Daily Laughter Thursday
Good morning Thursday, of my how good you look today my friends.
Keep it up read and have a good laugh you all deserve to have a giggle after those storms
Please enjoy
Berwick xxxx
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.
5.. I thought that I could love no other
– that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s
empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
12. When you first get married you could eat them, and when you think about it later you wish you had!!!
13. A long relationship is like a prison sentence, except you don’t always get out of jail for good behaviour.
Now, who said poetry is boring!
Jokes That I Like...
Humour is of course a personal thing... what one person finds funny another may not.
You might 'get the joke' but think that it is not even worthy of a titter.
Of course, you could be one of those who 'doesn't get it' yet laughs any way (I never do - have to know for sure!).
Anyhoo - here are some of my favourites!
My wife was ill so I had to do the shopping for the first time ever.
She said, "You'll need a shopping trolley... They're outside by the entrance. You have to put a pound in to release them."
I went to the entrance, put my pound in, and pushed it into the store.
I got some funny looks, but I enjoyed hearing Postman Pat's theme tune as I pushed his van round the shop.
I've built a stock car... it runs Bisto Gravy Granules and OXO cubes!
I kept on getting into trouble at school for handing my homework in late, so I bought a book of excuses.Unfortunately, the dog ate it.
Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.
Went out clubbing in last night, I was getting a lot of attention from the women there, one girl even pinched my bottom! The thieving moo!!! How the HELL am I going to sit down now?
People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).
Having too many vowels is a consonant struggle in a game of Scrabble.
I went to a traffic wardens funeral today.
As his coffin was being lowered into the grave, from inside we all heard "I'm not dead. I'm not dead".
"Sorry" the vicar said. "I've already processed it"
I got caught stealing full stops.I'm looking at a lengthy sentence.
I found an old return train ticket from 1985 in my wallet today. It took me back.
I was drilling a hole today.I thought, "This is boring."
What do bees do when they move into a new hive?
Have a house swarming party.
I think I've been watching Jamie Oliver to much. I've started putting olive oil in my pot noodle ...
I will never forget being made to run around the gym in my pants and vest as punishment for forgetting my kit.
I still remember the others laughing and pointing at me.
When I drove home that night, I vowed to cancel my direct debit and join another health club.
I came second in the village idiot competition down at the local community centre.
The guy who won it forgot to turn up.
I bought a couple of things from a second-hand record shop.
I'm now officially the 1979 world's fattest man and the tallest person in 1984.
My girlfriend makes so much noise when she's washing her hair.
It must be that new shampoo I bought her, with extra volume.
I banged my head the other night, so I followed the old wives' tale of rubbing margarine on it.Woke up this morning and still had a sore head.
I can't believe it's not better.
Blockbuster now do sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
My wife asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
So I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Saw a book in the library today called "Don't judge a book by its cover" but it looked dull so I left it.
My Grandad has been ill recently.
He started putting lard on his back; after that he went downhill really fast.
The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of children living in bungalows since 1945.
My wife said to me "I think the cat wants to go out."
"How could you possibly know that?" I sneered
"Hes put his hat and coat on" she said
You know your getting old when you buy a cereal for it's fibre content and not the free toy.
What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat?
A dandy lion.
what is a frog doing jumping off a bridge?
kermitting suicide
It's a great tongue twister but a lousy business model.
The sea shore is simply the worst place to sell sea shells, supply far overwhelms demand.
I just heard on the radio there are fog patches on the M6... I can only assume it is trying to give up fog.
I hate street performers...Then again, I'm a mime, so I can't really talk.
Isn't it weird that when you scream in the middle of a Library everyone thinks you've lost the plot, but when you do it on a plane everyone joins in?
I was in the park today and wondered why does a frisbee seem bigger the closer it gets?
Then it hit me.
I'm sleeping on the couch again tonight.
It's a doddle this night security job at DFS!!!
Little Lad gets sent home from school for putting super glue round the rim of his teacher's coffee cup.
His Mum says to him, " What did your teacher say when he found out?
"MMNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGH!" he replies.
We've just named the office laser printer "Bob Marley".
It's always jamming.
People who say 'nothing is impossible' have clearly never tried to staple jelly to a tree.
I asked my wife to chuck me my deodorant from the other side of the room, and she did the most pathetic throw; it didn't even reach me.
"What the hell was that?" I asked.
"Sorry, but it says 'underarm only' on it", she replied.
"The Internet is a wondrous source of knowledge and information, but one must be aware that it can often contain misleading information".
Hilarious prank: Mix normal butter with 'I can't believe its not butter' and give it to your mates on some toast.
They won't know what to believe.
My son had his first swimming lesson yesterday and came home with a 10 meter badge.
I said, "Couldn't they give you something smaller?"
I answered the door today and had to sign for a recorded delivery.
I got inside and opened the parcel and it was a DVD.
I put it on and it was a recording of me answering the door and signing for the parcel.
The rule 'i before e except after c' has been disproved by science.
I'm on a winning streak, I've just made a fortune again at the races.
It's great being a bookie.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives, where people that knock on the door are let inside without a thorough inspection of their identity
I'm known as the paranoid cowboy because I tell everyone that all my cattle are talking about me and are plotting!
I know it's true though - I herd them!
I'm selling a stalking kit on eBay,It's got six people watching it...
My wife and I were on the tube earlier today when eventually I just sighed and said, "We're never gonna get this last bit of toothpaste out."
I'm going to the Annual General Meeting of Impatient People next week.
I can't wait.
My Mum just bought a stepladder... I know she has to get on with her life, but I still feel there's a betrayal - you see, my real ladder died when I was little.
I went to a party dressed as a loaf of bread.
The birds were all over me.
there's one thing I love more than repeating myself, and that's repeating myself.
I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff but I hate punctuation
If a walkie-talkie is called so, then why isn't a Vacuum cleaner called a Pushy-sucky?
Caught Sleeping at work?
No problem, just slowly raise your head up and say "In Jesus's name, Amen."
For some weird reason today, I had the urge to get a caricature done of me.
I was strangely drawn.
I was trying to describe the Chuckle Brothers to my little niece the other day.
I said, "Imagine the Super Mario Brothers... but on White Lightning cider..."
How much is a cockney willing to spend on shampoo?
Pantene.
My mate Simon is a complete idiot!
He always thinks everyone has to do as he says.
I hired The Chuckle Brothers for my niece's birthday party recently.
They were very good, despite ruining pass the parcel.
Noise, the silent killer.
My wife woke me up last night because I was sweating and asked "Are you too hot?"
I told her that I thought Bono was a total fool but I though the Edge was a cool dude!
I no longer work at my local tattoo parlour.
It's because I got a transfer.
I ve just seen a dyslexic Yorkshire man .
He was wearing a cat flap!
'coming to a cinema near you' - how do they know where i live?!
What do you call a cross dressing dinosaur?
Trannysaurous Rex
Some random alternative definitions:
Turnip - noun - An aromatic plant that makes turkeys behave crazily.
Forty - adj - A bit like a fort.
Trampoline - noun - Cleaning fluid for homeless people.
My doctor has diagnosed me with mild tourettes.
Blast!!!
When I was younger, I always wanted to be a hairdresser.
I used to pretend I was one by standing in front of the mirror brushing my hair with a microphone.
I bought a horse the other day hoping to enter him into a competetive race one day.
A friend of mine said I would need to find a good trainer for the horse.
Terrible advice - I went out and bought the horse some Nikes, and it's just made him slower if anything.
When I realised the coffee wasn't working to keep me awake, I turned to speed.
Drank 20 cups of it in 10 minutes.
I used to work in a supermarket as the person who hands out free samples but I was asked to leave after the cups of bleach incident...
I just bought a Hawaiian shirt.
It's covered in pictures of ham and pineapples
I was sitting down watching TV this morning when suddenly my dog said to me, "You're a lazy beggar... all you do is sit there". I said, "Ruddy hell you can talk!"
Bin Laden was killed with a 25 million dollar bounty on his head.
Its hard to go un-noticed carrying that amount of chocolate around.
I do 5 sit ups every morning.
Might not seem like much but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I tripped whilst on an escalator the other day - was falling down the stairs for an hour and a half!
Poor people have no manors.
My dog Minton swallowed a shuttlecock the other day.
Bad Minton
Last night my wife said to me, "Can you flick the telly over?"
I said, "Probably not, I bet it's a lot heavier than it looks".
Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.
Exercise - why?
You'll never go jogging again after reading these!
1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £2,000 per month.
2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60 - she is now 97 and we don't know where the heck she is!
3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
4. I joined a health club last year, spent about £200. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there as well to do that!
5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body!
7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.
11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!
Top Tips...
Often found in 'women's magazines' (you know... 'Take A Break' and suchlike) - often quite bizarre... I remember one that read:
Parents! Don't lose sight of your child at the beach - I always fasten a brightly coloured helium balloon to my son's belt so that I can see wherever he goes without worry.
(Pity the poor child as he parades this bizarre thing around to the mockery of everyone he meets - 'without worry' indeed!)
There are plenty more out there - just pick up a magazine (usually they're left lying around in doctor's surgeries etc.) and have a look - the weird thing is though, at some point you'll read one and exclaim:
"You know... that's actually not a bad idea!"
Anyhow - here are some spoof ones for you to read!
CINEMA GOERS - Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts!
BREAKFAST LOVERS - Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
PET OWNERS - Rats make ideal 'large print' mice for short-sighted cats.
ATTENTION SHANDY DRINKERS - I've found that mixing Kaliber and Hooch makes a fantastic 'reverse shandy'.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
MOTHERS! Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of headlice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
LADIES... When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere really important afterwards.
GRATED CHEDDAR CHEESE from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.
BUSY EXECUTIVES - Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
MOTORISTS! Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
BOIL AN EGG to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
Groan Out Loud...
These are guaranteed to make you groan*
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Quasimodo ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It ain't yours and it ain't mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I think that is enough to keep you going till Friday
Breath Easy my friends
Have a nice peaceful day
Hug and Kisses to all
Berwick xxx
Daily Laughter Thursday
