WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE

[polly1221]

What started out to be a wonderful life with my husband is over for me. We have been through many trials together. We were still as one when we came out of them.

I had a serious car accident in 2015. I was cut out of my car and flown into a trauma hospital unresponsive. My husband was begging and pleading for me to come back . I made it back.

Then about a year after that I went into a severe episode of depression and anxiety. Going through it I wanted to die and trying to figure out how I could do it . Again my husband was there spoon feeding me food. I got down to less than a 100lbs. He sat with me day after day. I was drug resistant and suffered extreme side effects. Taking every drug on the market. Finally got the right one , got up on my feet after a year and was full of energy and life.

2017 I had a relapse and again got in bed and didn’t move. I cried and screamed constantly i told everyone I was dieing and that I loved them. I am still in misery after being put on lamotrigine and Zoloft. Sick all the time. Still was crying and begging to die. I am still trying to get past the side effects. Which are maddening.

The shock came when my husband of 47 years died suddenly right before my eyes before thanksgiving . I don’t understand. I crawled up in a dark room and scream out “WHY”. I’m on a roller coaster. I want to be with him.

I have joined a grief share at a local church. I also have a woman trained in grief and loss. I go once a week. But had to cancel many times because of these reactions to the meds.

I’m sick, mad,shocked,guilty,lonely .. take me . I’m the one that is sick.

So sorry for the long post.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello Polly,

Saying I'm am so very sorry seems inadequate. You've been through such a terrible ordeal and it makes no sense to me and certainly not for you that such things happen {{{hugs}}}.

Seeing a bereavement counsellor is good and I suggest you ask if they are able to visit you if you are not well enough to go.

You're going to need lots of time and you can only work through this day by day.

May I also suggest that you ask your doctor to refer you for therapy as you are clearly traumatised by events. You could also look for a US based support team. I will check out what I can here but they won't be applicable to you. We do have resources on the front page that you may want to look at to get an idea of what to look for.

Take care and remember, were are always here for you.

Chloe

[polly1221 in reply to chloe40]

Thank you Chloe,

You are so kind to answer my post.

I will definitely look for US based support teams.

I have 2 grown children and I just can’t give up. Although I want to.

Polly

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to polly1221]

Hi polly1221

You're very welcome Polly.

We're right behind you! all our members have been through very painful situations themselves, so you will always find someone here to talk things over with.

Take good care of yourself (((hugs)))

Chloe

[Hidden]

Hello polly1221

First of all may I say how sorry I am to hear about the loss of your dear husband.

Your feelings and emotions will probably be all over the place as you begin to try to make sense of all that has happened. The feelings you describe are perfectly understandable and I remember feeling the same when I lost my partner four years ago. I am glad you are receiving some support, that is so important.

At the moment Polly1221 try to take one day at a time. Take small steps and try to be kind to yourself. Reach out whenever you need to talk whether that be with family, good friends, helplines or online. We are also here to support you too. Thinking of you, take care,

Lottie