Daily Laughter Wednesday
Half way through the week and the sun is shinning
Have a superb day what ever you do.
Berwick xxxx
Left in Time
Being left handed can be a nuisance for people
But for clocks it’s a lonelier curse
Because nobody wants to own a timepiece
That can only tell time in reverse.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
When I pose a hypothetical question, it means that I’ve done something extremely stupid and got myself into big trouble and am trying to get ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I’m in that situation.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can’t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Liquor makes me happy, you….not so much.
Do I know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO
Fact: If you break a £50 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up
Like today’s status if you know someone who’s only alive because you don’t want to go to jail.
likes to use words, irregardless of their existence.
doesn’t “need” to be liked. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
I should have studied to be a counselor or psychiatrist of some sort. It’d be nice to get paid to pretend I give a crap.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
99% of women say they don’t like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don’t like women.
The next person who says, “It’s not the heat, its’ the humidity” will learn that it’s not my fist, but the impact.
A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible …No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that. Never mind.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity. Coincidence?
Just because we have the same last name doesn’t mean we have to be Facebook friends, Dad
The thing I enjoy about most waking up an hour early is completely wasting an extra hour of my day.
ate so badly this past weekend that my body would probably mistake a piece of fruit for a virus and try to attack it.
Today, I’ll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn’t. Really, really wish I hadn’t.
hates it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.
A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby.
thinks that your problem is low self-esteem. It’s very common among losers.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like, “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?!
If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming “HELP ME!” please return it to me. It’s totally overreacting.
As you’re reading this, you should say to yourself, “Why am I talking to myself?”
That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there’s that one person who ruins it by saying something serious.
Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
If beer is proof that God loves us, then hangovers are proof that he has a sadistic sense of humor.
Earthy Anatomy
If the rocks and stones are the bones of the Earth
And the soil and sand are its fat
Is the sky the skin
Even though it’s so thin
Of this planet where we are at?
My husband said it was him or the cat…I miss him sometimes
1. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
2. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
3. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it.
4. I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real
pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper
.
5. Only inthe UK uk… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
7. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
10. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.
11. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes
12. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
13. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
14. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
16. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
17. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
18. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
19. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
25. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
27. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
30. Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
32. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
33. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
34. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
35. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
36. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
37. I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.” 38. Lord, if I can’t be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. 39. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
40. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.
41. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
42. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
43. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise
. 44. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
45. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
46. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
47. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
49. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
50. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
51. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
. 53. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
54. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.
57. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
58. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
59. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
60. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Q: How do you know if your clock is crazy?
A: It goes "cuckoo!"
Q: Why can't skeletons play church music?
A: Because they have no organs.
Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
Parrot Joke
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie!
Monster Joke
Q: What's the best way to talk to a monster?
A: From a distance.
Duck Joke
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: Put it on my bill.
Lion Joke
Q: Why did the lion eat a light bulb?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Read previous jokes »
Hamburger Joke
Q:What did the hamburger name its baby?
A: Patty
Bubblegum Joke
Q: Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.
Flag Joke
Q: What did one flag say to the other flag?
A: Nothing. It just waved!
Cereal Joke
Q: What goes snap, crackle, squeak?
A: Mice Krispies.
Dinosaur Joke
Q: How do you keep a dinosaur from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!
Fly Joke
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Fish Joke
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.
Tiger Joke
Q: Two tigers were eating a clown. What did one of the tigers say to the other?
A: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Rabbit Joke
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Elephant Joke
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a flea?
A: An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants.
Orange Joke
Q: What happens when you step on an orange?
A: You hurt its peelings
Read previous jokes »
Wetter Joke
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Porcupine Joke
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch
There once was a bean-lovin' lassy
Whose diet did make her quite gassy
Whenever she'd trump
Like a rocket she’d jump
Which was funny but certainly not classy
Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue.…
Q. How do you make an egg-roll?
A. You push it!…
Q. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A. “Where’s pop corn?”…
Guy 1:somebody said you sounded like an owl.
Guy 2:who?…
Did you hear the joke about the toilet?
Never mind it’s too dirty.…
Q. What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A. You look flushed.…
Q:What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A:Look grandpa, no hands!…
Q. When is a door, a jar?
A. When it’s opened.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted. …
Q. What did the pony say when it had a sore throat?
A. I apologize, I am a little horse!…
Q. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
A. Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!…
Q.What lights up a soccer stadium?
A. A soccer match.…
Q. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
A. “Give me my quarterback!”…
Q. When does Friday come before Thursday?
A. In the dictionary.…
Q. What did the mayonaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.
A. Close the door I am dressing!…
Newspaper Joke
Corny Jokes
in CORNY JOKES
Q. What’s black ,white, and re(a)d all over?
A. The newspaper.… Comment Or Rate This Joke
Q. Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
A. Because people are dying to get in.…
Q. What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A. A Slipper.
Patient-”Doctor, I seem to get heartburn whenever I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor-”Have you tried removing the candles first?”
well if you get through all these today you have not go much to do.
Have a great wednesday
Berwick. xxxxxx
Daily Laughter Wednesday
