Daily Laughter Wednesday
Good Morning Wednesday
I do hope that you all had a great Tuesday and that you are all over the storms and stayed safe and well
Have a good read and a great giggle
Berwick xx
Some Famous Wednesdays
Sheffield Wednesday (English soccer team)
Ash Wednesday (1st Day of Lent)
Wednesday Addams (Addams Family T.V. Programme)
Orange Wednesdays iPhone
George And THE Dragon
A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed.
They knocked timidly on the front door and a head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted fiercely, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the window slammed shut.
Undeterred, the hikers knocked again.
'What is it now?' demanded the head.
'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the hikers.
History Lesson
Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of Aragon was bitten by a mad dog.
Tourist: Tudor?
Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did.
If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine.
Mad as a Hatter
Nick was walking down the street and he met a small boy. Nick asked the lad his name.
The boy replied, 'Six and seven-eighths.'
Nick asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name.
The youngster answered, 'They just picked it out of a hat.'
Birthday Boy
A man goes into a fish'n chip shop with a salmon under his arm and asks, 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No,' came the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'
Funny Favourite Wednesday
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'
The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'
Wednesday's child is full of woe.
Wednesday Joke Overconsumption
The bartender asks Mike who is sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'
Mike answers, 'A scotch, please.'
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, 'That'll be £5,' to which Mike replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'
Iain, a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'
The bartender was not impressed, but says to Mike, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.'
The next day, Mike again walks into the bar. The bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back.'
Mike says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life.'
The bartender splutters, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.'
To which the Mike replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
In 75% of households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
Out of The Mouths............:
Mother: 'Why are you home from school so early?' Son: 'I was the only one who could answer a question.'
Mother: 'Oh, really? What was the question?' Son: 'Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?'
Pay Rise
One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, 'I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me.'
'Really?' replied Martin's boss,' And who might these companies be?'
'Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom,' answered Martin.
Chicken Saga
One Wednesday, a husband took his wife to the doctor.
'Oh, doctor', he said, 'my wife thinks she's a chicken. 'The doctor gasped, 'That's terrible. How long has she been like that? The husband replied, 'Three years.' The doctor was horrified, 'Three years! Why didn't you bring her to me sooner?'
The husband said sheepishly, 'Because we needed the eggs.'
Marriage Advice
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
Irrelevant Facts for a slack Wednesday
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
Sherlock Holmes never said 'Elementary, my dear Watson'.
The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback to passing gas in such a confined space..................
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
The Two Ushers
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.' 'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 'See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers.'
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere
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A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not".
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion!"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers. "Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
"Why are married women heavier than single women?"
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.
One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.
Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.
Amazing Facts
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.Funny ostrich
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
More Strange Facts and One-liners
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand and 'lollipop' with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog', uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar', 'kayak' and 'level' are palindromes. They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and ' facetious.'
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Now you know everything.
Thats it for Wednesday
Have a great day whatever you do and stay safe
Breath Easy my friends
Berwickxxxx
Daily Laughter
