I have autism, and so do my two married friends. We used to have fun together, but I've been feeling frustrated with this friendship for a while. Last time I spent with the wife (who is the one I talk to more), I drove half an hour to pick her up, took her out for a very expensive meal (she has no money), and drove her back, and the whole time, it was kind of a little tense for me. I think it was tense for her too.
There are times when I've said the wrong thing and she's exploded at me. Then she says things that irritate ME, and I'm expected to just be cool with it. Lately if she says something I don't like, I just change the subject, and she picked up on me not wanting to talk about certain subjects, so she's more cautious with me than normal. So we had some stilted conversation, with one very annoying disagreement in the middle, and as I pulled up to her place she was pulling on the door handle before I even parked (the door was locked) and once I parked she got out and just left, no goodbye or anything. We've never parted ways like that before.
As I was driving home, I thought, why am I still hanging out with this person. All I get is aggravation. Before I went to bed I saw she "liked" an Instagram post, so even when she abruptly leaves for whatever reason, well, I guess if she was mad she got over it. No communication until a week later, when she texts me about something. I deleted it without reading it (the subject was unrelated to anything that day). I've thought about it and this friendship has run its course.
This is where it gets awkward. I'm not going to say anything unless I'm asked. She might and she might not. She doesn't take criticism well. Should I unfollow the two of them on Instagram or should I not bother? I never know how to handle these things.
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Just picking up some things in your text that I would like to gently challenge. You say when she irritates you you are 'expected to be cool with it' - could you say how you feel in a measured way, not 'exploding' but talking about it. Changing the subject is a passive aggressive reaction, which is hurtful to the other person, so that is your equivalent of 'exploding' and neither will help you together. She might be wondering what is something that can be said that is not ignored and you are wondering what can be said that does not bring an explosion. I would stop 'expensive meals' ie reduce the investment, and instead invest in the relationship - if you decide it's worth fighting for. Do your friends not deserve knowing how you feel. Unfollowing is rather aggressive without any explanation; it's very abrupt. You say you're not going to say anything unless asked - which puts you in a very passive position. As hard as it is, speaking to them how you are feeling may help turn the relationship around or end it 'nicely'. I found 'Living Non-violent Communication' by Marshall Rosenberg a helpful book that goes into detail about this sort of thing. Hope this is of some help, Nikki
You're right, that was passive-aggressive. I have tried to gently push back when she's said things I didn't like before, and that's when she's gotten defensive and blasted me. I have my own issues, such as a pathological fear of confrontation, so because she's done that in response to things I've said (she did, once out of the blue, apologize for being harsh with me, saying she forgets I have autism too) I know that correcting her is out of the question. So my options are: correct her and get blasted, stay silent and continue to hear her say things that aggravate me, or be passive aggressive and end that line of conversation. None are ideal but that's one reason why I think maybe this friendship is just not good for me.
To be clear, it was a valuable relationship while it lasted, but I can't put up with certain behaviors anymore. This is not the first time I've gotten mad enough to end it, it's the first time I've actually gone out with her and didn't enjoy it at all, and then for her to leave me like that. But you're right, just unfollowing her would be too abrupt.
Do my friends deserve to know how I feel? That's a good question. I never feel free to tell people certain things. And it's hard for me to be straight with people. That never seems to end well. Being autistic myself, I have my own communication challenges, it seems. But I've found that being passive makes other people happy, although I guess if I withdraw too much they never understand why.
So, this problem is not limited to one friend, I guess. But this one friend irritates me too much. I don't know. Maybe I should look up this book. I certainly do need help communicating harsh truths to other people, if they're worth communicating.
Yes you're right it is challenging. And it can be that a friendship has run its course. And it's also true that no one wants toxic friends, so you may be right to call it a day. I think it's worth explaining why you are ending the relationship so it's not left in the air. Your statement of getting 'help communicating harsh truths to other people' is perhaps the issue as it's not, for me, about that. It's about trying to help the other person understand how their words and actions affect me negatively and an invitation for them to adjust knowing that about me. It's keeping the love on while saying how I am affected. That way there is no accusation to the other. The other is not to blame for our feelings and reactions, but if they know how it triggers us, they may choose to change. If they then choose not to, that probably ends things, but they were given a choice and understanding first.
You've given me a lot to think about. Part of it is that I'm not sure she's capable of change. Maybe I should give her a chance, I don't know ... but this is something I need to give more thought to. Thank you!
don’t need to unfollow on instagram but just don’t meet up again. Whatever the social dynamic you had just paid for her meal a thank you and good bye was expected and necessary. She didn’t even follow that up by text. Just let the relationship drift don’t meet up make excuses. Certainly don’t pay for a meal. I think sitting and talking for 2-3 hrs over meal and in car is a big ask unless very good friends with lots of shared interests. Throw in that actually some subjects and topics are taboo for both of you then even NT will struggle.
The alternative is next time make it short and brief ie meet for coffee max an hour, don’t pick her up/ drop off. But you need a break and too feel less sore from this encounter.
Do you always pay (it’s very generous for a friend)? She may be using you. It will be interesting to see if you restrict to coffee meet ups how much she wants to keep it going to.
But hey even NT friendships drift apart and if autism is the only thing you share that isn’t enough for true friendship. I have had really good work friendships that peter out - meet monthly then quarterly then yearly then not all. The common bond of a shared workplace was lost.
She has no money and can't drive, so whenever we get together I do the driving and unless it's something really cheap I pay. In the past I've paid just to have her company, but then when I'd go to her place, and the two of them would eat something in front of me and not offer me anything. Whenever people come over, I was raised to always offer someone something. She told me that Scandinavians (she's part Scandinavian) have get-togethers with no food involved. Other people I've talked to of Scandinavian descent say they at least put out coffee and cookies. It's OK if they don't put out anything, they're poor, but I get offended when they eat something in front of me. They just weren't raised any better I guess ...
There's so much more I could say but I don't want to bore anyone to death around here. Her not letting me sit on her cushions because I would "let the air out" of them (there's no air in these cushions but I know better than to disagree with her, she keeps arguing and doesn't let up), their keeping the front hall light off and me tripping over his boots on my way out the door, little aggravations like that. I've just felt resentful because I'm not made to feel comfortable at their place, and I've gone to so much trouble for them when they've come over, and then when they're around they say stuff that aggravates me more. We have dumb disagreements and, yeah, certain topics have become taboo I guess. We used to be much more in lockstep but things have changed. I think you're right, I should just let it fade out, and Nikki is right about a lot of things too. I'm glad I got some replies to this post. I've been letting all of this take up a lot of headspace last few days and I needed to talk it out.
I certainly won't go out of my way anymore, or pay for anything. I deleted her last text without replying so she might have gotten the message and I won't have to do anything else. I guess I was thinking of unfollowing her on Instagram to hurt her, if I'm honest, but that would be petty. Letting it fade out is the thing to do. It might be passive but I have trouble asserting myself. I hope she doesn't text me again.
The things I would miss kind of aren’t there anymore, I think. I was on the fence about all of this, and wondering if I was doing the right thing, but as I recounted the problems I was having, I realized that this relationship causes me more aggravation than benefit. I don’t even want to have them over because of the resentment I feel. Like Saju says, relationships aren’t forever, most of the time, apart from family.
I think what it’s taken 50 years for me to figure out is, to listen to my own feelings, and not beg for approval from everybody else. Except maybe deep in my mind I know it, but in my heart I don’t. That’s where the fawning and people-pleasing come in for me.
I wonder if having to withdraw from relationships often has to do with being a little bit of a doormat and then having people be inconsiderate to you once too often. It might be kind of a cycle.
Of course being autistic and clueless in my own way, I’ve had people walk away from me too, so I see both sides as well. It’s always painful, but you just have to keep going. I’m trying to learn how to “relationship” even after all these years and it’s still trial and error! And I guess it always will be. But I can give myself the benefit of the doubt. Thanks for validating my irritation at some of the rudeness.
I'm glad I could help you! There will always be new friends around. I'm losing these two, but I've been hanging out with two new(ish) friends lately, and hopefully those friendships will last longer and be more satisfactory. My friends are few and far between, but better a few good friends than many lousy ones. 💚 Learning is a life-long process!
I would keep following them on Instagram. It could very well just be the case that we're still in the stage of adapting to life after marriage, and we cannot just ignore how the friendship went before then. Think of it this way: suppose you were to leave them forever, how would your friendship circle look after that? Trust me, you don't want to go down the path of a loner: just too many thoughts you just want to tell someone about.
They were married before I met them, and I've known them for years. But I should consider before just throwing away a years-long friendship, I get that.
I've been thinking about the good old days when we were good friends. I've only talked about the things that irritate me in this thread. But that's because I've felt resentful and frustrated for a long time, and the good things seem to have disappeared. The friendship has always had problems, as all friendships do. Even when we were getting along the wife would lash out at me if I said the wrong thing. And I learned long ago that if you contradict her you'll never hear the end of it, and if you say something she objects to, she'll bring it up A YEAR LATER and kind of hit you over the head with it, even if you only said it once or twice.
Back then I could put up with it because, speaking of thoughts you have to tell someone, I'd kind of treat her like a therapist, complaining to her about stuff, and would listen to HER drama in return. Except her drama changed (specifically her relationship with her mother) and after that, she'd get mad if I said anything about her mother so I had to drop it. In fact, after years of hearing about how terrible her mother is, she said one day, out of the blue, that she and her mother were going to support her brother and I'd better not say anything about her hanging out with either of them. Just out of the blue. So OK, we start the conversation with her leveling a possible accusation against me and telling me not to start anything. And after that her mother is wonderful and just didn't know what she was doing and blah blah blah. And that was the first imperceptible change, I think.
You're right, I can't be a loner. I have so many thoughts and here I am telling a bunch of strangers on the Internet, LOL. But here's the thing: I can't always tell people my thoughts. They don't want to hear it, sometimes, depending on the subject. That's one reason I've been feeling so alone. There was a subject I used to be able to talk to the husband about, but he had a mental health crisis around it so the wife texted me not to talk about this with him anymore. And it isn't a subject SHE wants to hear about either. The only person I know I can really talk to about this is my pastor, and she's not always savvy either. It's a pretty "niche" subject, sort of. I have one other friend I can talk to, but he's engaged to someone who doesn't want to hear about it. Because it "triggers" her. And I don't talk to him as much as I used to. I've come to accept that there aren't many people you can talk to about this subject, although it's gaining some traction among younger people, I hear.
So yeah, these two used to be pretty supportive, and in return I'd buy them dinner when they came to my house, but something has changed and I can't talk to them like I used to, and I'm feeling resentful when they're around. And this last time ... well, she did thank me (it was "Holiday Tea" at a hotel, and turned out to be too expensive for what it was, IMHO) but our conversations were stilted and she couldn't wait to get away from me when I dropped her off.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to respond to your post with a thesis. I think I'm talking to myself as much as I am talking to you, trying to figure this all out. But I know that as frustrated as I get with other people, being a loner is NOT the way to go. You're absolutely right about that.
There is a popular YouTube video by Purple Ella (16:16 minutes) "Autism & Friendships | Masking, Vulnerability, Autistic Joy" (20 October 2023) which covers a collection of topics around Autism and navigating friendships - including the possibility of potentially being taken advantage of by friends (...in the video; they manage to cover a lot of material (and different perspectives) so I found useful:a) watching the video,
b) then leaving it a few days while I thought about things, and
c) then viewing the video for a second time - to see if the points and potential strategies had the same context - after my having reflected upon things for a while):
I've been taken advantage of by friends before, I guess that's just a rite of passage for us autistic folks. Thank you for the video!
An update: my friend did text me a couple more times, I answered her finally and she gave me one-word answers the first time, after the conversation was over I deleted it -- then she texted me again, much more friendly, sort of inviting herself over to my house, and I told her the last time we were together she didn't even say good-bye to me. She gave me some lame excuses, I corrected her, and she said she was puzzled because she didn't remember that at all. I'm wondering if I'll hear from her again, now that I've confronted her. I wonder if she's telling the truth and she really has no memory of how she left me.
Anyway that video told a lot of truth! And I do find relationships exhausting because I do mask all the time. I've become so accustomed to doing that, I don't even know how to turn it off. The red flags portion is useful too. Unfortunately I've experienced many of those. I think most of us have.
I hope that you will be able to take your time and think over these things - at a pace which suits you - as opposed to the perceived / artificial "schedule" if often prompted by text messages / social media threads.
I find, for myself, if I detect other people are trying to push the pace on acquaintance / friendship arrangements - which (to me) don't quite feel as though they might best suit me / I suspect may not be an equitable arrangement ...that is often my own self-safeguarding prompt; to actually: slow my decision-making / reply down (a bit more than usual). Just to be quite sure (about what might be going on).
After all, if someone knows you well, and respects both your autonomy and feelings, they will be patient with you - until they realise you are then again in a good place (and happy to respond / make your mind up about an arrangement) - or perhaps declining one - if that is what would work best in support of your wellbeing.
I am hoping that; you can be kind to yourself (as our own "self-talk" can sometimes be overly harsh / judgemental in such unsettling experience situations - when, for example, we may indeed not (realistically) be able to know the answer to all the "what if" puzzles of the relationship which may have started to concern us - and when it often really need not be necessary to be so hard on ourselves anyway).
Thank you so much for your kind words! Yes, I have to slow down and do things on my own timetable. People don't always leave you time to do that. It's especially difficult when someone who LIVES with you stomps all over your boundaries (a separate problem, but one that feeds into this one in a way). I appreciate the video and the advice. 🤗
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