Morning everyone, hope we are all keeping well. I have previously posted on here about mum, who has severe COPD and SCLC. She has undergone horrendous chemo and finished palliative radiotherapy. Her side effects of radiotherapy have dispersed and she is now feeling a little better. Unfortunately, I have caught her smoking again and vaping. I don't know how long this has been going on for. It's truly devastating.
I know I am not the person who is fighting this horrible disease, caused by the very thing she is doing again. I have never been a smoker, so don't know how it feels. I know it's not about me but being the loved one who has stood by her side throughout this, taking her to appointments, helping at home, you name it. Probably done what any other person would do for their parent.
I suppose I would like to know how to deal with this. Anyone done this ? What further damage will it cause? What can I do?
Its hard to describe really, it's not a pity party and not about me..Can't help how I feel and feels like a knife through the heart.
Any advice, experience of this appreciated.
Thank you for reading.
Paul
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Paulo1976
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Hi Paulo, glad your mum is doing a little better after all her cancer treatment. I feel she thinks she has nothing to lose though so has decided to continue to smoke and vape. Devastating for you of course but it’s what she’s chosen to do. I’ve also never smoked but watched Pete struggle to give up many years ago. It’s really not easy.
I can’t judge your mum or others because smoking is so very addictive but I do feel for you. Have you spoken to her about this? If not can you try? No point in arguing but maybe tell her how you feel too.
Hi Paulo. I would stay very calm and try not to bully your mum into stopping. (As a x-smoker I can tell you that rarely helps)
I think the key is to find out why. Is she fed up? Or is it cravings?
Speaking fro experience these are two things that have tipped me back into smoking, the third one is wanting to feel “normal”
Understanding why will put you in a better position to help guide your mum to stop- that’s another question - does she intend to continue or is she thinking of this as temporary- I know all of my lapses have been temporary.
Praise her on how far she has come, paint a brighter future for her - the progress she can make if she stops and then leave her to think about it.
Sorry you've now got this to deal with. You're such a caring son. My father never managed to give up smoking completely after he was diagnosed with emphysema. He cut down quite a bit and gave up inhaling, which was not so great for anyone in the same room, unless they liked living in a blue fug. Parents are not easy to manage. Our best moment was when my brother found father peacefully smoking and dropping fag ash on the oxygen cylinder next to his chair. 'Do you want to be the first geriatric in space?' asked Derek. All you can do is encourage mum to cut down gradually. Good luck.
Good morning Paulo1976. Sorry to hear about your Mom. And how its affecting you as well. I know its very difficult for some people to stop smoking. All I can suggest is clicking on the 9 dots at the bottom left of healthunlocked and click on. Quit support and see if jillygirl and the others can give you any help and advice to help your Mom. Good luck. Brian
I am pleased to read that your Mum is a little more comfortable after the treatment.
I hear you, very upset and possibly very angry too that she is smoking and vaping despite how her health is and all the treatment she is had/is having. So upsetting for you Paul.In your position I I think I would probably be struggling with emotions too. I would be feeling very sad that my my Mum didn’t care enough about herself or her son to try to stop damaging herself further. How heartbreaking for you both, and frustrating for you too,
Nicotine addiction is one of the most addictive substances on this planet. It is a horrible and devious addiction. I used to smoke - stoped 21 years ago , however if I could smoke now without damaging my lungs further ( which I can’t ) then I would be smoking such is the strength of the damn nicotine. Smoking is both a chemical and behavioural addiction, so a double whammy.
I send good thoughts to you and your Mum. Look after yourself, you owe it to yourself both now and in the future. I hope you and your Mum are able to spend some gentle times together in the time she has left.
Vaping is a good place to start in giving up the tobacco, inhaling anything that is not prescribed is not good for the lungs, but vaping is better than smoking tobacco. Try and persuade her to stop the tobacco and stick to the vapes, slowly reduce the nicotine strength and hopefully cut down. If she is still craving the nicotine have a look at nicotine pouches, these sit in the mouth and provide the fix without inhaling into the lung.
A relative of mine smoked until the last two weeks of his life when he was hospitalised. His cravings were so great that they gave him nicotine patches and this calmed things down for him and made him more comfortable.
Being a 'never smoked in my life' person, I found it difficult that he continued to smoke knowing that it was shortening his life, but my husband, who last smoked in 1968) said he could fully understand the craving and the hold that smoking had on him.
Perhaps your mum could be persuaded to ask the doctor to prescribe nicotine patches (if they still do) and see if this will work for her.
For yourself, I think you could do with the support of others. Perhaps there is a local group that can help the families of people in your mum's position - or is there a palliative care nurse involved that you could speak to?
When it comes down to it, your mum will make her own decisions.
She has possibly come to the conclusion that she can't now make things any worse than they are so may as well enjoy a smoke or vape.
I would find it as difficult to live with as you are doing, but your mum's an adult and can make her own choices - even if they're not good ones and you find them hurtful.
I hope you are able to get some support for yourself as you are coping with a lot of emotions too.
I can sympathise with you on this Paul. My mum died with kidney cancer and smoked like a chimney all her life. She used to say "what else have I got to enjoy" it's crazy but alot of people are in this mind set. I used to smoke myself so can understand the addiction. Talk to her and tell her how worried you are and help her to cut it down and replace it with vaping if necessary. I looked after my mum and the only time she stopped was when she went into the hospice where she died. It's a difficult place you are in right now , looking after a parent that is poorly on your own is very hard and lonely. I hope you are getting all the help you need x
hi paulo l know exactly how you are feeling ...my own family had this problem with me ..l was having 20 sessions of radio due to breast cancer ...after each session l was having a cigarette with a cup of t ...after the radio which is very gruelling l needed it or l thought l did until......l had developed a bad cough which l thought was connected to having radio until l had gone to my gps the triage put the fear of god in me .......if l didnt stop smoking l would be carry a bottle of oxygen around with me for the rest of my life that did it for me also l was told that l had copd ..it did take a long time ie a yr with the help of a cigarette vape and no real cigarettes to stop me and that is now 11yrs ago and l have never smoked since .....there are other ways to stop with the help of your gp if you really want to go down other avenues if your mum is willing ....l wish you good luck and pleased your mum is making progress after having such invasive treatment
I stopped with the help of the NHS. Attended groups and had NRT. Still addicted to NRT but stopped smoking. Good luck Paulo....addiction is one of the most difficult behaviours to change.
Yr in a difficult position.id talk too mum and see if u can get her to vape rather than smoke.have a chat, tell her it's obviously her choice but tell her how you feel xx
would she try herbal cigarettes do you think? Then she’d still have a cigarette but without all the chemicals etc. Worth a try. You can get them in Holland and Barrett
As a smoker myself I get it. The horse has bolted and nothing is going to fix the emphysema. I’m going to die from something so why make myself miserable doing something I don’t want to do.
Now having said that I’m watching grumpy Grampy slowly deteriorating in front of me. He had three heart attacks then gave up smoking. He tried after the first but went back to it after 9 months. He finally stopped smoking and 5 years later was diagnosed with PF and emphysema.
Even with all this it isn’t enough to stop me smoking. I smoke outside and most days only smoke 2 or 3, in my mind that’s not bad as I was a 20 a day smoker
I understand how hard this is, as a daughter that watched her mother die because she didn’t follow doctors orders
Just encouragement and lots of love.
So sorry you have to go through this. Sending love and best wishes to you all x
Unfortunately with small cell lung cancer, the reality is that she will pass from it, when who knows, but she will, I don't think it's worth arguing about. Pretty confident my mother also has advanced COPD and continues to smoke 20+ a day. I could argue with her about that until the cows come home but it serves no one. We just need to support them. As hard as it can be.
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