Daily Laughter Wednesday
Happy Wednesday my friends
Have a really great Day and
Happy reading
Berwick xxxxx
If you are old and have the shakes,
If all your bones are full of aches,
If you can hardly walk at all,
If living drives you up the wall,
If you're a grump and full of spite,
If you're a human parasite,
THEN WHAT YOU NEED IS WONKA–VITE!
Your eyes will shine, your hair will grow,
Your face and skin will start to glow,
Your rotten teeth will all drop out
And in their place new teeth will sprout.
Those rolls of fat around your hips
Will vanish, and your wrinkled lips
Will get so soft and rosy–pink
That all the boys will smile and wink
And whisper secretly that this
Is just the girl they want to kiss!
But wait! For that is not the most
Important thing of which to boast.
Good looks you'll have, we've told you so,
But looks aren't everything, you know.
Each pill, as well, to you will give
AN EXTRA TWENTY YEARS TO LIVE!
So come, old friends, and do what's right!
Let's make your lives as bright as bright!
Let's take a dose of this delight!
This heavenly magic dynamite!
You can't go wrong, you must go right!
IT'S WILLY WONKA'S WONKA–VITE!'
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
'I live with my brat in a high-rise flat,
So how in the world would I know.'
As I was going to St Ives
I met a man with seven wives
Said he, 'I think it's much more fun
Than getting stuck with only one.'
Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.
- If you open the door to a lesser evil, a greater one will slink in after it.
- The greatest of all faults, is to be aware of none.
- If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.
- Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit.
- The biggest room you have, is the room for improvement.
- Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
What does a teapot say to it's lover?
O, dajarling!
Who is the teapot's favorite actress?
Tea Leoni.
Why did the tea bag have to do it's laundry?
Because it was stained.
What is a baby teapots favorite game?
Pekoe-boo.
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what – never again."
"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
"I picked up a hitch-hiker. You gotta when you hit them."
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty."
"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub."
. ..and the worst
"Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
"You know city-centre beat officers... Well, are they police who rap?"
"I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."
"I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it."
"Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
"How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
"Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?"
"My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news."
"I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction they are going!
There's no knowing where they're rowing,
Or which way they river's flowing!
Not a speck of light is showing,
So the danger must be growing,
For the rowers keep on rowing,
And they're certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing...
Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?
Things that go 'bump' in the night
Should not really give one a fright.
It's the hole in each ear
That lets in the fear,
That, and the absence of light!
Contagion
Elephants are contagious!
Be careful how you tread.
An Elephant that's been trodden on
Should be confined to bed!
Leopards are contagious too.
Be careful tiny tots.
They don't give you a temperature
But lots and lots - of spots.
The Herring is a lucky fish
From all disease inured.
Should he be ill when caught at sea;
Immediately - he's cured!
1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
.
9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
.
11 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
12 War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
13 If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
14 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
18 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
19 Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
20 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
.
21 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
22 I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
23 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
24 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
27 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
28 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
29 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
30 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
31 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
32 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
33 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
34 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
35 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
36 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
37 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
38 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
40 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
42 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
43 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
45 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
46 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
47 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
49 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
50 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Down the stream the swans all glide;
It's quite the cheapest way to ride.
Their legs get wet,
Their tummies wetter:
I think after all
The bus is better
There must be a wound!
No one can be this hurt
and not bleed.
How could she injure me so?
No marks
No bruise
Worse!
People say 'My, you're looking well'
.....God help me!
She's mummified me -
ALIVE!
Drake is going west, lads
So Tom is going East
But tiny Fred
Just lies in bed,
The lazy little beast.
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
That's it my friends
hope that you had a few giggles now go and make that cuppa
Breathe Easy my friends
Have a great day
Berwick xxxxx
Daily Laughter Wednesday
