Hi gang, further to my positive post where l said l am done with the depression, its moved back in with me again and l am so sad. Last year on Nov 5th l was running around Legoland like a gazelle with my two young Grandsons and one of our lovely Sons. l worked as a nursery nurse and had finally found my dream job and boss, in a wonderful day nursery set in converted stables in acres of land including a forest school. Then in December l caught Sepsis from an unknown source which ate my heart, my dreams and completely changed my personality. l am suposed to be grateful because l nearly died twice, physically all tests on AVR, pacemaker and lnr are good. l thought l had got over all the illness in my life after breast cancer twice and a double mastectomy with reconstruction, chemo etc 17 years ago. Still l should be grateful l am here to celebrate Xmas l spent it last year on life support so l am very cross with myself for not being that grateful and feeling hard done by, grieving once again for the life l had and how it has changed. Sorry to moan but any advice getting rid of the bl***y black cloud above my head would be so appreciated. l know l am speaking to some of you who have walked a mile or more in my shoes! Take care Sue,xxx
Cross with myself!: Hi gang, further to... - British Heart Fou...
Cross with myself!
Hi Sue,
Really sorry to see this - but I'd just like to start by saying that you shouldn't beat yourself up about feeling sad. Depression is a horrible, difficult and complex thing, and as much as we all wish it'd be as simple as saying "I shouldn't be depressed!" it never is.
I think talking about it is a great start, whether that's on here (we're always available to chat or listen), with friends and family, or with a professional. Sometimes just being able to voice how you're feeling without fear of judgement is a big help.
I've had a look at our magazine, Heart Matters, as I know our team have done a lot of work around dealing with depression (as it's sadly so common). This article might be helpful for you; there's a good overview of different kinds of support available if you need it: bhf.org.uk/heart-matters-ma...
If you need it, there's always our Heart Helpline too. You can chat things through with our fantastic team of cardiac nurses and maybe talk about some next steps: bhf.org.uk/heart-health/how...
Hope that helps a little - please don't be a stranger! As I said we're always here for you if you need some friendly ears or shoulders 
Take care,
Jo
Hi Jo, thanks for your reply, l know l am my own worst enemy but l dont want to keep reliving my 92 days in hospital. l thought l was dealing with the flashbacks and had conquered the depression. l will take on board your suggestions and decide what to do. Thank you for being so kind! Take care Sue.
Hi Sue I too have suffered with depression after my AVR and also feel that my personality has changed, a few weeks ago I thought I’d turned a corner and was feeling semi normal again when I caught this cold virus and the grey cloud came back to hang over me. Last week I started rehab and told them about how I feel, they seem to think I have post traumatic stress . A lot has happened in this last year, death, stress of selling a house and it falling through 4 times then moving, my husband being off with injury caused at work last Xmas eve, he only went back 2 wks ago. In Feb I had an operation on my Achilles off work for 3months ,started to get back to normal to end up having open heart surgery, totally out of the blue had no idea I had a heart problem. I return to work tomorrow hoping that normal life will resume 😂
Rehab told me about NHS service called Step2wellbeing
you can get your doctor to do a referral
or you can go on line and do a self referral or phone them. I have an hour telephone appointment on the 23rd Nov booked then will be given appointment to visit nearest clinic. I spoken to someone who’s used them and they were very positive about the therapy.
You have been through a tremendous amount over the years and I think you well may have post traumatic stress more than just depression. Don’t beat yourself up what you have experienced is far more than most people could cope with. I have the greatest respect for you and hope you too can find help to find you again, because you are still out there . Please think about contacting them.i hope the above Info has helped. We are always here Kaz ❤️💕❣️
Thanks so much Kaz, not that l would in a million years wish this on you but it is nice to chat to someone who has been through the same thing. l will go on the site you suggested. You have been through a lot yourself! l hope you get better too. Love Suex
Ahh thanks Sue, glad you found the info useful. After speaking to many who have had major heart surgery, depression is a major factor, the information books you are given do mention
about depression, mood swings
but I don’t think many are prepared for just how bad it can be and I think it should be included a lot more before and post op. Maybe it’s because we see the heart not only as our engine but holder of our emotions and it’s stopped , and when restarted it’s not quite the same.Kaz ❤️💕❣️
Kaz, l`m impressed with your last sentence what wise words!!! and so very true.Thanks, Sue xxx
Hi Sue,
You are not alone, don't think for a moment you are. I have been referred to the NHS Crisis Team, key step is recognising which you clearly do. As Jo has said talking about it helps, go see your GP and see what they can do and offer, and we are here to help as well
take care
Mark
Thanks Mark, l think it could be Post traumatic stress. l love to talk to all you lovely people as it gives my family and friends a rest! Take care, Sue x
Oh, Sue 
Don't be hard on yourself for not feeling the joy/gratitude at the moment, depression is a b*****d and you have been dealt a crappy hand this year. I think you are doing a great job coping with all that has been thrown at you and I am very grateful that you have survived because I think you're ace and I always look forward to reading your posts and comments. This time of year is tricky - colder, darker, more bugs and lots of memorable dates/occasions to dwell on if you are feeling down anyway. Everyone here is rooting for you and I agree with the others when they say you should seek some professional support. You deserve to be happy. Sending lots of love and hugs to you xxx
Hi Laura, thank you honey l too enjoy your posts you are so honest. Today is my middle Grandsons 6th birthday and he woke up in our house with his Brother and his Dad, our youngest Son. It was a lovely start to the day and then everybody left for work. school etc and the depression returned. l have been told l can never work again which makes me feel rather useless. lt sounds stupid but l cried yesterday when l couldn`t find my emery boards and l found myself nearly screaming at the top of my voice "what the f**k else is going to go wrong!" lt was hardly life threatening, also l had a dream that l told my favourite Cousin she had a moustache and she was so cross she never wanted to see me again (she hasn`t got one).Anyway my best friend wants me to stay with her for a few days so l am going tomorrow. Take care ,please read replies to my post there is some kind advice thankfully! Love Sue x.
Sue, you are an amazing woman. You have gone through so much that would have sent many others over the edge, but you can and will get through this - you've done it once. Please do follow the other suggestions and see if you can get help to talk through it, sometimes someone on the outside can be the most help. Have you tried putting post it notes around the house with positive phrases on, good memories etc.
Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
Wendy xx
Hi Wendy thanks for your reply. l will try that but at this moment every note would start with a F*****g so l will hang on a bit.Please read my reply to Laura. Take care Suex
What about "At least I don't have to buy milk every f*****g day!"? 😉 Hope you have a lovely few days with your friend and stay in touch x
Cheers laura you have made me laugh. Thanks Sue x
Hi sorry you feel so low at the moment. I hate this up one minute down the next feeling . Your post made me cry ( tears easily shed today ) but even though you are down you still have your sense of humour deep in side. Your last words made me laugh. Thank you.❤️ hope you feel much better soon xx
Hi Plum, l am feeling a bit better today. Tried to send you a reply earlier but l dont know if you got it. Please read my other replies. l will try and make you laugh again at some point, why do we shed tears so easily it sucks! Take care, Suex
Hi Sue glad you are feeling better . Onwards and upwards. Take care X ps. I was away overnight signal was poor so didn't receive your earlier message
Thanks Plum x
Hi Sue,
I am not surprised to hear that you are feeling depressed after all that you have been through. You have had a shattering life changing time. You can't under estimate what you have been through. Sometimes it is only once you feel physically better that you can allow yourself to start dealing with the Big emotional stuff and start to make sense /process everything that has happened. Since I joined the group a few weeks ago you have sent me some very helpful posts and been an inspiration to me. Now Is going to be the time to let other people care for you. Be good to yourself.
Mary.
Thanks so much for your reply Mary and kind words. My Husband is on his way home now with wine and chocolates, l will have a couple of glasses then stop because truthfully l could drink a vineyard!!! Take care & thanks, Sue x
Cheers to that! I notice you don't mention limiting the intake of chocolates. Quite right! x
Praying
Thank you so much, l think God is a bit bored with me now as the world and his Mother prayed for me to live and it worked thankfully. l believe l was paid back in full for saving the life of a 18 month little boy two years ago who was choking to death at my nursery, it took 3 attempts but l refused to give up and l was very proud of myself when l finally dislodged the food in his windpipe. Some things are destiny, l didn`t feel well that day but l went to work anyway and good job l did because the other member of staff froze when it happened. His parents said they would be eternally grateful which was lovely. Take care .Sue.
That's amazing! I think you are still owed some good karma, hopefully it's delivered soon x
Cheers mate x
Well spotted Laura lol
Read all the replies and you Ladies are doing a great job, oh and Mark.
The Black Dog can walk alongside any of at anytime, and it can be difficult to wear it out, but wearing it out is possible with a little help from friends.
Best Regards
Frank W
Thanks Frank, take care.x
Hi sue sorry to read what you are going through pray all goes well for you .i agree its hard and don't get much help but there are some wonderful people/friends on this board who are all ways helping.
Regards
Abid
Thanks for your reply Abid, l gain great comfort from all you lovely people. Take care. Suex
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