2.5 years postpartum. He still hates me

[wi17]

hi, I am nearly 2.5 years since I gave birth to my son in which I suffered postnatal psychosis and was in an MBU for a while with my son then I was transferred to an acute MH ward without him for a few months.

I've suffered with my mental health since this but not to the extreme I was then.

Things have been going ok with regards to me and my son, (never really felt the huge motherly bond of love - didn't with my eldest child either and still don't and they are 7).

But things been going ok and I've still been meeting his needs but my partner does most things, Ie around the house/ nursery runs etc. due to my struggles with MH.

But recently my son who I say is now nearly 2.5 will not let me put him to bed, will not let me settle him in the night if he wakes he just shouts daddy, if I get him out of his cot (yes he's in a cot still he has extra health issues) he just screams for daddy and hits me in the face, and will not let me give him his milk he just screams and tells me to go away then I try and persist and calm him but he just hits me and hits me and will only settle for 'daddy'

I'm writing this after coming downstairs trying to settle him in absolute tears as he just been screaming and hitting me saying go away and as soon as daddy went up he settled.

He doesn't like me. I feel like such a failure. I feel because of my none presence postpartum due to been section from the psychosis and continued MH struggles he just hates me.

all I want my only goal in life is for my children to have a happy childhood and happy memories and to feel loved as I did not and I don't know what to do.

It breaks my heart because all I want is for him to love me even if I can't feel that love to him.

Somebody please help I want him to want and love me. I'm so triggered and heightened right now that my own flesh and blood child doesnt even want me, if he doesn't want me what does that show 😭😭😭😭😭

[Alpav]

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. I had PP about 2 1/2 years ago like you and spent several months in an MBU then 6 weeks on a general ward when I had a relapse. I can really relate to not feeling a burning sense of love for your child. When I crashed after my high I lost that feeling. One thing that helped me was every day, noting something down I’d spotted about my son and over time, my sense of love strengthened.

My son is also currently very much a daddy’s boy. My husband goes to him at night as I can’t hear him. My son won’t let me put him down for bed if he knows my husband is in the house. Something that helped me was friends - who didn’t have complications like we did with PP - telling me that children go through phases in terms of who they want first. I know it can hurt though when the usual societal expectation is that the child will want the mother first.

Did you ever get access to parent infant psychotherapy? I had this with my son and it really helped me to appreciate that I did have a strong bond with him, even if I couldn’t see it. My health visitor also still checks in on me from time to time. Maybe you could ask them or your GP about some talking therapy.

Good luck.

[Olanzapinelenny]

I can really relate to this post, sending big hugs xx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi wi17,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I remember going through some of this too and I'm sure many of us would say the same. For the first 2-3 years particularly, my son was very much a daddy's boy and I often felt pretty rejected and upset and that it must all be down to the fact I'd been unwell. An inflatable giraffe actually took priority over me when it came to sitting together on the sofa!

I felt like this even though I wasn't ever separated from my son, I think we all hold a lot of guilt that adds to our fears and worries. I can look back now and see that it wasn't as bad as I felt it was at the time but when you're in it it can feel utterly crushing. I also know now that a lot of children, especially at that age, go through stages of seemingly favouring one parent and it's completely normal.

Like Alpav, I found talking to friends with children who hadn't been unwell really helpful in reassuring me that a lot of things I was going through and worried about were normal for everyone. Accessing some parent infant psychotherapy sounds like a really good idea, and do talk to the health visitors for support and reassurance as well.

You're not a failure and he doesn't hate you. I also think that 'bond' is different for everyone, but the relationship between you can and will grow and develop over time. Hang in there and try not to 'opt out' - I think I felt at times like giving up making any effort if he wasn't bothered about me and I was clearly just a rubbish mum. If the nights are just going to have to be your husband's domain at the moment, perhaps try to spend more time around him in the day, being present even if you're not doing as much of the hands on stuff really will make a difference and playing games together is a nice way to build that communication and relationship. And talk to your husband about how you're feeling if you haven't already - could you all do a bit more together so he's still there but you feel more included?

APP have just produced a new insider guide 'Being a parent after postpartum psychosis' which contains links to various resources that may be helpful to look at, as well as lots of shared experiences. You can access this on the website here: app-network.org/postpartum-...

I hope this helps a bit. Sending you a big hug.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi wi17, welcome to the forum, I am so sorry to read that you had pp after your son was born 2.5 years ago, and that you spend so long separated from him.I had pp 5 years ago after the birth of my daughter and was separated from her for 10 days while I was in a general ward before transferring to an MBU. I also have a diagnosis of bipolar 1. I went to have another baby which has around the same age as yours.

My boy is a daddy's boy. I may be sleeping on the floor next to him, but he will go and look for my husband in the next room when he wakes up during the night. Consoling wise he goes for his dad and misses him terribly when he is not around, he also feels disappointed when I pick him up from nursery. As others have said I think that's not so uncommon, children do change on their preferences as they grow and go through phases and sometimes it is their temperament too. My boy is more shy and observant like his dad, so they find that affinity. My daughter is more independent and wants to try new things (not always with the intended consequences), like me.

It is so understandable to look for a reason for their behaviour and pp does weight a lot in our minds. But beating ourselves up about it just feeds the darkness and sadness that we feel. It is right to give a space to our feelings of mourning for not having the motherhood experienced that is taken for granted, just not having to be in a mental health ward is not much to ask. But please do not feel that this has impacted the childhood of your kids, you are doing an amazing job, every day that you do it.

Take really good care, here if you need to chat

Maria

[Survivedwithcolor]

I'm very sorry to hear you're still having issues and struggling with your son. I'm a former preschool director and teacher of young children as well as a survivor of PP myself. I was very unwell for many years.

I want you to first of all remember that you are dealing with a 2.5/3 year old child. His brain, moods, and ability to comprehend and understand the world are very limited at this time! Please do not base your self worth on his behavior. I swear on every parenting book I've ever read, toddlers are challenging even for the healthiest moms. Some more so than others. You mentioned that he has other health issues, so he is likely dealing with his own discomfort. In the evening you can also add in fatigue and hunger. He is unable to understand all this and rationalize it, and then he also doesn't have the language yet to express himself clearly. He may have a strong willed personality and that makes him want to lash out. What he does is yell for the thing that is most familiar and the most comfort to him; daddy, the person who is with him the most. This is perfectly typical behavior for a toddler. That does not make it easier to deal with, unfortunately.

I have two recommendations for you based on my education and experience with teaching young children, as well as being a grandmother of a child that age right now. First, do what you can to have positive experiences with him during times of the day when he is more receptive. Bedtime is not that time, because he is tired and cranky. Read stories to him. Do puzzles. Play with play dough or a toy he likes, painting or an activity he likes, and devote your full attention to him - put your phone away and no TV. This may only be for five or ten minutes, because that's really all the attention span he has at this point. Talk while you're doing something together. I kind of narrate things and ask questions, this is what we're doing, what are you going to do with that, would you like to put that here, what color is this, etc. At bedtime, perhaps you can read him some stories and his father can do the actual bedtime. Then you can start adding doing more of the routine yourself a little at a time.

One activity my grandson absolutely loves is to have a tray of baking soda and squirt colored vinegar into it. I get like a baking pan, cover the bottom with baking soda, and fill about 6 plastic cups with an inch of vinegar. I put a different food coloring into each one. Then he takes a medicine dropper and squirts the vinegar onto the baking soda. It fizzes dramatically and makes interesting colors. To clean up, just wash it all down the sink. It's quite cheap to do this and he asks for it every time he comes to my house.

My second recommendation for you is to take a parenting class about dealing with toddlers or go to your public library and get some parenting books specifically about toddlers. Understanding them a little better can go a long way toward learning how to deal with them effectively. They're very volatile creatures at the best of times and not easy for ANY mom. You are NOT alone and you have done NOTHING wrong here. You're dealing with an entirely irrational being. You just have some extra challenges to make up for. Be sure and talk to your own providers too about your insecurities and perhaps they'll have some helpful suggestions. If you're already really working at it and it's still not going well, perhaps some parent and child therapy would be appropriate. Start small and don't expect perfection. Look for small victories and then add to it. I know you can do it and this is the BEST time to start, before he gets bigger and stronger and harder to handle. Hugs to you. Be KIND to yourself. This is not your fault.