One Legged Jokes : As many of you will... - British Heart Fou...

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One Legged Jokes

MichaelJHHeart Star

As many of you will know I had a BKA (below knee amputation) just over three months ago. I am feeling a bit down so I felt the need for a few jokes!

When I was using the ATM the man behind me (socially distanced) asked what was taking me so long. I said I was checking my balance!

It didn't work out with my new girlfriend. She said we got off on the wrong foot!

I might get a prosthesic leg for Christmas. It will probably be a stocking filler!

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

Why doesn't my podiatrist charge half price?

I took my physiotherapist to the local coffee. She put "All I need is someone to lean on" on the juke box. I wonder why?

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen!

A midget came in the gym as I was doing rehab a lifted me up. I feel a lot better after that quick "pick me up"!

36 Replies

I'm laughing, but also asking where did you find these?

So sorry you’re feeling a bit down, me too, such weird times, think we all need a group virtual hug 🤗 x

Very good Michael, have you been opening Christmas crackers?

MichaelJHHeart Star in reply to SpiritoftheFloyd

Yes, but it's harder putting them all back together again.. 🤣🤣🤣

Good to see your sense of humour is still intact, hope you're rehab is progressing well.

Flip Michael that has cheered me up, niggly pains all day today but you’ve lifted my mood...

MilkfairyHeart Star

Michael I loved the jokes.

What would we all do without your sense of humour?

Laughter is the best medicine just what the doctor ordered.

Reminds me of the time I went to see a one legged Elvis impersonator, he sang "Don't step on my blue suede shoe"

Some good humour and of course nothing left me 'stumped'. 😁. Pleased you are doing good.

😂 keep them coming - I love your jokes!


everything will be ok and such "down days" will be distant memory. keep smiling :-)

This brings back cringe memories of years ago as a home care manager visiting a new client who had had a traumatic time when during a routine operation something went wrong and she woke up to find the surgeon had had to amputate her leg. In the course of conversation arranging care I said “it will be difficult shopping when you are used to just hopping on a bus” followed later in discussion about blame “you wouldn’t have a leg to stand on”.


Hi Michael, I was dreaming about you last night ( must have been those excruciating jokes playing on my mind) just wondered how you were really doing- are you home now? Is your prosthetic leg with you? Are you managing ok? Hope the answers will be all affirmative. All best wishes, C.

I’m laughing and hope you retain your sense of humour. Stay safe and strong. 😊

Michael, you have given so much hope to so many people, do save a little for yourself. Moods go up and down these days but remember ‘tomorrow will be a better day’. You have Captain Tom’s word on it!

Great jokes your so positive it’s really cheered me up

Sending you best wishes Michael. Thanks for the chuckles it gave me that "Friday feeling". Hope you are soon feeling better.

Good to hear you are making progress. Perhaps a pet would help you take wing. Have you considered getting a parrot?

I was on a bus once and saw a chap with no legs waiting at the next stop. The driver stopped at the bus stop, opened the doors, and said "Hello Mate. How are you getting on?"

Great way to deal with your difficulties Mate, far too many of us forget that a few laughs go a long way...unlike the one-legged man in the arse kicking contest 😂

Reminds me of a visit I made to Sri Lanka (true story). There were a group of beggars outside a temple and one of them, a man with no legs below the knee, was using a hi tech disabled mobility aid. I asked the guide what happened ? Apparently a German tourist took pity on him and bought him a pair of artificial limbs which meant he could ride a motor bike. However, he discovered his receipts from begging went down so he took to riding his bike to the temple then removing his artificial legs and hiding them away. At the end of the day he put the legs back on. Apparently he was very fond of a drink so often rode from the temple to the bar where he proceeded to get legless.

The same tourist later paid for the mobility aid.

Look on the bright side Michael, you have lost a lot of weight 😂🤷‍♂️

MichaelJHHeart Star in reply to Wooodsie

An average lower leg weighs around 2.5kg - 3.0kg. I started at 90kg and my lowest was 72.2kg. This afternoon I weighed in at 82.25kg without the prosthetic. Personally I don't recommend cutting off your legs to lose weight! 🤣🤣🤣

Wooodsie in reply to MichaelJH

I bet it was hard standing on the scales 😂

MichaelJHHeart Star in reply to Wooodsie

Like the ATM - a question of balance! 🤣🤣🤣

KB47 in reply to MichaelJH

Awww Michael, you've got such a brilliant sense of humor. I know that you're bound to have your bad days. But you always come back here with some bloody good jokes. Today have been a particularly bad day for me. Lots of pain . my head going to places it shouldn't be going to. But I've read your jokes, and you've really picked me up. I even managed a few chuckles 😊😂😁. You really are an inspiration to us all. Thankyou. Glo 😘 xx

Thanks, Michael, that certainly made me smile. Hope it does the same for you xx

Love the ATM one. Normal to start feeling down but you will get there.

Try the incomparable Dudley Moore and Peter Cook's take on it.

Search for "Peter Cook & Dudley Moore - the "One-Legged Tarzan" sketch - '89" on youtube

😂😂😂 You're an inspiration Michael xxx

I went to the doctor last week and he said 'I'm sorry to tell you but we're going to have to amputate your leg'. 'I want a second opinion' I replied in shock. 'Alright' said the doctor 'You're ugly as well'.

Take care, you've cheered me up!

Also if you get an eyepatch and budgie, you'll win on talk like a pirate day (19 September )


Hope your jokes cheered you up as much as they did all of us😂 🤞🏽 this coming week is a positive one for you 👍🏼

Only just read your post. Thanks for the laughs and hoping the good days far outway the bad from now on.:=)

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