Tips needed! | Conversating W/Neurodivergence - How do you conversate?

[IneptRamble]

On the spectrum, we have a hard time understanding or reading social ques. My main problem with communication from what I believe is not knowing (when and if) I should say something. I say this because often-times my post or messages are overlooked in a lot of places. Then what usually follows is I get confused, or begin to feel sad about maybe "not being engaging enough," or "maybe I rambled on to much." - basically I over-analyze things and it generates me anxiety.

Take for instance, a scenario that occurs often in a lot of communication servers.

`(An open chatroom with "several people typing.")`

`Me: (Either; hi) or (*sharing a message that relates to the conversation*)`

`Chat: (often overlooks these messages, and continues talking amongst themselves.) `

From what I've observed, maybe it would help if I focus on a single individual in the room? - Asking them a question directly within the chatroom. Following up with more questions around that subtopic and then later (potentially engaging) others in the conversation as well? - let me know what you think of that.

And feel free to send tips my way!

I currently am working with a therapist and physiatrist so this doesn't substitute anything, but general tips from the electronically literate population are appreciated.

[Bee-bop]

Hi there,

Chat rooms can be really hard to navigate for the reasons you state: people not responding or worse responding in a way that increases anxiety! My daughter had this issue and it was very sad and she had to step away from social media as it bothered her that much. It was linked to a game she played and she believed that everyone was there to make friends but, the level of drama was too much. There was so much meanness, drama and confusion. She would, like you, often be ignored as well. Me saying it was not her fault and that there was too much drama didn't help but, I saw it that a few of the other members were not doing ok themselves and so were saying things that caused distress so, not a group that was helping my daughter "have fun" (or learn social etiquette)which is why she joined the group.

I know it is hard to not feel somehow something you are doing is the cause but, it could be that the other folks are struggling in different ways of not communicating well, if that makes sense.

[IneptRamble in reply to Bee-bop]

Thank you for sharing your daughters experiences, someone like her existing in this somewhat odd world makes me feel like I'm not alone. I agree with a lot of chatrooms being toxic, mean, full of drama and causing confusion. I think your theory about people struggling in different ways is totally valid, it might've been that people can't retain a conversation so they don't enter one. Or if you wanna go far fetched about it, maybe they have low self esteem and are busy seeking other peoples attention, or they might be self absorbed.

I appreciate your reply, I hope your daughter is doing better because I know those experiences aren't easy to cope with.

[Bee-bop in reply to IneptRamble]

Hi there,

Yes, I think it is one of the hardest things to learn that others aren't always coming from the same place as in how they reply or don't reply. The only trouble is it can still make you feel sad when this happens.

She is doing a lot better as she just came straight off social media. This meant that "all" her contacts were severed at that point but a couple of years later she messaged a couple of them to apologise. She does still find communicating with others hard sometimes though I think she learnt to protect herself from things that are overwhelming online and in real life.

I used to be on a penpal site where it was less drama filled but, I am older and maybe that is a reason? It is a tough one to find people who communicate in ways that feel ok sometimes.

[Alana13]

Hi there, thank you for sharing.

Completely agree with you and Bee-bop that it can be quite difficult to navigate chat rooms. The sad thing is though, that oftentimes when others ignore our efforts to engage, that we think straight away, I should have done this or shouldn’t have done that and find the faults with us, and get discouraged to try again. It is not always down to us doing something wrong. In any scenario when communicating with others, the greatest skill is being able to listen to what others have to say, and give space, so everyone has a chance to be heard. I find oftentimes these days this is just not happening in a lot of places and only those who are the loudest will be heard. However, please don’t stop trying and believe that what you have to say and feel has value and deserves a chance to be heard. Have to tried any local groups or meet-ups?

[IneptRamble]

Thank you for your reply! I agree with Bee-Bop as well!

I can relate with that, I often think of things I should and shouldn't have done after being ignored. But it's great to hear from you that "It is not always down to us doing something wrong." I appreciate the skills you shared that are effective for communication, "space and active listening." I think that is unfortunately true that only the loudest are heard. While there may be a lot of psychological proven methods to communicate, lately it's people with the most obnoxious voices that get heard, and sometimes banned from servers haha.

To answer your question, I did, but unfortunately my local church only has a women's club and my town is fairly rural and isolated.

[Tronsformer]

Hey, I have always and will always struggle with this I’ve realised, but I have found a few ways that reduce friction for me. I work in a field where all communication is 99% electronic and mostly on tools where it can get very noisy.

I find, focusing on a topic and conversing with one person helps. Particulalry if you are answering something they seek answers on.

Consider your reasons for chatting, do you have questions, want to answer them for others, just to connect with others or share or even impress your opinion. I’ve noticed that there are a number of ways people will answer or respond to a very general question and it is often based on what their initial intention is. So if you are there to say share knowledge and help, it might be that that will be seen but not responded to. If you are trying to seek answers. Then you might find a question you post will get more engagement. But always consider the purpose of the chatroom or setting first. For example a sport chat will be full of wild hot takes and nonsense. Yet one talking about the James Webb telescope might be different. As is here, health unlocked is very different to pretty much elsewhere.

Now kind of like you’ve already you can see that I’m prone to long winded answers. Again depends on the setting and who you’re talking with but the more concise and shorter you can be, will likely help. But don’t worry if you can’t help it. i’ve found myself spending an entire day working on an a response to get it down to a few lines. Practice will help .

Personally I can’t stand self-help stuff but some books out there are more specific with communicating and it might be worth exploring it from a studying angle and try and train your brain.

Easier said then done, but try and not let it get to you. I know all too well how online communication can affect your mood and wellbeing and stress levels. Especially when you reply or respond in a considered and well explained way, only for the other party to respond bluntly and in a way that appears they didn’t even read what I has already sent. It all depends on the circumstances, its worse when its a job or something that directly affects your life vs something more casual.

Another thing to try is CBT. I have no go to tips for this, but most of my ‘survival techniques’ have come from being directly exposed to them and having to figure things out for myself, which is kind of what CBT is but more targeted and less stresful. i wish I was aware of it much earlier in my life.

Final thought, consider time away from chatting online etc. Nothing wild, say one weekend a month and take it from there.