Daily Laughter Thursday
Good Morning Thursday
For you party people it one day nearer the weekend
I am just a boring old sod who doesn't drink. doesn't smoke and doesn't party.
Have a great Thursday and a good read
Berwick xxx
There are all kinds of love in the world,
but never the same love twice.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language,
I said nothing.
Once you enter the world of parenthood,
you'll only be as happy as your saddest child.
Fads decimate individuality.
Stereotypes are by-products of a simple minded society.
Life is like a game of poker, sometimes you have the cards, sometimes you don't.
Life Guide: Don't jerk people around, do it smoothly!
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
You cannot be lost if you did not know where you where headed for when you started out.
Tomorrow may yet come, but today will never come again.
There is no future for those who live in the past.
If you do not say what you feel, who will?
The effect may remain long after the cause in gone.
When two share the same pain, they are one.
Letting go is hard to do, yet there are times when it is what must be done.
A man isn't known by what he has, but by what he does with what he has.
If you have the urge to be somebody else, then you obviously arent being yourself.
If I handed everyone in the world a pennie everytime I said something stupid, I'd be twice as broke as I was before.
When the time comes, be patient. but, till then, wait for that time to come.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your "real" friends love you anyway.
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
Well-behaved women seldom make history.
Nothing's wrong with whining if your friend enjoys it too and both of you as experts know when to take a cue!
The Rhyming Dictionary is best friend to a poet like me, but friend to every poet the Thesaurus ought to be.
If I could live my life again, I would not go back if all my memories were not still intact.
Life is a luck of the draw to which you previously agreed.
My life is so ironic that I'm happy when I'm sad.
Thank me and I'll remember you forever; Ignore me, and eventually I'll go away.
If every day were Christmas . . . what would become of Halloween?
Poetry is a lovely way to voice disappointment.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live...
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us...
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once...
Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked...
If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip...
Never is almost as meaningless a word as Forever.
The first war was fought with clubs, and stones, the only thing that has really changed is that today the clubs are fully automatic, and the stones have nuclear warheads.
To write with feeling requres more than just pen and paper.
No less than all you have, is what you need to get to where you want to be.
It seems you never hear the truth from those you should hear it from.
Some never find what they set out looking for, but sometimes they find things of much more value.
Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art.
Real love is the steadfast, slow-growing, everyday love, that lasts while forever maintaining its mystery, and slipping through the fingers of those who ineptly grope for understanding.
All my heart hides is all I can reveal.
It is a fool who says," can I ask one more question?" to a man with no answers.
Understanding that you know nothing, is the key of great knowledge.
Old hags know more of life than young princesses.
Good advice from loving parents, on which you didn't act may be the very same advice your son just snickered at.
One man's junk is another's treasure, this I know for fact. But since it looks so lovely in your home, I want it back!
Love is like a roller coaster...you can only get off in one piece when it is at the bottom.
Why is there never time to do it right, but always time to do it over?
A single tear can flood the heart.
Success is like flying a plane; flying is easy, getting off the ground is the hard part
I'm a secret hoarder. I�ve kept that to myself.
The winter drive-by shooting was a slay ride
A chicken farmer's favorite car is a coupe.
Mischievous lambs post their videos on Ewe Tube.
A shotgun is an exhausted rifle.
The debate about unmanned aircraft strikes just keeps droning on.
When the goat ate a Scrabble set, the letters came out in alphabetical ordure.
I must have had the chalkboard flu because today I feel remarkable.
When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
My father's father wanted to know if he could stay with the company in spite of the many changes. They ended up grandfathering him in.
What do you call a spittoon in a wine bar? Grape expectorations.
The ancient Romans only gathered once a week, because that was enough forum.
The cemetery is the dead centre. It's where the local bodies meet.
People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.
The two geologists lived only a stone's throw apart.
My friend and I are going to ride our bikes to a house party because I don't think we could handle bars.
Tried some bear stew. It was a little grizzly.
A man was ambidextrous, he could eat sugar with both hands.
Historians have extra-century perception.
If I think I've seen an idiot before, is that a case of deja fool.
Please don't read this poem.
It's only meant for me.
That's it. Just move along now.
There's nothing here to see.
Besides, I'm sure you'd rather
just go outside and play.
So put the poem down now
and slowly back away.
Hey, why are you still reading?
That isn't very nice.
I've asked you once politely.
Don't make me ask you twice.
I'm telling you, it's private.
Do not read one more line.
Hey! That's one more. Now stop it.
This isn't yours; it's mine.
You're not allowed to read this.
You really have to stop.
If you don't quit this instant,
I swear I'll call a cop.
He'll drag you off in handcuffs.
He'll lock you up in jail,
and leave you there forever
until you're old and frail.
Your friends will all forget you.
You won't be even missed.
Your family, too, will likely
forget that you exist.
And all because you read this
instead of having fun.
It's too late now, amigo;
the poem's nearly done.
There's only one solution.
Here's what you'll have to do:
Tell all your friends and family
they shouldn't read it too.
You can never be too careful,
that's what I always say,
and so I wear a hat, or two,
in case my hair turns gray.
I've thirteen tires on my car,
in case I get a flat.
I wear my pants size fifty-three,
in case I grow too fat.
You can never be too careful,
I'm sure you'll find it's true.
I see the doctor every day,
in case I catch the flu.
I carry twenty handkerchiefs,
in case I have to sneeze,
and forty seven bandages,
in case I skin my knees.
You can never be too careful,
so if I take a walk,
I tiptoe everywhere I go
and whisper when I talk.
I hide my money in a box,
and lock it up inside Fort Knox.
My house is made of bricks and rocks.
The front door has a hundred locks.
But now I have a problem, see,
I'm locked inside without the key.
I've lost it and I can't get free.
I hid it much too carefully!
I'm making my brother my personal slave,
so now when I greet you my brother will wave.
He'll do all my homework; he'll take all my tests.
He'll clean up my messes and wait on my guests.
He'll hold out my hanky whenever I sneeze.
He'll say that he did it if I "cut the cheese."
He'll go take a bath if I play in the dirt.
He'll eat all my spinach, then feed me dessert.
He'll empty the garbage and vacuum the floors
and finish my other unsavory chores,
like washing the dishes and mowing the yard
or anything else even modestly hard.
I really enjoy all the effort I save
by making my brother my personal slave.
And though I'll admit how exciting it is,
I'm not sure it's worth it, 'cause next week I'm his.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And then I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there rude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left xxx!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth,
And spotted the dangers beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food.
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.
I wish I’d been that much more willin’
When I had more tooth there than fillin’
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin’.
When I think of the lollies I licked
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.
My mother, she told me no end,
‘If you got a tooth, you got a friend.’
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.
Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin’
And pokin’ and fussin’
Didn’t seem worth the time – I could bite!
If I’d known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin’s,
Injections and drillin’s,
I’d have thrown all me sherbet away.
So I lie in the old dentist’s chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine
In these molars of mine.
‘Two amalgam,’ he’ll say, ‘for in there.’
How I laughed at my mother’s false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath.
But now comes the reckonin’
It’s methey are beckonin’
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear.
And here’s the reason why.
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry.
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it.
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!!!
It’s you who has to work the drill
And put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I DO, I DO, I DO!!
Don’t lay me in some gloomy churchyard shaded by a wall
Where the dust of ancient bones has spread a dryness over all,
Lay me in some leafy loam where, sheltered from the cold
Little seeds investigate and tender leaves unfold.
There kindly and affectionately, plant a native tree
To grow resplendent before God and hold some part of me.
The roots will not disturb me as they wend their peaceful way
To build the fine and bountiful, from closure and decay.
To seek their small requirements so that when their work is done
I’ll be tall and standing strongly in the beauty of the sun.
Well that is it friends
Hope that you enjoyed today's assortment
Have a great Thursday
Berwick xxx
Daily Laughter Thursday
