Daily Laughter Friday
It that time of the week once again where more time is spent on thinking what am I doing this weekend rather than working.
This weekend I have my eldest grand daughter (16) and her boyfriend of thee years coming up from London to stay with us for the weekend
Order and rules of the house were passed on to her father (My Son) who in turn past them on to my Granadaughter.
Sleeping will be you in that bedroom and you my son (Boyfriend) you in that bedroom . Try anything in this house and I will boot your backside until your nose bleeds. (Sorry I am from the old school)
Hello , welcome and enjoy your stay and PS I will be watching you like a hawk and remember apart from the two eye in front I have got two eyes at the back of my head as well. Hopefully you will have a joyful weekend.
Have a great weekend, see you on Monday
Berwick xxx
enjoy
Hymns for the Over 60s
Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Left my Car
Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
Blessed Insurance
It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
Obituaries - More Jokes and One-liners For the Over 60s
Graham rings the local newspaper and asks to speak to the person in charge of the obituary column. He is passed to the advertiser and he asks, 'How much does it cost to place an obituary in the paper?'
'£1.20 per word, sir, 'replies the newspaperman respectfully.'
'Ok', says Graham, 'are you ready?' Old man joke
'Yes', came the answer.
'The obit. reads - ' Jones dead'.'
'No more?' asks the newsman in a very surprised voice.
'No, that's it, 'came the reply.
'I have to tell you, 'announced the advertiser, 'but there is a 5 word minimum.'
'Why didn't you tell me before?' complained Graham, 'in that case it will read:
'Jones dead. Volkswagen for sale'
Enjoying in Heaven
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband’s voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee...""Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you’re happy there in the afterlife. What’s it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it’s much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I’m a buffalo in Montana."
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
A Dozen Gentle 'Thoughts for Today' as We Grow OlderLost and Found
Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
. Now happy they are
They do not have a car.
Or they'd have the sorrow
the car was so narrow.
The car was so cheap
the color was so deep.
Model was so old
inside was not cold.
2. A car without headlights
On a damp Foggy Day
Nearly hit my bumper
At the stop sign down the way
On a damp Foggy day
Mist hanging heavy in the air
At a stop sign down the way
A Car passed on the right…
3. Rattle, hum, hiss, bang,
This car has got to go!
It really is quite sick,
It huffs and puffs and blows!
Crackle, whizz, cough, wheeze,
I think it's going to stop!
We've just gone round a corner
And the engine fell right off!
4. Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don't want you any mo'.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
5. A car is a car
If it can ride you nearby or far
A car is a car
When it gets you in time to the bar
A car is a car
When you are addressed as Madam or Sir
6. Like the car he drives,
He will pass you in the fast lane of life,
Like the blaring music from his car,
He loves life and a good joke,
Like the roaring engine of his car,
His temper will take off like a racer to the finish line…
Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...
This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........
Ju st when the clock struck 11...
and then......
then.....
then........
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner
Drinking and Driving
Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of drunken driving.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order! Order!"
Santa responded immediately, "Thank you , your honour! I'll have a scotch and soda."
A Good Wife's Guide
Here are a few choice excerpts taken from Housekeeping monthly - May 1955
Never complain if he comes in late
Don't ask him questions about his actions
His boring day may need a lift, it's your duty to provide it
A good wife knows her place
Prepare the children
Rules Issued to Female Teachers in 1915
You will not marry during the term of your contract.
You are not to keep company with men.
You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
You may not smoke cigarettes.
You may not dress in bright colours.
You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
You must wear at least two petticoats.
Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.
And they called it the good old days
The Good Wife's Guidance After Marriage
Daniel and Jessica, young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Jessica burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'Father of the Bride Speech
'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
Procedure for Men
Drive up to the ATM (cash machine).
Wind down your car window.
Insert card into ATM and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and take the notes.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Wind-up window.
Drive off.
Procedure for Women:
Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the ATM.
Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, finally locate the card.
Tell girl friend on mobile phone that you will call her back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its distance from the car. Insert debit card.
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the address page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
Retrieve notes and receipt
Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
Re-check makeup.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you Dress - Wash it Again
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on cell phone.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.
Before I get myself hanged by all my female friends as the saying goes
It's only a joke it's just the way I tell them.
Have a fantastic weekend my friends
See you on Monday
Breathe Easy my friends
Berwick xxxx
Daily Laughter
