Daily Laughter Thursday
Good morning my friends
Just to give you a good laugh before you start remember one thing
Tomorrow is P.O.E.T.S Day
No matter what you do today have a great one
Berwick xxxx
The 20 Laws Of Work
Office politics getting you down? The following should help you negotiate and understand the workplace minefield!
1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you say you're going to do.
5. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
6. When the managers talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
8. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks you for a ride home from the office.
9. When in doubt, file it under "miscellaneous."
10. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
11. To err is human, to forgive is usually not the company's policy.
12. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
13. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't
14. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
15. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
16. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
17. Following the rules will not get the job done.
18. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
19. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Submitted by
Memo: Re - Mr Joseph Marsh
Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:
June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.
July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.
September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'
December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
And; last, but not least!
December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
Do you think that Mr Marsh's retirement story is a true story, or a hoax?
1. The Polar Bear is unaware
Of cold that cuts me through:
For why? He has a coat of hair.
I wish I had one too!
2. Oh, dear,
Oh, my gosh,
I hope that no one saw,
I wish that I could laugh,
But maybe someone saw,
Maybe I should hide,
But, ah, whatever,
I'll just pull my trousers up.
3. AWAKE, my pet !
What ! slumbering yet,
When the day's so warm and bright ?
The flowers that wept
Before they slept
O'er the darkness of yesternight,
Have listened long
To the lark's wild song,
And awoke with the morning light.
4. The whale sailed slow beneath the moon,
Its baby by its side,
Crossing oceans three miles deep
And thousands of cold miles wide.
5. The Lion, the Lion, he dwells in the waste,
He has a big head and a very small waist;
But his shoulders are stark, and his jaws they are grim,
And a good little child will not play with him.
6. My horse is there in front of me
Clip-cloppin' down the road.
He stops and flips his tail straight up
And drops another load.
7. ET into the boat and away to the west,
See-saw ! see-saw !
For they've cut down the tree with the poor linnet's nest,
See- saw ! see-saw !
The bulrushes nod and the water-lilies sigh,
See-saw ! see-saw !
And all of us know the sad reason why,
See-saw ! see-saw !
8. The Scorpion is as black as soot,
He dearly loves to bite;
He is a most unpleasant brute
To find in bed, at night.
Men's Rules
Women should learn these!
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping. Men Women Jokes Submitted by Rodney Airfield, USA
20 Reasons Why I Love You!!
I can be myself when I am with you.
Your idea of romance is dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us.
Because you make me feel like,like, like I have never felt before.
I can tell you anything, and you won't be shocked.
Your undying faith is what keeps the flame of love alive
You and me together, we make magic.
We're a perfect match.
Thinking of you, fills me with a wonderful feeling.
Your love gives me the feeling, that the best is still ahead.
You never give up on me, and that's what keeps me going.
You are simply irresistible
I love you because you bring the best out of me.
Your terrific sense of humor
Everytime I look at you, my heart misses a beat
You're the one who holds the key to my heart
You always say what I need to hear (You are perfect).
Love is, what you mean to me - and you mean everything.
You are my theme for a dream.
I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.
And, of-course, your intelligence, 'cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me!!
Top 11 Reasons To Come To Work Naked
11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
09. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
08. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
07. So that, with a little help, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
06. You want to see if it's like the dream.
05. To stop those creepy guys in Finance from looking down your blouse.
04. You can finally say : "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
03. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
02. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And the number one reason to Go To Work Naked . . . ..
01. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
Write your own CV
NAME: Brian Walker [also known as Grumpy Bastard].
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? Retirement Speech - Retest Motorists
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
You Can't Keep a Good Old'un Down
Rosa and Arthur, now well into their 80's, went to breakfast at Bert's Café where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.
'Sounds good,' murmured Rosa. 'But I don't want eggs.' Retirement stories - You can't keep a good old 'un down
'Then I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering à la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Rosa spluttered.
'Yes.' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and still in the shell,' Rosa answered with a glint in her eye.
Rosa took the two eggs home.
Moral of the story: You can't keep a good old'un down.
love food, I love food
It makes me feel really good
Yummy and nutritious food
Keeps me in a superb mood.
2. Food food food
All are here for food
All evolve from food
All act for food
All think about food.
All know no food
No existence.
3. We eat to live
that's how we grow
We eat to be active
that's how we exercise
We eat to be alive
that's how were hyper
If we never had food
we won't we alive.
4. O Food, your glory is so great,
Strength of limbs you generate.
It should be of our own choice,
Or with guileless friends rejoice.
O delicious, sweet luscious food,
Come; see all health it includes.
5. Snacks is Not food...
But you Eat food
Some of snacks...
Healthy good...
Take food
At snacks level
Avoid snacks
With any time...
Snacks is your
Anymey of food...
Fixing the Economy
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic
Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
They MUST retire - Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
They MUST buy a new British car - Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed
They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed
They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's your money back in duty/tax.
Instead of playing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy polluters to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or shut them down.
P.S. If more money is needed, have all Members of Parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances. If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
If not, please disregard.
Mr Grumpy
Over Sixties One-liners
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
and remember most of all
Have a great Thursday what ever you do
Breathe Easy my friends
Berwick xxxx
Daily Laughter Thursday
