Daily Laughter Wednesday
Good Morning Wednesday
Well the start of the middle day of the week
Hope everyone is ready for a good Laugh
I was only stabbed 3 times yesterday and to end it all I had to wait 3 hours for an ambulance home
One long day
Have a great Day
Berwick xxx
The Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Kidnapping Joke
Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A. It’s ok, he woke up.
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Wherever you left it.
Q. What’s a bagel that can fly?
A. A plain bagel…
Brick Joke
Q. What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A. A brick.…
Fridge Joke
Q. What’s white and can’t climb trees?
A. A fridge.…
Number Joke
Q. What did zero say to 8?
A. Nice belt!…
Ten Things I know about you
Clever Jokes
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it. … Comment Or Rate This Joke
Egg Roll Joke
Q. How do you make an egg-roll?
A. You push it!…
There was a little old lady who was very spiritual who would step out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and yell, "Praise the Lord"
One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her,and he
became very irritated with the spiritual lady. So after a month
or so of her yelling, "Praise the Lord" from her porch, he went
outside on his porch and yelled back, "There is no Lord."
Yet, the little old lady continued. One cold, wintry day,
when the little old lady couldn't get to the store, she went
out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said,
"Help me Lord, I have no more money, it's cold, and I have no
more food."
The next morning, she went outside, and there were three bags
of food on the porch, enough to last her a week. "Praise the Lord," she yelled.
The Atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, "There is
no Lord, ha ha ha, I bought those groceries!"
>(Hold on . . the ending is VERY good!).
The little old lady raised her arms to the sky and said,
"Praise the Lord, You sent me groceries and you made the Devil
pay for them!"
Clean Restaurant Joke
So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Tom to his friend Oscar, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.” “Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!”
Lawyers Daughter Joke
Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue.…
Surgery Joke
Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”…
HEAVEN JOKES,
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.…
Memory Problems Joke
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”…
Can You Hear Me??????
An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”
She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”
The Forgetful Actor
An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines. Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a big part in a play. All he had to say was “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! After much worry the actor decided to take the role. Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! The time for the entrance finally came and as the actor made his appearance, he heard a loud brooooom! He turned around and said, “what the hell was that?”
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbor's house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house
One day a tiger was walking through the jungle, tiger saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.
The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
Turn him Around
Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!”
How much is a Room
A man called a hotel. “How much is a room?” The clerk said, “It depends on the size of the room and the number of people.” “Do you take children?” asked the man. “No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards!”
Congressman gets robbed. or not
A robber jumped on a well-dressed man and held a gun to his head. “Give me your money!” he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, “You can’t do this to me—I’m a Congressman!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “give me MY money!”
Where were you born?
Posted In: Short Jokes
Interviewer: Where you were born?
Candidate: Texas
Interviewer: Which part?
Candidate: The whole body
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
Thats your lot for today
Not feeling so good with my breathing today
Have a great day all
Breath Easy my friends
I wish I coukd but never mind
life has to go on
Berwick xxx
Daily Laughter Friday
