please Help with Advice and support

[Calmly]

I am struggling with things as I have issues and find facial recognition is difficult and affects the way I do my job. It’s hard to explain to work colleagues how much of a challenge it is without being treated by some people as being stupid although they have never said it to my face but I can see through their behaviours. I also feel bullied but don’t have to the skills to stand up for myself. I find I make what I think is simple comments which people think of me as being rude which is not my intention. I don’t know how to make them realise I was only joking. My family have said some of my comments are blunt to the point of being rude, especially my texts. I also don’t mix with people as I tend to be very lonely as I feel on edge the whole time. I rather stay at home and do nothing as I tend to mask how I am feeling so by the end of the week I feel exhausted. I know I really struggle with trusting people and as a result are unable to make friends. I also find it a huge challenge going places on my own.

I have done well at work the last two weeks but worry as the person who is bullying me is back on Monday and I know she will take over and my confidence will be back to rock bottom.

If anyone has any ideas to help me cope and stand up to her please let me know. I know this weekend I will worry all weekend and hate going into work on Monday. I try being nice but she ignores me or overrides my decisions which puts me on edge and that’s where I worry about making wrong decisions.

[NotJim]

Hi Calmly,

Sounds like theres a lot going on for you right now. I get where you’re coming from about the difficulties of work, I found my old job very challenging and tiring, especially for the first six months.

If you are worried about the person who you have difficulty with coming back, the worst thing will be to build it up and dwell on it on your mind, because we can’t predict the future and for all we know, she may not bring anything up on Monday. But because we can’t know we’re stuck with the uncertainty which can feel very uncomfortable, no one likes it but we can learn how to respond to it.

If we’re worried our minds can build up the worst case scenarios more and more, which are upsetting to think about and tiring mentally, emotionally and physically, until by the time you reach the day itself, you’re already exhausted before anything has even happened.

Perhaps try to be aware of how much you’re thinking about Monday over the next couple of days. If you find you’re mind keeps going back to it and thinking about it try to consciously take a step away, reminding yourself that whatever Monday may bring is Monday’s thing, Not today’s. Right now, let’s just work with today.

When Monday comes, you could have a couple of potential plans about how to respond to this person.

1. It might turn out you don’t need to speak to them that day, if so you don’t have to. You can keep your distance and hopefully get on with what you need to do.

2. Alternatively, if you do have to speak or interact, keep it light and simple. E.G., “hey hope you had a good weekend,”

If she’s not into that, you don’t have to say anything more.

If she becomes confrontational, it’s best to stay calm (as best you can) stay polite and step away if it’s too much. Sometimes people act up because they want to get a reaction out of someone, or they want attention themselves, or else there’s something going on for them we just don’t know about.

3. And this is the most important one which, if you’re really concerned, should be done first off. If someone or anyone at your place of work is giving you difficulty, making it hard for you to do your job, or making you unhappy then it’s important to take this to whoever is in charge of both of you, e.g., a manager, a supervisor, whoever has seniority.

It is their job to ensure all staff are able to work well, and are doing alright .

It can be kept confidential too - I don’t know your work context but for example if this were an office you can drop them an email, or if it’s a warehouse/shop or similar then ask them if you could have a quiet 1-1 chat with them during a break.

This is where you can then explain, “I’m having real difficulty with this person, i’m struggling to get along with them despite my efforts and it’s worrying me a lot.”

I hope this can help out. Work places can feel difficult, especially with lots of different personalities all together. But with any case of bullying or difficult individuals, the most important thing is to let someone know, exact same as if it were at school.

Try not to let the worry build up over this weekend, keep an eye on what your mind is dwelling on. Its hard to remember because we’re naturally more inclined to think on the negative side but there’s always a flipside to fear which is hope, sometimes things turn out better than we expect.

I would try and have a lovely weekend , doing what helps you feel calm and happy so you’re refreshed for the new week.

Hope things can work out for you and that you can feel happier soon

[Calmly in reply to NotJim]

I have been bullied since childhood and don’t know how to stop it. There is a bullying case with this staff member already and nothing is really being done which doesn’t help. Every time she starts on me it upsets me more. I have been to management and they started formal disciplinary against her but every time I say something she has digs at me saying I’m trying to lose her her job. I get to the stage where it is easier not to say anything. I’ve had a lovely 2 weeks as she hasn’t been in. I make comments that she takes out of context. I also and frightened to say anything so end up bottling it all up and taking on too much as I can’t say no. She ignores me, or orders me about giving me all the jobs she doesn’t want to do or makes comments that don’t need to be made.

[NotJim in reply to Calmly]

It’s best to persist with raising it with management if you can. It’s tough but can be worth it. Bottling it up is easier but can cause more harm than good. I do hope the situation can be resolved for the best

[Bee-bop]

Hi there Calmly,

Does work have an idea of what you need as in "reasonable adjustments" to help you carry out your work? This is a little like some people have on the spectrum at school as a social story or sometimes in the form of an EHCP ? It would say things like " needs extra time to process things" etc. If not, this could be a really handy way to get work to understand about the facial recognition-a known factor for some on the spectrum. My daughter has this to an extent and finds people who look similar impossible to differentiate. She is also "abrupt" which I say instead of blunt or rude which I don't feel fits her way of saying things. I am not on the spectrum but, I am also abrupt sometimes when explaining things so can understand that sometimes I can cause others to feel I am not being nice(I guess) but, it is because my own disability means I don't have the energy to put on the social niceties. If you have something in writing with work, maybe it needs updating so that everybody understands your needs and it means others can feel less guarded. Neuro diversity is just that, a different way of seeing and being in the world and it helps others have insight into that.

Regarding the bullying, it sounds like the other person does not have understanding and therefore cannot see her behaviour as bullying or defensive. As things are ongoing with this person, I think writing down the behaviour could really help if you do not feel you can respond there and then face to face with her. I had an issue with someone a long time ago and we had a sit down with the manager which I felt helped.