High masking to my detriment

[DonQuixote]

I'm high masking, to the point where you'd think I'm the most confident person in the room. I do this right up to the point that I can't, then I have a meltdown and end up sobbing on the floor like a child. I feel out of place among autistics because I present as very loud, almost ADHD like. But ADHD people drive me crazy as I need predictability and routine. Neuro typical people think I'm weird. Anyone else feeling like you don't even fit in among other autistics?

[Tronsformer]

welcome to the club! I feel ashamed when I declare my autism and when seemingly asking for help or being vulnerable, mainly because I ‘look’ like I don’t need it. And it throws off others. Also I get that crash after a period of ‘confidence’ but Inunderstand now that its just my brain tired. Masking is taxing and its important to let yourself and your brain get back to a base level.

I also can feel non-autistic amongst neuro diverse people, mainly due to my autism rooted in my imposter syndrome. And this just confuses me more than anything especially my life and experiences are VERY autistic.

But slowly I’m learning that we’re just this branch of autism manifestation, and it may be a less obvious one, like green eyes, rare but they’re still eyes! Also I’ve attended talks by professionals who better explain autism outside of the quick headlines/articles and TL;DR I’ve got most if my info from. And simply the way your brain opts to present your condition can always go to both extremes if it feels/learnt it is the best way to handle that situation.

a meltodown for example can be very visible and aggressive, to others its a complete shutdown or internalised but the cause is the same. And Masking is the same I’ve found, I just need to keep conversing with myself to reason with it and work on it.

I’ve only been aware of my autism for a few years now, so my experience of it is still new even though I’ve had it close to 40Years so still plenty to learn and I’m probably very very mistaken.

[Nat107 in reply to Tronsformer]

Hi did it take long time to get diagnosed please, how long was your assessed for please

[Tronsformer in reply to Nat107]

It took 2years from the moment I asked for a referral to being told about the diagnosis. It was 3 steps, first asking the gp for referral took about a week to get an appointment

Being contacted by the relevant department at the first stage of assessment took around 2months.

For diagnosis It took around 2years for another assemessment and then a week for diagnosis confirmation.

For my child they were given a 3year wait after referral process and still waiting.

If i had gone private it would’ve cost me over £3000 but would’ve got answer in 6-9 months or less (but also £3k out of pocket no matter how the decision went.

About a year in to my wait I simply started applying the advice and guidance for ASD that I was reading online and at conventions because the wait was agonising I had no updates and vague answers only (because they were so busy they couldnt give a date). So when the diagnosis came I knew where I struggled and was working in it.

[Nat107 in reply to Tronsformer]

Thank you for reply, can I ask how long was the final assessment for, was it very stressful lots of Q & A’s, sounds quite daunting to go through, I hope you child isn’t waiting much longer so to receive the support they need

[Tronsformer in reply to Nat107]

I had mine over video call as it couldn't be done in person. It lasted about an hour and a half and was very question based but pretty much similar to all the previous questionnaires etc that I had to fill in at earlier stages but a bit more specific and wanted elaboration, not to test me but to understand how things affected me. For example If I don’t like being around strangers they wanted to know how that manifests, ie mood, or behaviours etc.

I got the decision the same week via phone call.

I was able to ask what they look for and in typical autism fashion try and understand the mechanics of it, like at what moment do they determine but in a nutshell they have to confer amongst multiple professionals to see of they all align with diagnosis and iron out where they are not to ensure there is no bias in the diagnosis and it is properly done so getting as much info is ideal. So in my case based on the info I already provided and any referrals they got about me (in my case from family). They had a clear enough picture already before the final assessment and then during that it confirmed their initial assessment. Incan imagine for other people and circumstances its more difficult.

It was stressful but not the questions themselves it was actually casual and relaxed, the stress was more internal and aware of what it is going on and how impactful it could be on my identity and life. I was also told that they paid attention to (but not assessed) my mannerisms and how I answered things which aligned with ASD so rest assured they are looking at the whole picture and less on the Q&A which is what I thought it all hinged on.

With all that said it was very emotional and I went into a depressed spiral shortly after but that was compounded by other factors in my life. But for me diagnosis was something I needed to go through for my own closure.

[Nat107 in reply to Tronsformer]

Thank you I think you described the ending perfectly, diagnose brought closure and confirmation, I have heard face2face apointment lasts for 4 hours which must be gruelling

[Amiwrong]

hi. I like Tronsformer’s reply. I am level 3 autistic, and I also find I don’t fit in. I am still trying to find myself, my true self, because I became a pro at masking at an early age. I get confused about who I am and I don’t think I’m aware that my authentic self is more like other autistic people than I realize. I wonder as well, that others more like me are also hidden behind their masking and so I wouldn’t really be aware of them. Because of this I would only be able to see autism in people where it may be more obvious. I’m not sure if this makes sense or not.

On the flip side I am definitely weird around neurotypical people, when I unmask, even just a little lol.

I often find my mind in turmoil between the asd and adhd, conflicting, as they are opposing behaviours.

Yes, I can relate lol

[Nat107 in reply to Amiwrong]

Hi are you in Uk please, just wondering how they define the levels, like you are level 3, I no they dropped the spectrum and you basically are or not autistic even if traits aren’t revealing with masking, did the one assessment bring the dual reveal of ASD & Adhd please

[Amiwrong in reply to Nat107]

I am in Canada and that is often how the results are indicated.

You have to meet certain criteria, like a check list, and so that is why it is helpful to uncover, or discover the masking. For example, someone may have learned, or been told, not to “obsess over certain things” and so you may suppress any urge to spend too much time on a certain topic. In this case it would be hard for a person to say “yes, I tend to have special interests where I obsess over a particular subject”. I’m no expert, this is just my personal experiences and thoughts.

I did my adhd test separately a couple of years before the ASD assessment. In Canada they are separate tests, though they do offer full assessments where they do several tests to reveal intellectual and psychological abilities/disabilities. These are called Psychoeducational Assessments. These can take up to 8 or more hours to complete.

[Nat107 in reply to Amiwrong]

Thank you very much for your reply I think it may be different in the uk and wait time is also long, it all sounds very stressful