Relationship/marriage after PP

[SaffFree]

Hi everyone, after PP, how has your marriage or relationship been affected? I feel like I am stuck at the moment about what to do. My husband obviously suffered a trauma as well, but he is reluctant to talk to professionals about his experience and how he is feeling. He doesn’t feel like he connects with me anymore and has been thinking of separating for about a year now.

We have spoken and been open about our feelings, but we are unsure whether this means our marriage should end and we should co-parent. We have been through so much having our first daughter in lockdown, and then PP after our 2nd. So much has changed in our relationship and home life. I don’t feel like we should separate, I think we just haven’t been open and the stress of what we have been through has made us drift apart emotionally.

I’m very practical about moving forward, and have been so focused on myself to recover. I am in a good place now, so this conversation has come as a shock. He has been afraid to tell me how he really felt incase I became ill again or relapsed. I told him he can’t cause me to relapse and he doesn’t need to worry so much. He’s put so much pressure on himself. He said he has been feeling pretty unhappy for about a year now. He just hasn’t communicated it until now, when he felt safe to do so.

I’ve tried to get him to talk to other dads who have been through PP with a partner, but he struggles to talk to strangers. He has spoken to his close friend and his mum, but I’m totally unsure what to do. I know it’s not easy for partners and they have to just be strong and get on with supporting you to recover.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA 🙏

[RPR24 Volunteer]

Hi SaffFree, I’m sorry to hear this. The only advice I feel I can put forward, which may not help if your husband isn’t so keen on talking to strangers is that when my wife and I were having similar struggles, dealing with separate trauma from PP and struggling to align - things got so bad I feared we’d separate, we undertook “family intervention”. FI was suggested to us via the Early Intervention in Psychosis team, it allowed us to have a neutral space and a balanced discussion where we went through several topics, not only PP, we discussed PP and how the experience made us both feel, we were able to see the trauma from each others perspective and it also showed us what we had to lose if we allowed the trauma to separate us. I can honestly say having those tough conversations saved our marriage and couldn’t recommend it more. I hope things settle for you either way and ultimately hope that whatever decision you both come to, I hope you’ll all be happy. I’m around to chat if you want to know more x

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi SaffFree,

I'm very sorry to hear about the impact PP has had on your relationship, and that your husband hasn't felt able to talk to you about how he's been feeling until now. There is so much change in a relationship when we have children already isn't there, without all the additional stress and trauma of covid lockdown and severe mental illness thrown in on top.

I really hope that your husband opening up will be a positive first step in being able to talk about the last few years and everything you have both gone through, and that he is open to working on your marriage. RPR24 has given some great advice and this kind of intervention or other relationship counselling sounds really helpful to offer a space where you can both talk openly with some guidance.

In terms of chatting to other partners who have been affected by PP - if your husband struggles to talk to strangers, but might be open to joining one of the APP partner café groups and just listening in, that may be a start to know there are spaces available where others will understand...?

I really hope you can find some time and space together and that things will work out.

Sending very best wishes,

Jenny x

[Survivedwithcolor]

To this day I cannot believe that my husband stayed with me through the hell we went through. We never spoke of it in so many words, but I knew he contemplated leaving. I knew he wanted to. But he did attend counseling sessions with me and also by himself, and they educated him on what was happening. He was able to realize that I really was not myself during that time, and he stayed. We're happy together now and celebrated 35 years of marriage early this year. We even bought each other new rings.

Your partner really needs to know what is happening with your illness, and doing some sessions together or separately or even online I think can only be helpful.

[SaffFree Volunteer in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

Survivedwithcolor that is so lovely to hear about your 35 years together and recent celebration with ring! ❤️

My husband has always said he was fine when asked by the support team if he wanted support. He had the offer of the fathers APP forum, and the NHS recovery in psychosis team I'm under also offered him support. He really struggles to open up and I think being emotionally vunerable is so hard for him. It's taken him this long to open up to me! I was quite angry at first as he had told his best friend and mother before me how he was feeling. I understand though that he was afraid to tell me while I was still recovering. The last week (he told me on Monday) has felt like I have been hit by a train. It was shattering to hear that, and that he had told other people before me, the one person he could trust most. We both avoid conflict since childhood, so that plays into it all. Deep down, I also knew something has been off for a few months, but wasn't sure what. I was so focused on myself and kids, I told him I didn't have time emotionally to notice what he was feeling, or how to approach him about it. I didn't know what 'it' was.

All I can do now is be open, receptive, compassionate and realistic with him about what we need to do for our girls. They are the most important in our lives.