Maybe other autists can relate; I have been using my “neurotypical filters” (acting and talking more neurotypical) as a coping mechanism to avoid abuse at school, get and keep jobs, keep relationships and keep the peace in my relationships since I was a kid. I was never good at pretending to be someone else and hide my weird traits, especially since I was undiagnosed until my adult years but It was a survival mechanism. my life was easier when I wasn’t myself or spoke my mind around others.
Unfortunately I have done this so long and with everyone I know, even family and online, I don’t know who I am, im terrified of speaking my mind and my personality and identity is shaped by trying to be more NT and avoiding pain. It was originally a way to survive but now it’s hurting me. I learned I was autistic just last year which was an epiphany moment for me that just helped me make all these connections and make my past make more sense and i’ve been working on learning who I am and trying to be myself more.
I recently decided to start talking and acting more like I want to in my head before it goes through my filters and I figure while the internet can be a harsh place, im anonymous and im not in real danger so im starting online. Im just so tired of pretending to be someone else to avoid getting hurt and keep people around. I still have to use it at work but otherwise Im trying to figure out who I am without fear and anxiety over every thing I say and how it will be perceived and how i’ll be treated for it.
this isn’t to make people feel sad for me, I just feel like this is the only place I can talk about it.
