsie profile image
Wooodsieโ€ข in reply toMichaelJH

I bet it was hard standing on the scales ๐Ÿ˜‚

MichaelJH profile image
MichaelJHHeart Starโ€ข in reply toWooodsie

Like the ATM - a question of balance! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

KB47 profile image
KB47โ€ข in reply toMichaelJH

Awww Michael, you've got such a brilliant sense of humor. I know that you're bound to have your bad days. But you always come back here with some bloody good jokes. Today have been a particularly bad day for me. Lots of pain . my head going to places it shouldn't be going to. But I've read your jokes, and you've really picked me up. I even managed a few chuckles ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜. You really are an inspiration to us all. Thankyou. Glo ๐Ÿ˜˜ xx

Alison_L profile image
Alison_L

Thanks, Michael, that certainly made me smile. Hope it does the same for you xx

Qualipop profile image
Qualipop

Love the ATM one. Normal to start feeling down but you will get there.

Silverball profile image
Silverball

Try the incomparable Dudley Moore and Peter Cook's take on it.

Search for "Peter Cook & Dudley Moore - the "One-Legged Tarzan" sketch - '89" on youtube

Handel profile image
Handel

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ You're an inspiration Michael xxx

Tickertalker profile image
Tickertalker

I went to the doctor last week and he said 'I'm sorry to tell you but we're going to have to amputate your leg'. 'I want a second opinion' I replied in shock. 'Alright' said the doctor 'You're ugly as well'.

RobPr profile image
RobPr

Take care, you've cheered me up!

RobPr profile image
RobPr

Also if you get an eyepatch and budgie, you'll win on talk like a pirate day (19 September )

...Yaaar

HHH2017 profile image
HHH2017

Hope your jokes cheered you up as much as they did all of us๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿคž๐Ÿฝ this coming week is a positive one for you ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Astronomyrules profile image
Astronomyrules

Only just read your post. Thanks for the laughs and hoping the good days far outway the bad from now on.:=)

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