Daily Laughter Friday
Good happy POETS Day my friends
Hope your weekend is a good one
Please remember the rules as I cannot ber responsible for tea/ coffee or any other stains over your keyboards or computer screens.
Please enjoy them
Best wishes
Berwick xxx
Itsy Bitsy
The itsy bitsy spider went up the birthday cake.
Itsy quickly learned that he'd made a big mistake.
He climbed up a candle before the cake was cut
And itsy bitsy spider, he burned his little butt!
Hitting
Use a log to hit a hog.
Use a twig to hit a pig
Use a rake to hit a snake.
Use a swatter to hit an otter.
Use a ski to hit a bee.
And use a feather when you hit me.
The Lost Cat
We can't find the cat,
We don't know where she's at,
Oh, where did she go?
Does anyone know?
Let's ask this walking hat.
Examination
I went to the doctor -
He reached down my throat,
He pulled out a shoe,
And a little toy boat,
He pulled out a skate
And a bicycle seat,
And he said, "Be more careful
About what you eat."
Old Mother Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there,
The cupboard was bare,
And so is her daughter, I guess.
Jack Horner
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Watching the girls go by,
Along came a beauty,
He said, Hello Cutie!
And that's how he got his black eye.
Bugs
I am very fond of bugs
I kiss them
And I give them hugs
Row Your Boat
Row row row your boat,
Gently down the stream,
Until you hit the water fall
And then you start to scream.
Hickery Dickery Dock
Hickery dickery dock
A goat just ate my sock
Then my shirt for his desert
Hickery dickery dock
Apple Sauce
An Apple sat on a railroad track...
Feeling blue and cross...
Around the bend came number 10...
Toot Toot...
Apple Sauce
Shaving
Barber shave
Customer sneeze
Customer dead
Next Please!
Peanut Butter
A peanut sat
On a railroad track,
His heart was all a-flutter,
Round the bend
Came number ten.
Toot! Toot! Peanut butter!
Who has the most fun when you tickle a mule?
He may enjoy it but you'll get a bigger kick out of it.
If Johns mom has 5 sons and their names are Ja, Je, Ji, and Jo.
Who is the last one?
John.
On your way home you take a right and three lefts then you see two men in masks.
Who are those men?
They are the umpire and the catcher.
What do you get when you cross Pikachu with Exeggcute?
Fried Eggs!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honeycombs.
What could you call the small rivers that flow into the Nile?
Juveniles. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your chin?
Tulips.
What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.
What is the best way to keep food bills down?
Use a paperweight!
What tools do you need in math class?
Multi-Pliers
What happens when the Queen burps?
She issues a royal pardon.
What did Billy say after he learned how to count money?
"It all makes cents now!"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?
A stick
(They're all sticks to me!)
What did the the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
What Question must you always answer yes to?
What does Y-E-S spell?
What do you call a bear without an ear?
B
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
What do you call a Penguin in the desert?
Lost
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear
What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes
What do you call cheese that's not your cheese?
Nacho cheese!
What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A pink carnation.
What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elifino! (Hell if I know)
What's the difference between a a love story reader and a farmer?
One reads it and weeps, the other weeds it and reaps.
What goes up and down but never moves?
Stairs.
What building has the most stories?
The library.
What mostly don't you hear in school?
The H.
What can you find in the middle of nowhere?
The letter H.
What is at the end of everything?
The letter G.
What is the center of gravity?
The letter V.
What is a scarecrows favorite food?
Strawberries.
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a ghost?
Cockapoodleboo!
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the rest are weak days!
What TV show uses the most Toilet Paper?
Jeopardy, Doo Doo Doo Doo...
What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up.
What happened at a fight in the candy store?
Two suckers got licked!
What's the kindest vegetable?
A sweet potato.
What happened when a fosset, egg, and a lettuce ran a race?
Well, the egg got beat, the lettuce was a head, and the fosset was still running!
What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?
You get your wife, dog, truck, and job back.
What do you call it when someone puts a clock on his belt?
A waist of time!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
What kinds of keys can't open a door?
A Turkey, Donkey, or a Monkey.
What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
What kind of animal cleans the sea?
A mermaid!
What did Delaware when Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey?
I don't know, Alaska.
What has wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did Cinderella say while she was waiting for her photos?
Some day my prints (prince) will come.
What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered desert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.
What are good names for identical twin boys?
Pete and Repeat.
What made the laundry turn green?
It got seasick from going round and round!
What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt!"
What spells 4 and has 3 letters?
FOR
What is part pig and part tree?
A "Porky Pine".
Why did the basket ball floor get wet?
The players dribbled on it.
Why did the man take off his door bell?
He wanted to win the NoBell prize!
Why did the moron go to the dressing room?
To change his mind!
Why did the red light turn red?
You would too if people watched you change!
Why did the jelly roll?
Because he saw the apple turnover.
Why do surgeons wear masks?
If somebody makes a mistake nobody will know who did it.
Why do parents know best?
Because they made the same mistakes before!
Why is it possible to see through preachers?
They are holy.
Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?
Because she has a pumpkin for a coach. And...
Because she ran away from the ball.
Why did the old house see the doctor?
Because it had window pains.
Why were the little ink drops crying?
Because papa was in the pen and no one knew how long the sentence would be.
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
(Think about it)
Why is an island like the letter "T"?
It is in the middle of "waTer".
Why is an empty room like a room full of married people?
There isn't a single person in it.
Why is Piglet so nasty?
Because he plays with Pooh!
Why did the girl run outside with her purse open?
She heard there was going to be some change in the weather.
Why wouldn't the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathroom?
Because he kept goin' and goin' and goin'!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the busy street?
Because he had lost his nerves. And...
Because he had no guts!
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.
Why aren't elephant's allowed on the beach?
They always have their trunks down!
Why was ten afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine and he was next in line.
Why are mountain climbers curious?
They always want to take another peak.
Since he lost his hair, why is Mr. Timothy More like an American City?
Because he is "Bald Tim More"!
How can you tell who is Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
He has sesame seed buns.
How many cockroaches does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
Can't tell. As soon as the light comes on, they scatter!
How do you get on t.v.?
Sit on it.
A pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out.
She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady,
"I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest.
One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank."
The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!"
The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"
As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs.
He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!!
"You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf."
"I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."
Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald..
It's called "What's the Point?"
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.
The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.
"You see that?" he said to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows.
"And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."
Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"
As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said,
"Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"
"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.
Did you hear NASA wanted to study the effects of the moon on an aging individual, so they decided to resend Armstrong.
Unfortunately, they canceled this because they were afraid the first words from the moon in 30 years would be:
"Houston? I have fallen, and I can't get up."
What are alien's favorite sweets?
Martian-mallows!
A Glasgow senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing!' he thought as he flew along the M8, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 130mph, then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!'
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited 10 minutes for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.
Moving Beer
Mary was asleep in bed when her husband, Patrick, crashed through the front door at 3 AM waking her up.
He staggered through the hallway and tried to get up the stairs.
'What are you doing?' Mary shouted.
Patrick replied, 'I'm trying to get this gallon of beer up the stairs.'
'Leave it down there, Patrick', Mary bellowed.
'I can't, 'Patrick replied, 'I've drunk it.'
New Drink?
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, 'Can I have a pint of Less, please?'
'I'm sorry sir, 'the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, 'I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?'
'I've no idea, 'replies the guy, 'The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.'
Good Samaritan
A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk slumped in the doorway of an apartment block. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him.
But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried, "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
On that subject I think we shall call it a day
Hope that you enjoyed them
Please my friends have a great Friday whatever you are doing
Breath Easy my friends
Berwick xxxx
Daily Laughter
