Too good at masking

[redmama2]

What do you do when you have someone close to you who doubts or even completely disregards your autism diagnosis? I recently got up the courage to admit to my boyfriend that I was on the spectrum and he looked at me for a second and then said, "Naaah. I don't see it, I think you're fine." My parents also said much the same thing when I told them (I got my diagnosis as an adult). It hurts and feels incredibly invalidating. I want the understanding but I also don't want to have to go into the embarrassing details of how autism impacts me so that they understand.

[Tronsformer]

Hi,

As much of a rejection it feels it might be best to give it time at let it sink in.

I had the same reactions when I told those closest to. Out of 4 people only one was mature/understanding enough to ask considered questions as to what les to me seeking diagnosis etc so they in turn could process it.

The rest dismissed it or were in denial which is interesting if I look at it from a distance, but not when its my nearest and dearest.

We live in an age of hot-takes and immediate judgment rather than look at things closely in a considered way.

Buuut over the last year or so which is when I revealed my autism (though i’m still awaiting full diagnosis aka the piece of paper that qualifies it). My wife and others have slowly realised or seen it for themselves. Which is basically because they were totally unaware of what it is thus had no reference point.

Even to myself when I scored high on the initial questionnaire I was in denial. Because I never passed as or matched what the autistic description is in the public sphere.

Also for my parents, its got to be tough for them as that means they missed it when I was a child but they did everything and more they so that in itself is personal to them.

And for you I’m sure they’ll warm to it and understand in time. Its a one step at time, with a lot to process. I’m sure it wasa very emotional and confusing (also sobering) time personally getting diagnosed as an adult. So they’ll probably go through the same thing and for me. Talk it through with them if possible. Ask why they think you are not. Or the key moments in your life that led you to a diagnosis. But equally in a way where its not uncomfortable for you.

Whether you like the answer or not the conversation alone will be very healing in a weird kind of way.

For me its solidified realtionships and showed me the true face of others. But autism is something we’re born with so you’re still the same person they’ve always know, you just know yourself better now.

[Mybestfriends]

Good answer from Tansformer.My Son has Autistic Spectrum Diagnosed fully now at aged 30yrs old, that's from 3yrs ago now aged 33yrs. We did knew from Baby there was something & sort asking Child Development, they said he seemed to be ADHD, Development Dyspraxia with Autistic Traits . He was aged 8 yrs old. When the Dr wrote this down we thought that was it & just told School & relatives that we were in constant contact with etc. We didn't get Any direction or or know Son needed Full Diagnosis back in 1997. So feel pretty let down on info & what next, or that Son could of had So much more Support, in School or even Autism Education School. My person advice to You would be, to show your Diagnosis & any info about Autistic Spectrum, Unmasking etc. Then just say, if you love me, then please educate yourselves, as this will help me knowing I can truly be myself & that they Support you. So Glad you have finally got your Diagnosis & can move forward on your journey of self discovery. You will have good skills that come naturally & Music, helps all of course. Warm Hugs to you, i Hope that your Boyfriend & Family, want to learn about the ASD once they believe you & be Supportive too.

[Honey52]

Do you think that by telling them you’re on the spectrum that they should treat you differently? Unfortunately you can’t demand understanding. If you don’t like their responses it is your responsibility to take control of your life and educate them or dump them.

Autism is a personality type with a lot of strengths. It sounds like you see autism as a weakness and maybe your family don’t.

[redmama2 in reply to Honey52]

I don’t see it as a weakness and I don’t expect them to treat me differently. It’s just upsetting that they completely disregard something that’s a fundamental part of who I am and could help them understand me better. I feel stupid trying to educate them when they still don’t get it and roll their eyes every time I bring it up. It also gives me self-doubt about my diagnosis even though I’ve been working towards figuring it out for years. You can’t dump your family?

[hbanana23]

This is actually what puts me off getting diagnosed as I get this response with my other conditions anyway.

I think all you can do sometimes is just try to educate. I've also made the difficult decision to keep some people at arm's length if they're not going to give me the support I need.