Daily Laughter Friday
Good Morning POETS Day
Hope that you have a great day and a good belly laugh
And a great weekend
Berwick xxx
The Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
and decided to get rid of it one
day by driving it 20 blocks
from his home and leaving it at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
The friendly Postman
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the
homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with
a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of
a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbour-
hood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all
got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says,
'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don't want you any mo'.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
Get that nit comb through those strands,
This lice lotion best of brands,
Nought point nought between the prongs,
Not short hair, but two foot long.
Look they’re dying, I think we’re winning,
Eyes all bloodshot, red and stinging.
Don’t be silly, don’t start to wine,
Mummy’s got to be cruel to be kind.
Crisis over! What do you think?
Still got to get rid of that terrible stink.
Back to school, back to civilization.
Ready to pick up another infestation!
Granddad
Just Like Him
He taught me how to build a fire;
he gave me hope and desire.
He taught me how to build a chair;
he told me that life wasn't fair.
He watched every Football game
and treated me like fame.
He bought me ice-cream
and listened to my every dream.
I talked to him everyday,
we never ran out of things to say.
Without him I don't know who I’d be,
but one things for certain I wouldn't be me.
He taught me how to be just like him,
and I already am within.
Grandma
Grandma I wonder
where you keep your wings.
Are they hung in your closet
with the rest of your things?
Do you put them away
and just use them at night
or give them to Rosie
to polish up bright.
I know you have wings,
for this must be true,
'cause God always gives
them to Angels just like you.
Riches
They say that times were tough then
That money was very tight
But I remember my childhood
And I know that can't be right
Mom would cook our dinner
Dad came home at five
We were all sitting at the table
Waiting for him to arrive
We wouldn't eat from a microwave
Or a restaurant down the street
We all ate Mom's home cooking
And boy that can't be beat
We didn't eat in front of the TV
Or with a phone in our hand
We weren't plugged into a stereo
bopping to the latest band
We would all sit at the table
Everyone in their place
There were never any surprises
We recognized every face
Brothers to the left of me
Sisters to the right
That's the way we ate dinner
Every single night
We laughed we joked we talked we ate
We were a family don't you see
Though some may have been raised poor
You can see it wasn't me
We ate collards we ate biscuits
We ate fatback and blackeyed peas
We said yes sir we said no sir
We said thank you ma'am and please
So when you talk of family life
Or how it used to be
Though many had more money
None were as rich as me
We'll Take Fall Together
Shall we take Fall together,
go sifting through the fallen leaves
and gaze upon the golden hues,
while waiting for the freeze?
We walk a little slower now,
our warm days have all but gone,
we will have to bundle up,
now that Fall has come.
Shall we take Fall together
and talk of Summers past?
Our cold season seems to have begun.
unsaid we know it can’t last.
When we go back I’ll make a fire
against this evening chill.
I’ll watch the light dance on your skin
recalling the passions of back when...
and marvel at how you stir me still.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Rented cars are the only true "all terrain vehicle".
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit.
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
It is better to light just one candle...than to clean the whole apartment.
Not only did my ex-wife drive me crazy, she made me pay for the gas.
Some women are terribly hard to please...the rest are impossible!
At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.
They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.
My wife is so skinny, she can tread water in a garden hose.
I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Legalize maru...mawa...moua...mawo...ummm...Pot.
They say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who rested to death?
My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
Practice makes perfect...but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you?
Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.
I put a Pound in a change machine. Nothing changed.
God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Before you open your mouth to speak, make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
There is nothing wrong with California that the San Andreas fault cannot cure.
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Love is like a rash. It only feels good if you get to scratch it.
I'm an expert at multitasking. I can cheat on six diets at the same time.
Ladies, when you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress.
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.
I've cured myself of smoking in bed. I bought a water bed and filled it with gasoline.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
Why is it, when you're rich, it's "eccentric"; when you're poor, it's just strange.
Are the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
If the minimum wage wasn't acceptable, it wouldn't be called the minimum.
If you can remain calm at my job, you just don't have all the facts.
My sister is so ugly, she could make Ray Charles flinch.
I'm a procrastinator. I didn't get my birthmark until I was eight years old.
It would save me a lot of time if my supermarket had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap".
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Despite the saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!
The only way to have safe sex is to abstain... from drinking.
Senior Moments are like vitamins; everyone gets one a day.
The real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women.
My wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver.
I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
Since I've taken the job in The Everglades I've been swamped!
The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.
To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.
The pilot was a loner but even for him flying a drone was just too remote.
I suspected our new house guest was a terrorist. He asked to sleep on a blow up mattress.
When my granddaughter lost her baby molar she was demoralised and brushed the tooth fairy claim.
Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?
I told the psychiatrist that I was afraid of strangers talking about the founder of stoicism. He said I had xenophobia.
Getting this job managing a country estate has put me off fried eggs. I'm a gamekeeper turned poacher.
A tennis exponent always has a gut feeling beforehand that he will beat his opponent.
As a drug counselor, I get clients by refeeral.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
I love you mower today than yesterday, but not as mulch as tomorrow.
Did you hear about the man who was jabbed in the back with a set of keys? His back locked up.
The international jewel thieves were hard to catch because they had a good ring leader.
When the snake charmer wanted to get dressed up, she put on an extra garter.
The hotel chef was noted for his tomfoolery and his capers.
After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.
Finding all possible logical relations between a finite collection of sets is not a matter of If but Venn.
Vertical living is flat dwelling.
Just after thimbles were invented there was a shortage, so many people got stuck without one.
I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now.
The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.
The circus performer pulled his trapezius muscles and now he is flying high on pain meds.
When the town removed billboards, they told people that's how it was designed.
Of all sports humor, football is my favorite. I get a kick out of the punts.
When a woman returns new clothing, that's post traumatic dress syndrome.
A Hall of Fame recently opened to honor outstanding female soldiers. It was a WAC's Museum.
How can you get a drywall plasterer to finish the job? They barely start and then they stop.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday
.
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Instead of that daylight savings crap why don’t we just move the clock ahead an hour every Friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on Sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour
.
I’ve never met a Friday I didn’t like!
Family…Friends….Fun…Fridays. All good things start with “F”.
Friday…Gods Gift to the working People
Coffee makes my mornings. But Friday makes my week
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.
Every day can be Friday if you’re really irresponsible.
My boss just informed me that “It’s FRIDAY” is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
Why are you all so excited it’s Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
Friday! There you are, you sexy son of a btich! We’ve been lookin for you since Monday!
Friday. My second favorite F word.
Once again its Friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week….
Friday, is that you???????
If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.
It’s Friday! I’m as happy as a newborn in a topless bar!
Thursday doesn’t even count as a day, it’s just the thing that’s blocking Friday
Finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
Love the F word… Friday! What were you thinking?
Nothing fcuks up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday!
Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
Well, it’s easy to tell I’m married. It’s Friday night and I’m at home updating my Facebook status…
The way I see it, EVERY FRIDAY is Good Friday.. 
If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on a Friday this year”…. Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
MONDAY Y U NO FUN FUN FUN LIKE FRIDAY?
Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
It’s Friday night… So many innocent beers have no idea what’s coming for ‘em.
THANK GOD IM FEMALE
No thats not it
THANK GOD IM FUNNY
well. yeah…but no….
THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY
Have a very good Friday and a good healthy weekend
See you on Monday
breath easy my friends
Berwick xxx
Daily Laughter
