Daily Laughter Wednesday
May I first thank you all for responding to my call yesterday. I thought that I was wearing the wrong aftershave and everybody was staying clear of me, but as usual the friends on this site put me at ease.
Thank you so much, every now and again I loose the plot. xxxx
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?Â
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
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Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.
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Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?
A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.
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Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.
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Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
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Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.
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Q. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
A: Because he is dead.
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Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A: It becomes wet.
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Q. What often falls but never gets hurt?
A : Rain
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Q. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?
A : TOMORROW
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Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half.
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Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.
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Q. What gets wet with drying?
A : A towel
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Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?
A : AGE.
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Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A : It caused a revolution.
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Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?
A : Because it has its own scales.
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Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg?
A : Because it is too tyred.
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Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state
A : liquid
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..
Sean goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."
"Who was it with?" the priest asks, "Was it Brigitte O'Hara?"
Sean says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."
The priest says, "I'll bet it was with that hussy, Mary O'Houlihan!"
Sean says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."
The priest says, "Was it that Rose O'Connell?"
Sean responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."
"You're a wicked man Sean O'Reilly," the priest says. "Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he is walking home, Sean bumps into his friend Seamus. "Sean!" he says, "How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"
Sean says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."
"How was it?" Seamus asks.
"Oh, not too bad," Sean answers. "I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"
Lost Dad
A small boy on the beach had lost sight of his dad. He was wandering everywhere looking for him, but to no avail. So he went up to a lifeguard and asked for help.
"I've lost my dad!" he said.
"OK," the lifeguard said. "Maybe I can help you find him. What's he like?"
The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "Mainly beer and golf!"
You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When:
Your T-shirt says: Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet and Low.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You short out motion detectors.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
When someone says: How are you? You say: Good to the last drop.
You're offended when people use the word brew to mean beer.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
10 Things You Can Learn From a Snowman
A snowman is not only fun to make, he can teach us a number of life lessons as well, like for instance:
1. Don't get too much sun.
2. Accessories don't have to be expensive.
3. It's OK if you're a little bottom-heavy.
4. Getting outside in the winter is good for your health.
5. Wearing white is always in style, even after Labor Day.
6. It's fun to just hang out in the front yard.
7. We're all made up of mostly water.
8. In a confrontation, a hand-held hair dryer can be a very effective persuasion tool.
9. Sometimes sweating too much can have disastrous results.
10. You know you've made it when they write a song about you!
What is 8 Inches long !?
I AM
8
INCHES
LONG.
MY FUNCTIONING IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.
I AM
USUALLY FOUND HUNG,
DANGLING
LOOSLEY
READY FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.
I BOAST A CLUMP OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE
END
AND
A SMALL
HOLE AT THE OTHER.
IN USE
I AM
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO
A
WARM,
FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE
I AM
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.
WHEN
FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
WHITE
STICKY
SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL
NEED
CLEANING FROM
THE
OUTER
SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND
SOME
FROM
MY
LONG
GLISTENING
SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS
DONE
AND
THE
FLOWING
AND
CLEANSING
LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
EMANATING,
I AM
RETURNED
TO
MY
FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST,
READY
FOR YET
ANOTHER
BIT
OF
ACTION,
HOPEFULLY REACHING MY
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES A
DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER !
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN......... .
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
TOOTHBRUSH.. .......
what were you
thinking?
35 Fun Things to Do While Driving
This Driver's Ed teacher is a comedic genius. I know we're all bored of lists. But honestly, this one is hilarious all the way through.
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill.
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off..
That's it my friends
Please have a happy errrrrr. Wednesday
Didn't know which day I was on
Well I do make these Daily Laughters the night before.
I bet you thought that I was up all night doing them. Nooooooooooooooooooooo
Night time is for sleeping (Will someone tell my brain that because it sure aint listening to me.)
Have a great Wednesday what ever you do
Breathe Easy my friends
Berwick xxx
xxx
Daily Laughter
