Why is grief so painful when the person ….

[chloe40]

You loved and lost was your Father, who was horrible at times.

He was rather awful actually but still it hurts. Just wondering if anyone else is or has experienced this type of grief?

Chloe

[kenster1 Volunteer]

hi Chloe yeah my relationship with my dad was non existent for 38 year just about but the last 7-8 years just like a normal father-son relationship.i didn`t go down the graveyard yesterday but i did on thursday probably be back down this week any way.its difficult because as yet i haven`t broken down in tears although i have been down.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to kenster1]

Hi Kenny,

It's so strange how our relationships with our parents change over time isn't it.

You're a good son Kenny, no doubt about that! I hope you can fond a way to express your grief rather than keeping it locked up with in, which only causes more problems as I'm sure you know.

Take care my friend.

Chloe <3

[GoGo_JoJo]

I had the same shock when my mother died. Because of the person she was, and all the aggravation over the years I really did think it would just be a relief when she was gone.

It's just not that simple. It's not just the death that hits you, after all, a parent is still a parent, even when a not very good one, it's the end of any possibility for anything to change, or improve. Our inner child is still hoping that Mummy or Daddy will be nice next time. Now, there's no next time 😔

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

HI GoGo_JoJo

It's very hard when we're left with memories we'd rather not have and they worst ones have a tendency to keep popping into my mind, no way of getting rid of those sadly.

Yes, you're right, there is no time for things to change now <3

Chloe <3

[Hidden in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

I had a similar sort of shock when I got told that my abusive father was diagnosed with incurable cancer as I thought I would be glad about this but no I wasn't it was a weird cocktail of emotions I went through and those idiot managers at the toxic job I left last year made things worse than they needed it to be with their uncaring attitude especially begrudging me a couple of hours of unpaid leave which I think was petty and mean but now time has passed I feel it was a favour as it just shows how small and petty they are and I made the right decision in leaving!

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Hidden]

Hi Hidden

Yes, it's amazing just how our emotions can turn our lives upside down, I suppose it's because we cared deeply for the person.

I can still 'hear' the pain in you from your experience and I hope one day it will pass xx

Chloe

[Hidden in reply to chloe40]

I find talking to those who have been through it themselves has helped a lot and also time passing by has helped a lot as well.

Like my friend said about the managers attitudes where there's no sense there's no feeling which is very true!

It wasn't not getting the leave in itself that upset me no it was that they were unfair over it that did!

What I would have done as manager was say yes to a member of staff just for that time but when they came back to make the hours up which I feel is a fair way to do it as in no way would I want someone to be unhappy as its not fair to all involved.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Hidden]

Yes catgirl,

I completely agree and empathise, you've been through an ordeal !

Chloe x

[Hidden in reply to chloe40]

It's always the way isn't it how these horrible things come in the same blow!

Been out this lunchtime for a hot lunchtime walk which I enjoyed!

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Hidden]

It certainly is catgirl.

It's certainly very hot today, so do take care<3

Chloe<3

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Hidden]

yes, these things can certainly shine light on other areas of our lives. I'm bet glad you were able to get away from them. 👍🏻😁

[Hidden in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

I personally feel that tragedy makes you reevaluate your life myself.

It was a hard decision to have made was leaving that job as you don't go doing things like that on a whim and I had tried to make things work there like cutting my hours and changing them but no luck as it was only treating symptoms not the cause of them and was like trying to save a sinking ship when I look back and the only thing I regret about that decision is not doing it sooner but I did the best I could with what I knew at the time which is all you can do really.

[kvolm2016]

so sorry chloe40 for this grief you are dealing. I definitely relate to this as I experienced this with my father's death as well. I think the point GoGo_JoJo makes is so true that in addition to dealing with the physical death of a parent, we do very much grieve the loss of ever having a good relationship. Maybe that is the injured child in us still seeking what we missed out on. It forces us to come to terms with all of this, which is painful emotional work.

I had a chance to get connected with GriefShare and that was helpful for me. You may want to check them out too. Hope you are able to find the peace and healing in all of this!

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to kvolm2016]

Thank you for your post, very kind.

Chloe<3

[Lperica10]

Yes! I had so many ups & downs with my father, including many challenging times when I was taking care of him before he passed away. He could be very difficult to say the least. And throw in alcohol addiction and it was very difficult. Looking back I wish so many things could be different. And no matter how hard it was at times I wish I had more time with him.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Lperica10

Lovely to hear from you!

Sounds as though we have had a very similar experience, so I certainly empathise.

It's extremely difficult when this happens and I think it's more common than I realised.

Sending love

Chloe <3