Exceptional Auditory Skills that torture and tease

[Aurora-auspice]

I will be 48 in a couple of months, am female, and have been diagnosed with Aspergers and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in the last six months after a lifetime of misery, self-loathing and misunderstanding. Being so recently diagnosed and not having a clue before (I was one of those people who understood autism to be something similar to the 'Rain Man' experience)..... I just believed I was 'village idiot' stereotype, you know, the simple, always smiling, do anything for everyone and taken advantage of by all under the guise of being for my own good. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but the wonderful support for this from my doctor and psychologist just made me feel even more of a failure because I couldn't get past the concepts, or overcome debilitating emotional responses and meltdowns.

The problem for me was and is the impossible sense of not knowing how my experiences of the world and life differ from others' after being told throughout my life that I'm too sensitive, too immature, too scatty etc etc. After all every time I tried to explain or question I was told by my Mother from a very early age "that's the same for me, it's the same for everyone just shut up about it otherwise people will think you are stupid"

I have always struggled with touch and sound, The story 'the Princess and the Pea' really resonated with me as a child and I believed I must be a princess because a crease in the crisp white cotton sheets would feel like it was bruising me and cotton flannel sheets created a sort of prickly heat. In my early twenties I went to a hair stylist & had a fringe cut and when it was finished I passed out and as I fled the salon finding a lavatory to hide in I was physically sick and sobbed my heart out. I couldn't understand why and blamed hormones or me just being stupid.

This coping mechanism backfired often but when I was coughing & vomiting blood & getting weaker by the minute, I just dismissed it & attempted to continue chores telling myself that I had a cold and it was just very bad because I had been a smoker. An acquaintance dragged me to the doctor who had me admitted to hospital with a temp of 40 degrees and what turned out to be pneumonia.

Then the time my boss rang me to say he really wanted me to work was I really I'll, I knew my colleagues were probably off sick with hangovers but I'd been vomiting & passing out through the day so refused to drive the 15 miles to work in case I hurt someone. My manager sent someone to pick me up and three quarters of an hour later the water I'd just consumed was in a puddle round my unconscious form. They took me to hospital & it was sun stroke.

However, last night, I had a really good example that gave me a little more insight and understanding:-

I was watching television with an acquaintance, it was rather loud but I could still hear everything around me. A deep throbbing hum sound persisted in my head slowly increasing in volume. I said to the other person, "do you hear that helicopter? Sounds like a chinook! Are they still in service?" He pulled a face shook his head in an irritated way and said "you are just hearing things, don't act so mad!"

I tried to ignore the noise telling myself I was imagining it, it was part of the anxiety etc and A FULL 3 minutes later REALLY! 3 minutes of fighting my senses trying to persuade myself it's all in my head I asked again "are you sure you can't hear a helicopter" he did this sort of smile said yes there was one now then went home he needed to sleep.

These types of incident happen all the time and even without the psychological influence of an insensitive dismissive person putting their opinion forward for me .... The actual experience of hearing something over extreme everyday distractions is like torture ..... A permanent prisoner of the war & interrogation of life events, when a human being uses sound to torture prisoners we call it inhumane but for some it is what our genetics have blessed us with and the price of living in SOCIETY.

I hope this is seen as it is written ..... As a dispassionate observation and revelation of fact as I understand & experience it .... Please do not see this as some sort of 'soap box' statement opinion ..... I know that is hard for NT's

I would love to know if any of this sounds familiar or am I seeing things the wrong way because I used such an emotive issue as comparison because I obviously abhor torture under any guise.

Aurora auspice

[Hidden]

Great blog - thanks for sharing so many personal details about yourself. I know it takes courage!

Welcome to the community

[Aurora-auspice]

Thank you! I appreciate the support. It is difficult but at the same time better than attempting to talk it through because I was better able to stay connected to what I was saying which was an interesting experience. When I talk something through I swing between compulsive gabble that is so divergent it doesn't make much sense to people listening which I think might be a swing toward the ADHD or I bore everyone with excessive detail before I become a bit dissociative sometimes just because I'm focussing so much energy on trying to look right with non-verbal expressions and not say the wrong thing.

I'm really enjoying other blogs on this site and hope to interact more each time I've worked out what I want to say that won't be put in the wrong way and cause offence.

Take care and thanks again for letting me in

Aurora x

[wallflower_fairy]

Hey Aurora,

Reading, your blog, although I have already been diagnosed (when I was 5), I feel as though I can really relate to you.

I can totally empathise with your experiences of being over whelmed by sights, and particularly, sounds. Balloons were the biggest issue for me. It caused lots of problems with family relationships, because no one understood why I become so tense at parties. The truth is, the aftershock of the noise (when they burst, ow just thinking about it makes me want to cover my ears), would make me feel physically sick. As if the frequency would cause my ear drums to vibrate painfully.

Many of the times I was ridiculed, when covering my ears whimpering with sweat pouring down my forehead, trying to resist the urge to whimper - knowing that the chemistry teacher was going to set off mini explosions in the science lab (usually accompanied with a vicious wet flame and the smell of burnt rubber). (Oh how I wish, nowadays, that I'd just been a bit rebellious and walked out - I suppose in the mind of something with ASD, rules were important to at the time) I always said it was a sort of a vague, hard to place, torture, living in my mind, but that I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

I think many fail to understand that the outcome of ASD can be sheer exhaustion. Because while the condition doesn't have the direct symptom of fatigue per se, the stress of living with it can be physically, psychologically, and emotionally draining. But because this isn't listed as a symptom or a 'feature' this is often missed.

I could go on forever, well nearly, I write in much detail like yourself. But the parents are calling for tea.

I hope you are able to get the right plans put in place to get better support or consolation.

Just another point, and I could be wrong, I'm wondering if some of the buzzing you describe could be down to tinnitus, (which may have come as a result of you being exposed to a number of sounds that, to your delicate ears, are harmful). Maybe it's worth mentioning to the GP because there are things they can do to fix it. It might help relieve some of the discomfort you face.

I hope my comment sounds ok.

Take Care and Kindest Regards,

wanderingwallflower xx

[Aurora-auspice in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Dear Fay,

Thank you so much it is such a relief

a) to know others understand the experience because those that don't can be very quick to point out the behavioural faux pas and

b) your comment about the wish to have been a bit rebellious and just walk out of these situations ......

I had to chuckle just a little as it brought to mind an experience making chlorine gas in chemistry at school. Unfortunately the fume cupboard was too small and rarely worked and we were using "Quick fit apparatus" to create the desired equipment but the workbench was too narrow for the string of flasks with rubber bungs and connecting glass tubes so I was given the flask with the chemicals we had mixed to create the gas and another student held the beaker of water to collection at the end of the process. Unfortunately the bungs and flasks were very old, certainly not fit for purpose and chlorine gas began pouring from various points. The tutor shouted for us to cover our face and get to the fire exit and all of them did. We had been told not to let go of the flask creating and beaker collecting the gas because of the danger and we would be liable for the cost of any breakages so the beaker crashed to the floor and gas continued to emanate but I just sat there unable to decide to just let go and get somewhere safe because I had been told not to. The teacher and entire class stood outside the class watching me sit there with my collar over my nose and mouth. When the teacher yelled at me to get out the yelling made it worse and I just could not let go of the flask, I had to compromise twist the entire line of glass wear on the bench then run.

Explosions didn't start until 'A'level thankfully!

It does all leave you feeling utterly exhausted!

I hadn't thought of tinnitus but it is worth asking my doctor thank you for the suggestion.

I desperately want to use those smiley face icons but haven't worked out how to get them on this yet but thank you for your support and making me remember an amusing thing from my past. Hope you have nice tea and evening

Take care and excuse the mistakes here sometimes the harder I try to correct them the more occur. A male acquaintance with Aspergers that I instant message constantly corrects me but my prolific style and speed tends to invite mistakes.

Aurora xxx

[wallflower_fairy]

Sorry I just realised there are some mistakes. Like I expected.

I hope you get the gist anyway. xxxx

[wallflower_fairy]

I'm glad reading my comment has given you some consolation. You're definitely not alone.

The story of your experience in the lab is definitely something that resonates familiarity. I was very rule conscious during my younger years (at large costs), and would have behaved in exactly the same way because it was what I was asked to do. I can certainly remember other children breaking the rules (such as eating in places that said 'No food or drink') because I didn't have as deep as understanding then of the 'unwritten rules'. I took what people said to me face value. I'm sorry that at the time the experience must have cause you distress but it's nice to be able talk about it smiling, I like it when that happens, as it gives the situation a better purpose.

Nowadays I wonder if my 'rule breaking' has gone the other way, I would NEVER harm anyone (I believe I can differentiate between the rules that are worth following) but I think I got sick of all the 'silly', constraints put on me when I was younger, the emotional stress of doing specific things in the day. Attending assembly alone is a classic example, as big crowds got ever more over whelming especially as the anxieties got worse throughout my time at school. I'm so near the end of my schooling now (In the sixthform) the teachers don't say anything. (But I would go with friends, it would be easy to do that as I would be doing the same thing as my friendship group and be able to 'go with the flow', it was just the issue of going on my own and not knowing who to sit next to). Between the years of year 7-10 my punctuality was exemplary (in the 90s percentage wise, sometimes 100%). But I became more terrified of school as the exhaustion of bullying, big crowds, noises, the school bell (and not even having somewhere safe to go during breaktime), took it's tool alongside the burden of being able to get all my homework done on time, to a good standard, which would be difficult for a number of reasons, first and foremost - I couldn't comprehended the idea of schoolwork and home being mixed together, secondly, I worked at a sufficiently slower pace than it seemed everyone else (this was a mixture of 'perfectionism', and the physical action of working more slowly due to the time lag in brain processing information), so sometimes it would take hours, into midnight, and the amount just got over whelming - so my punctuality (sadly during the most important GCSE year) plummeted. This started off when my sister had a 'sick day' with a bad cold. I was shocked as we never had sick days, it was unheard of in our house. But I think somewhere in my subconscious, something clicked that I could become 'ill' and avoid going to school if I really had to. It wasn't the best solution as I felt guilty alot of the time. But the moment of being in the peace and quiet rather than having to deal with the perspiring chaos of running to lessons, was significantly better. And then it was over and I left year 11 feeling disappointed and resentful. My years of mainstream secondary school was nothing how they portrayed it in these American chick-flicks about school years being 'the best years of your life'. This was partly to blame for the fact that I was the 'special needs kid' constantly having a member staff sat next to me despite the ability that my spelling was fine, above average probably, my IQ was at least average, and I could comprehend the lessons perfectly well. The staff knew I had ASD al right, but they didn't know 'me', only my label (just because I had ASD didn't mean I wasn't capable of locating and, going to the loo on my own when I was in year 9 for goodness sake). The system was absolute shambles in my opinion...but anyway,I didn't leave feeling emotional that it was over, just disappointed that I didn't have something nice to look back on. I felt, even more so, that I was on the outside looking in - and came home (perspiring, as usual), with a few jottings and signatures of people who I'm guessing took enough pity on my me to sign my leavers blouse (Mum wanted to put it in my wardrobe to keep as it was 'special' (in a sentimental value type of way), while I was pulled in opposing directions of wanting to chuck it away (quite frankly) as it had perspiration on it (I must have perspired that little more cos of the stress and anxiety), and because, they weren't my friends, half of them bullied/bitched about, they were just people I knew and, quite happily, would never see again (expect I'd see a few of the snooty ones who would stay for sixthform) - coupled with my hoarding of wanting to cling on it (whilst wearing plastic scrubs, mind I had - still have - a 'germ fetish'), I think this tendency - on a psychological level - was the fact that I'd already have some many 'losses' (or more accurately, things I'd missed out on), and I didn't want to lose anything else if I could help it, however much resentment there was there, attached to the things I'd had left. Anyway, there I was, resigned to the fact that my GCSE grades would probably never get my anywhere, and basically dejected. Envious of all the popular, clever girls who would go off to their parties and feel that the past 2years of their GCSE's were worth while, with their colourful futures, and happy lives to look forward to. And that's when it happened, the stress had finally taken it's toll on me and I was getting unexplained aches and pains, among other symptoms, which left me feeling even more isolated and seemed to be getting worse. Then I had to make decisions about higher education, my parents 'pushed' me into sixthform and unfortunately I didn't have the confidence to travel by bus and train to the college everyday. And strangely I got borderline A level standard grades so they let me in - on the condition that I the Creative and Media Diploma (I was interested in this, but the activities were no longer appropriate due to all the pain I was getting) alongside my psychology A level. my confidence was in absolute shatters by then and the teachers clearly didn't have much faith in me to change courses, which I wanted to do. I didn't go into school (or sixthform) that often it was a place attached to toxic memories, which I was so desperately wanted to leave and there I was again, I had almost 'given up' but it was also strongly because, this time round, I genuinely felt poorly. After months of frustrating visits to the doctors, I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a condition of the nervous system which they are yet to find a cure for. Despite this illness, my life finally got on track, and they did eventually let me do more a levels when they finally found out how capable I was. And I'm happy to say that my last couple of years at that school were significantly happier than the first few years as a stressed out, under-age minor. And now I am in my third and final year at sixthform, and - this really is it. I have to say goodbye again. I'm hoping I can end things on a high note but in truth, and you may already know if you've read my blogs, my last year has been incredibly tough and now I am unsure again. I feel like I've had a series of set backs trying to put me back into the place I was 3years ago, but maybe a little bit worse this time. After the stresses of bereavement, betrayal, and suspected PTSD regarding a friend who betrayed my horrendously last September (getting over it), I became very ill with Fibro and I was barely able to function again. I've had counselling, and that's helped. So now all I have to do is hope for the best in these upcoming exams. Hope, that, unlike 3years ago, I get a happy ending this time. Because my first 2 years looked as if that's where I was heading towards...

I must apologise, I seemed to have told you my whole life story, I hope you don't mind. I might put it as a blog so other people can see. xxxx

[wallflower_fairy]

Just realised something. The smileys.

= colon and closed bracket

SEMI colon and closed bracket

= colon and a capital D

= colon and a capital P

= colon and capital O

:/ = colon and a forward slash

= number 8, a dash and a closed bracket.

= colon and open bracket

= colon, apostrophe and open bracket

and finally = colon and x I recently discovered that one, I didn't even realised there was an angry one till just a minute ago (which reminded me to show you the emotions). I wonder how many more there are...

So there are lots of ways to express yourself. Remember though, the emotion short cut has to have spaces in between for it to show otherwise it will only appear like this:

Additionally, if you wave the cursor over the emotions you should be able to see the short cuts used.

Hope this helps.

P.S. sorry AGAIN for mistakes! Haha (((hugs))) xxxx

[wallflower_fairy]

sorry = colon, dash, and a forward slash

[Aurora-auspice in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Thank you really wanted to know how to do those xxx and ooo

[Aurora-auspice in reply to Aurora-auspice]

[Aurora-auspice in reply to Aurora-auspice]

It worked ...... SUCH FUN !!!!!!!!!!!

[wallflower_fairy in reply to Aurora-auspice]

Woo

I can you tell you watch the what-I-call comedy sitcom called Miranda.

(Isn't Gary a hottie!? )

I reply to your below comment now as I have been meaning to, just need to re read it first.

Bare with.

Bare with.

...

Bare with.

xxxx

[Aurora-auspice in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Pooh yes! Excellent sit com! I hope they do another series I want to know which one she chooses hee hee

[Aurora-auspice in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Smileys working all night and not sure how I got it wrong this time lol : )

[Aurora-auspice in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Something still wrong

[Aurora-auspice in reply to wallflower_fairy]

FINALLY LOL

[Aurora-auspice]

Blog is very good idea and please don't apologise. It is a lovely heartfelt account and has been incredibly insightful for me!

One of my biggest regrets or concerns is that I feel if I had known what I was dealing with when I was a child I might have avoided some of the abuse and betrayal perhaps had support to build better coping mechanisms so that at my present stage of life I wouldn't feel so helpless and trapped in a state of inevitability, underachievement and distress.

Reading your experiences show me that this probably would not have been the case because unless you receive the professional help from people who truly know what you are experiencing and how to guide you to find a personal and effective set of coping strategies then it leaves you more isolated frustrated and alienated. I've experienced this a lot myself in both positions being a volunteer and receiving support from mental health services as an adult. Well meaning, extremely kind friendly people who are genuinely compassionate with no personal agenda have been assigned to 'mentor' me with my return to academia but their lack of understanding just forces you into silence and further distress because you don't want to hurt their feelings but when you can't touch a book or someone else's equipment for fear of breaking it and a a perfectionist twist on the belief that anything borrowed must be returned in exactly the same condition it was first given. But you want to scrub it with bleach or can imagine your fingertips and sweat will disintegrate and rot the pages. I know it is irrational but struggle to overcome it.

The problem with exams for me is, I think, centred round the fear of change. On a course I get into a pattern, produce relatively good coursework sometimes exceptional but it depends on the topic by the second year I'm beginning to lapse but finals mean passing and moving on or failing and sort of staying stuck. I also have problem with exams because if I have managed to prepare for them well I get into exam read question and get this starburst of ideas that explode like a firework and I'm trying to grab all of them at once to grasp the entire concept but they just streak away. If I teach someone else the concepts it seems to work but to write it in exam restricted time and stress I can literally see myself doing the exam and my mind marks it as I'm writing it telling me "well that only deserves 2 and needs an example of a brief history or chronological aspect and further depth or unusual experimental or controversial point to be an 8 or 9 but then I can't it's like all the examples, facts and points I know are just haunting me. They are the ghosts of those fireworks burnt on my retinas just memory of their shape and brilliance but no recall of substance. Later I could go and lecture a class on them. So frustrating but I'll master it eventually.

I am so sorry that you are struggling so much at the moment but totally commiserate, I just wish I knew a foolproof way round it to share with you. One of problems is that I can't get motivated and stay focused and stop the overwhelming, meltdown and paralysis I fall into and things that work for others like external goals and rewards just don't work for me. It has to be internal drive. Does that make sense? It's either fascinated me or has meaning or is a form of translation key to life for me ... Or proof or is quantifiable and leads me somewhere.

Do stay in touch please I'm really enjoying your input.

When are your finals I will keep my fingers crossed for you but you will probably surprise yourself with passes again and find that the next stage isn't anywhere near as scary as you think it will be! In fact will probably give you a sense of freedom and hope for a structured and productive,path into later life.

Take care, thinking of you and wishing you the very best of luck in your endeavours xxxxx

[wallflower_fairy]

...Bare with. Back.

Thankyou so much for your encouragement, it's really rewarding to have given you insight. And a comfort to know that my experience hasn't gone to waste. I shall be copying and pasting into a blog after this. You elaborate on it perfectly. There's really nothing else I can add. Except, as I mentioned in my blog, it's a lot easier to be noticed when an individual has what people call (and no Miranda pun even intended) a melt down or an outburst. It's difficult when you're suffering in silence and the teacher's are assuming you're ok, or worse, blaming the individual for any discrepancies in their behaviour (such as not being able to manage the above) rather than finding out what the issue is. I used to frustrate me when teachers used to pretend they could understand when they could not (maybe they had knowledge of the condition and it's features, but never experienced it and assumed the experience and features would be the same for everyone). Not to mention the fact that it's grossly under represented in girls. I'd love to -if it were possible - to commission a television series about children on the milder end of the spectrum, I'm thinking mainstream school students, across the ages, struggling because of their condition to help raise awareness (as the majority of people's understanding of autism is a bit, to quote the above blog, Rain Man to me). There are some delightful individuals in the ASD department who I could imagine them playing themselves. Perhaps I could also do a series which touches upon the issue of the growing number of individuals who have been diagnosed in their later life, as adults. Reading your story has really inspired that idea Aurora.

I can empathise your frustrations with exams - just wanting to do yourself as much justice as you can whilst being constrained by the exam conditions. Personally I think it's a heinous way of measuring someone's intelligence, more like knocking people's confidence by showing them their limitations. With arn't, infact, limitations at all, just differences. I know how frustrating it is when you get some many ideas at once but they just run away with you, the feeling that you are unable do oneself the justice one deserves, or to express the capabilities they truly have is frustrating. As soul destroying as it may feel, I suppose ones needs to do exactly what it 'says on the tin' so to speak and try to put the in-depth ideas to the side for the time being. Try to attune what the mark scheme is going to be - do they allow to use mark schemes for revision? And then learn them and the main points, the 'textbook answers' that everyone takes for granted (if you can master doing what it 'says on the tin' without let your own ideas get involved, it will be much easier. Things will feel better if you know and use all the main points, as oppose to using your own ideas (which I'm sure, nay know, as fantastic) and not doing them the justice they deserve due to the conditions in which you are acquiring them, I hope that makes sense? Think of it, as 'holding on to them' like precious, little gems. The exams are tailored in a straight forward restrictive way, so I guess you would need to plan how to meet up with that without going off an a tangent, which is easy to do. Learn to master exams for what they are, and I'm sure they will become second nature to you. Just a mundane task accessing your general ability, you'll be able to do them with your eyes closed I'm sure - this, I think, is the true test. You could maybe even prepare some modal answers in advance for the potential questions. Get them marked, and keep stabbing away at the answers till they are 100% marks. And THEN learn them before hand. Whichever works.

I understand exactly what you mean about an internal drive. You talk about the over whelming feelings or meltdown and paralysis, firstly which I am totally relate to. The issue here is when you have ASD you are likely to experience anxiety from engaging in certain activities that are more likely to cause you anxiety than 'neuro- typical people'. So I think the external drives that people try to put in place when revising for their exam is less likely to work for us, because the resistance resulting from the ASD is likely to override this motivation. Furthermore, if people do experience anxiety most of this learnt and can be solved via specific therapies, but for us this is harder. As this can include academia work I suppose: As it's harder for us to make our 'heads stop' because of the differences in our neurons (apparently the strands are longer). Once we start to focus in something it's very difficult to stop and it's exhausting, the relentless attention to detail is tormenting. (I'm guessing most neuro typicals would just do an hour or so of studying, assignments and be done with it).

Furthermore, the amygdala, the area of the brain centred around emotion, is larger in the brains of people with autism, so I suppose we are more likely to react more strongly in terms of emotions than people without ASD, again, something no amount of 'rational thinking' can change (in other words, if something is a big deal to us we are predetermined to think or feel that way).

But anyway, there's me going off on a tangent again. I hope this helps to reassure you. The reasons they don't work for you has nothing to do with being 'stubborn' or 'difficult' it's because you have a condition that makes things more challenging for you, a condition that affects more people than one might realise (probably half the adult population still awaiting diagnoses, on a vast scale) so you're not alone. I hope what I've said has been able to give you a little bit of closure. And people, will learn to understand. They HAVE to, awareness is rising now. And never give up hope. : This is your journey Aurora, no one's is ever going to be the same you there needn't to be a reason to worry about your progress/achievements so far. This whole path could lead you into a profound epiphany of insight and exploration into who you are. And you are doing it, putting one foot in the front of the other so to the speak. You are clearly an intelligent, eloquent well spoken woman with compassion and a lot going for you. I can see you really blossoming.

And you're right in what you say, it has to be something we truly want to pursue and that's half the battle. People with ASD, as you probably know, have deeper and more profound interests than people without, so it's easier for them to learn a skill or 'stick at' an interest because of the motivation is there. Again, I think the interest has to be strong enough to override the anxieties and if it's something we truly love, can have a calming effect anyway. But the drive has to be strong enough for us - otherwise we find ourselves caught in a state of conflict which very little neuro typicals have been able to grasp, from the reception I get.

As of this, I suppose, is the subtler side to autism, the side people don't understand. I think the underlying thing we need is: Time. Time to adjust, so that we are able to fully acclimatise our surroundings and THEN show people what we TRULY capable of.

That would be a good way to end this paragraph I'm not done yet. Gosh this is getting long though. I might stop here and start another one..

Bare with.

[wallflower_fairy]

Ok my brain's turned to mush at 9:30 at night so I might have to leave it till tomorrow. I hope what I've already said has helped though and sorry if it doesn't make much sense.

(I was thirsty through the majority of time writing that, but during the process I couldn't possibly 'tear myself away' I just had to keep going as I was in 'full flow'. So, to my Dad's distaste, I had to ask him to bring me up a glass of water whilst in full flow of typing simultaneously, it's that state of conflict all over again isn't it?) xxxx

[Aurora-auspice]

Oh lord it's so true and so well put! Embarrassing as this may be I get so engrossed I barely make it to the lavatory I. Time sometimes just because of this child-like focus and engrossing interest in finishing the thing I'm caught up with! Tonight for no apparent reason is an over energised night so it's after 3 and I can't sleep but I am really tired!

I've been posting on a depression site as have suffered debilitating depression myself and there is a person posting on the site who is in a serious downward spiral so I've been trying to help! But the ADHD side was kicking in and after typing a very long reply I thought I'd submitted it but it just disappeared and the ASD side of me couldn't allow the clumsy super speed mistake to go and redid whole thing.

I think it worked because she had made an appointment with doc and opened up about cutting herself but I'm still new to this form of communication and don"t know how to get help to her in the real world! She really shouldn't be alone at the moment! But I don't know her real name or location. Maybe this is why I'm obsessing and not able to sleep! They say ASD can't empathise but that is such rubbish!!!! Problem is we empathise so deeply as you said that we really feel their pain and distress we don't just show it as a facade! I know people who are so caring and empathetic but they can sleep after counselling or body recovery in local voluntary rescue groups and I don't sleep and get physically ill feeling their pain for weeks! It is not really difficult to understand why we need to withdraw to an Aspie cave as Rudy puts it! Well you wouldn't think it would be that difficult to understand!

I had better try to get some sleep at least go to bed and lie down see if I drift off but it seems unlikely!

Love your post and I am looking forward to the follow up you really can not ramble on enough for me it is all fascinating stuff! So very helpful...... But don't get yourself in trouble with the family over it! I have a pump action flask and bottles of spring water beside me and can't even stop to pour those sometimes I'm glad to hear it is a trait!

I love the idea of the tv series a cross between "'Scrubs' and 'the Big Bang Theory' perhaps in the style of 'Miranda' I think that would be really good, it would be popular with NT's because they'd find it funny but would learn more like that and great for those of my age not diagnosed to get an idea that it not just the way they are there is a name for it and ways to manage the 'symptoms' and with greater awareness we might manage to get better more understanding support tailor made to the individual for the next generation! Of course it might e en get a decent income for you too which would be good

Take care much love and best wishes Aurora. Will be back soon xxx