I have gone all my life masking, just copying what others do. As I have gotten older I am finding it harder to mask which I don't understand as I thought things would be easier the more you do it? I'm mid 30's and at a loss. I see everyone talking at work and hanging out with each other while I'm left alone, I have no friends, my family don't understand me, and my husband asks me what is wrong as I have been different over the past week or so.
I just don't know how to process anything, I just want to be normal...
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Redgreenblue
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Masking is something that’s part of being autistic, I do it, without noticing… till I couldn’t keep up… also round my mid thirties, guess that’s when you realize you have to act grown, not knowing what that is…
Since my diagnosis I kind of had to accept that i’m different - actually need to be alone and recharge. When I have the energy I mask, when I’m around others I mask… but eventually it’s exhausting and now that I know, I tell people about my situation, but they will never understand and create difficulties… cause they like to talk about things, while I don’t… I haven’t changed, they just didn’t notice the masking part, and when I’m unable to mask, things get harder for me… because I cannot explain what’s “wrong”…
I just don't know how to communicate it to my husband and family as it makes me feel like a fraud. I have essentially been someone I'm not to fit in and to not be that person will things change? I don't know....
You’re not a fraud, it’s just the things we have to deal with. It’s all about yourself and the things you need, instead of what others think is best for you.
I’ve tried to explain my condition to my partner, but he still doesn’t understand, even if he wants to. But it’s the only way to get some understanding… so try to explain to your husband what autism is to you, what you need and why you are feeling this way. Are you still seeing a mental health professional?
I actually just spoke with him last night about it, I don't know if he understands? he is not leaving so that's good. I don't see anyone at the moment, I used to when I lived in London but it was short lived as they wanted me to travel across London for sessions, currently in a waiting process for my referral to go through to the mental health team where i am now in the north east. I was told the waits are very long.
I’ve found with masking is it becomes more of a task when we’re out in the adult world because of the way it all functions. For example i’m a teacher and I find it hard sometimes to put on the face for my students, or deal with commutes etc.
It might be that you’ve reached a point with masking where you’ve got a bit burnt out from putting up the mask and the effort of keeping it up? Is there a place where you feel like you can just be you?
Perhaps it could also be worth having a chat with your husband about how you’re feeling, to help you get some of your feelings into words which can be a release in itself
home is the safe place, I work in nhs and 1 year ago I moved departments and where I am now is a very sociable environment, I think this is what has brought everything up, I thought it might help but at the moment its just causing me a lot of distress. I chatted with my husband last night coincidentally and I think he understands
yep, been through this and still going through this but I think I’m getting better, just simply from being aware of it. That negative pathetic feeling I get when I realise it happens or after a day of doing it settles down still gnaws at me. But if its oart of who I am I need to get used to it is my take on it.
And speaking of takes, I feel that for us masking ‘hurts’ more be cause it implies we’re not being ‘real’ or hiding. i got diagnosed late 30’s and the concept of masking alone was baffling. And a combination of not understanding and assuming it meant I was a fraud all this time was not healthy for me looking back. But for those who class as normal, who can do all the socialising at work etc, they do it too, but it doesn’t get to them the way it does to us, which is my current conclusion on the matter. I have spoken to many people like this over the years and found it baffling when they said they hated these scenarios yet seemingly excel in these environments. Ultimately they are masking and doing it without the emotional cost we get and thats the difference. We all have a phone voice, which is also masking, but we do it because its usually the most efficient way to handle that scenario or get what we need done. I’m usually considered professional and a great communicator at work, which is ironic as I fall apart in social settings and go super reserved. Its just that I know the ins&outs of work so I know whats needed and the results are predictable. Social situations, a different story.
Its has helped me recently to be open my social anxieties, not massively but still helpful. Some folks won’t bat an eyelid, others will be more understanding. And I wouldn’t take it to hear too much about your experiences with your Husband. Treat it like a journey as it takes for time to a) come to terms with it b) and to understand it. With my partner it was the same. Its taken 2 years for them to finally see where I’m coming from but we still are not on the same page. Focusing on what is difficult and if possible ‘why’ it is difficult is a great starting point it will help you both. And its great your shared your story here. As the validation you get from others in the community is also welcome because often in our own spaces no one gets us. And using the community as a reference i that ‘look others are going through it too’ can help those who are are trying make us understand. But unlike things that are visual obvious and directly treatable, its always going to about discovery and learning for those affected. I hate that it is this way but also taken it as gospel and living my life this way. So far I think it is working.
I’m 33 and was diagnosed last year with ADHD and was advised to seek an assessment for ASD. Since then, I’ve been doing a lot of research into these conditions and their traits etc. and it blew my mind when I realised how I’ve basically spent my whole life masking! Since this realisation, I’ve made a conscious effort to try and de-mask… but have found it difficult due to not really knowing who I am without the mask! Plus people that know me, feel like when I’m not masking that I’m actually putting on an act and this is incredibly distressing. However, over time, I too have found it difficult to actually do some of the masking that I used to. People perceive me as this outgoing, bubbly and friendly person - I am friendly (I hope) but I’m extremely introverted and actually can’t stand socialising and find small talk incredibly tedious. Its EXHAUSTING! And I feel like I just don’t have the energy to pretend anymore.
My partner sort of understands… to a point. His family however, I have recently found out have said I have become very quiet and miserable. This has really thrown me. I really struggle when I go round to his parents house because his little sister is just a complete nightmare (spoilt brat) and I find her behaviour really overwhelming. His mum and dad are always arguing (I can’t deal with confrontation) and the atmosphere is awfully stressful and negative. This massively impacts me because I find I am a super sensitive person and I am easily effected by others emotions. The only way I can cope in this situation is to withdraw and just go into my own world to escape. However, I’ve now found out that when I do this, they’ve been judging me and they all think I’m boring and miserable. They are aware of my diagnoses and likely ASD. Considering my partners sister is supposedly on the spectrum you’d think they’d be more understanding…. But because I am nothing like her, they think Ive been misdiagnosed and use it as an excuse.
This development has made life particularly hard at the moment as we were supposed to be going to theirs for Christmas… needless to say, I would rather stick hot pins in my eyeballs now.
Anyway, sorry - completely rambled there.
I just wanted to say - I get it. I really do! Life’s hard enough and it hurts a bit when you feel like the people who should know you best, don’t really understand you properly. It can feel very lonely but that’s why I wanted to say that I see you. I’m here if you ever need to vent/chat! (As long as it’s not small talk about the weather 😅)
Its good to hear from you, situation not so good but its comforting to know when others are in similar situations. I have family coming over from Australia for Christmas its been talked about for months and every time they do I just want to hide, I have already warned my mam I will try but I cannot say for sure if I will be able to cope. I just had to be honest and say I'm not putting pressure on myself to do things that make me uncomfortable or that will make potentially have a panic attack etc. there's 9 of them coming over including 4 kids..... and I have not seen them in over 10 years so they are complete strangers to me now.
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I feel like I’m living a lie. 
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