Is time really a healer?

[chloe40]

And what exactly is time, how long before you felt 'healed' if at all?

Chloe<3

[waylay]

I stopped crying multiple times a day after about 6 weeks.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to waylay]

Hello waylay Good to hear from you!

Thank you for post.

Chloe <3

[waylay in reply to chloe40]

Weird question: Can we talk about losses that don't involve death?

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to waylay]

Absolutely waylay

Of course you can, bereavement covers a multitude of losses.

Chloe <3

[GoGo_JoJo]

Time is a "buffer" it puts space between us and the event. Some events are more painful than others so need a much bigger buffer.

There is no easy calculation. I've had events that's took decades to ease and others, very painful but more acceptable and so needed much less time, months, rather than years.

Still, the right, or wrong memory or reminder can feel like a stab in the heart and catch me unaware... Usually I bounce back quicker the bigger the buffer.

Loss is loss waylay , in fact a non death related loss can hurt even more because it just doesn't feel logical for it to be so severe.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

Thank you GoGo_JoJo

You're so right, I have also have some losses that have completely blown me off my perch! and these have taken many years to come to terms with, I've never accepted them but have eventually found a way to live with them. It's a difficult business for sure.

<3

[wallflower_fairy]

It's an interesting question, Chloe. And I don't think the answer is a straight yes or no, it's complicated, and different for everyone.

I read this quote somewhere "Healing isn't a matter of time. It's a matter of opportunity." Which really struck a chord for me.

I think if you haven't had the chance to process the loss then it's still very much in our present, because when something isn't processed it can essentially stay in the short term memory file, rather than be converted to long term memory, that's why when there's trauma people can relive the event like it's happening all over again.

I think when there's been a loss it stay raw for a long time, and a person can stay stuck in the grieving process, if they don't get the opportunity and support they need to work through it. And maybe that's why some people can seem fine straight after a loss and then, apparently out of the blue, they can have a breakdown a year or so down the line.

I think even when people do get the chance to heal, maybe time can help the person learn to live with the loss, or get used to whatever change the absence of the person has caused (e.g. daily routine, family dynamic, change in one's own identity, etc.) and move forward. They may eventually be able to let go of this loss of a vision, if the person went before their time and/or if they were looking forward to doing something with them.

But I don't think you ever stop missing them.

I think, if all else is well (and for many it isn't - for me, in 2012, I suffered a trauma just before I lost 2 people in my family close together and unexpectedly - it wasn't clean - that's not to say you can't heal but you need more support and it'll take longer), it will become more manageable and you can go about your day, but then a song or a reminder will come up and it might momentarily bring you back...

I think in a way, time also has made it harder for me, because I'm moving further away from the object of the loss - life is going on without them. For example, one first big loss I had was my cat when I was 9, and as time went on I realised I was finding it harder to remember her clearly, which made me sad...

With the most recent loss of my dad, I wonder if time will make it somewhat harder too e.g. if I find a boyfriend in the future and I can't introduce them. If we get married he can't walk me down the aisle, etc.

It's a good question.

Thankyou to you and everyone for all your support with regard to the most recent loss of my dad.

Xx

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Thank you for your thoughts wallflower_fairy

You're contribution is so valid, we do all need time and support to process what has happened and if we aren't given that opportunity, it can have far reaching effects.

I can empathise with you about your little friend, the magnitude of emotions and the pain in one's heart for a pet, is vastly underestimated in my opinion and these do indeed have long lasting consequences. Unless you have experienced the sincere love of an animal, you may well feel this doesn't warrant talking about, how wrong is that sentiment?

Chloe <3

[wallflower_fairy in reply to chloe40]

Thankyou so much Chloe,

I completely agree with you there, Chloe, and Hidden

The bond we can have with our pets can be transcendent.

It's so sad when people experience the loss of a pet and don't feel they can talk about it because they fear they won't be taken seriously.

You can get some people, for example people on the autistic spectrum, who find it easier to form a connection with an animal than another human. Some people may feel more understood by, or in sync with, an animal - they also don't judge people.

I'm on the spectrum myself and at the time I lost my cat I'd say she was my best friend. We were very close. I think I was her best friend as well.

She'll be waiting for me, when it's my time, I'm sure.

I'm lucky that I do have other friends now (both of the animal and human variety).

I personally think that the intensity of the grief we experience is connected to the emotional relationship we had with the object of the grief - the sentient being we've lost - as opposed to what species that being is, whether it's a human or another animal.

Obviously, we do have to prepare for the fact that a cat or a dog doesn't tend to live as long as we do; they have a shorter life span, and being prepared for this might help us come to acceptance, but the loss can be just as painful.

Xx

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Thank you wallflower_fairy

I completely agree, one thing I fail to do is be prepared for the loss of pets and have no idea how to do that, which puzzles me

Chloe<3

[Hidden]

Doesn't heal as such but the more distance it creates from your loss it does help ease the pain but doesn't heal as such.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Hidden I value everyone's input

<3

[Hidden]

Its always hard to take is losing a pet no matter what animal it is.

[Greyone]

Sometimes i think that is one of the least annoying things people can say.

I measure my 'time' in terms of anniversaries. Previously i have mentioned a story i was told by someone who heard it from a neighbour about how they saw the passage of the first 3 years. I think there is some truth in that but there are other things such as whether we are reactive and whether the loss was expected or painful.

That is about all i can say for now.

[Sandradsn]

I read this .....'Feelings of sadness,disappointment etc will gradually go away as time passes'.I suppose time takes the edge off the pain but not heal the pain.

My dad died 48 years ago and I miss him still.

I still find anniversaries really hard ,after losing my mum.The next big one is Mothers day.Its been a year and I don't cry as much but missing her is still painful.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Sandradsn I've always thought you can't put a time on healing, I feel it's according to the individual and the relationship, which must differ from person to person and the life you lead.

Yes, I agree there Sandra, we will always miss those we love.

Mothers Day is a difficult one isn't it?

<3

[kenster1 Volunteer]

time does make it more manageable to cope but the pain stays the same when it comes to an occasion like an anniversary or birthday.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to kenster1]

I think manageable is the right word Kenny kenster1 <3