It's been over two years since my last post. A lot has happened in that time. I moved back home to NZ and life has been getting better. Slowly. My beautiful son turned 3 a couple of weeks ago. I've been off Olanzapine since March but I am still taking citalopram. I'm so tired. I want to be well, normal, med free. I don't know why it's taking so god damn long to get there. My therapist has recommended I document my story as it will help me to get closure and move on with my life. So a few months I started writing. Some parts have been easy, my time in hospital, how the drugs made me feel, but there is a lot that is difficult. It is hard to remember the details of what exactly happened in those early days when I was entirely consumed by the psychosis. My parents and friends are wonderful and are helping me to put the pieces of the puzzle together. But the one person who can give me the most information refuses to open up. 3 years down the track and he doesn't want to talk about it. Ever. He says it's too painful and "what's the point of bringing up the past? Just get over it and move on." This is so upsetting to me. My husband, my partner in crime, my best friend in the world won't talk to me about the time that made him the father he is today. He is my rock and I wouldn't be here today without him. How can I get him to open up and talk to me about what happened during my psychosis??
Recovery three years on...: It's been... - Action on Postpar...
Recovery three years on...
Hello pinkylarouge
Good to hear from you in New Zealand! I'm glad you're getting better slowly although it can be frustrating at times when it seems to be taking ages.
I think it's a good thing to write your story, just so it's all out of your head and you can see how far you have come. My PP was so long ago and at the time mental illness wasn't talked about as openly as it is now. In the mid 70's when I had my first PP my parents thought it best not to talk about my illness, inside or out of home and my husband was asked to go along with this.
All these years later and following my second PP in the 80's, my parents are still reluctant to talk about PP and so I don't ask as it is probably too upsetting to recall. Perhaps as you are still not 100% your husband is trying to protect you from his memories?
After speaking to my husband last year I did ask my GP for my records during my PP episodes to fill in the gaps. My GP counselled me before giving me the records as he did say they were very traumatic. When I went home I put them away until I was ready. After a few days I glanced at them and was very upset to read about the young woman, in such distress, whom I didn't recognise. Is it possible for you to obtain your records instead of asking your husband to relive that time in your life? I would caution you though to be careful as you need to be very strong before you open that 'box' and that's probably what your husband is protecting you from.
I wasn't as strong as I thought even after all these years ..........
Take good care.
Hi!
Good that you are on the mend even though it has been very slow. I agree with Lilibeth. Some people have tried to protect me too. When I started making Subject Access Requests right, left and centre my best friend was very worried it would cause a relapse. It really annoyed me, even though I could see she had good intentions, I felt patronised. Unlike others, I have noticed that she becomes uncomfortable whenever I bring the topic up and I've just learnt I will not get the openness I get from others on that topic.
Having said that, my aim was not to refresh my memory but to obtain redress. I remember almost EVERYTHING (there was nothing in the notes that I did not recall, even vaguely) and sometimes I wish I remembered less, so much of it is embarrassing. So much of it were not me.
I wonder, if you're still together if your husband now, he perhaps does not want to recall a period when you were NOT you, he wants to look forward to your recovery. Is your therapist actually a psychiatrist? Do you have a CPN? What do they say? I would take their advice and wonder if your husband, who seems to love you very much, would be willing to give you the facts if he knew it would assist in your recovery. And sadly (this is the patronising part), he might be willing if he was told directly from a medical professional than from you.
I hope that helps and keep us updated.
Anne x
I'm not currently seeing a psychiatrist, just a counsellor and my GP. What is a CPN?
Oh wow, your in nz. Me too. Would love to chat some more, maybe even meet. Can totally understand how you feel.
Where in NZ are you? I'm in West Auckland.
Hamilton
Hello pinkylarouge,
lovely to hear from you from down under & thank you for sharing with us your story and concerns.
I believe everybody is copying with PPP differently, especially those once who have been directly involved, such as partners/husbands and close family.
I have had PPP in 2010 and my partner had been my full time carer. It has been painful and a very difficult time, but like yours he never did let go of me and always managed to look after my son with the help of professionals and family support network.
We occasionally talk about the time, especially when I get flash backs and would like to fill a gap. I do not remember everything from being hospitalized in August till probably when slowly weening off medication the following year. My partner protected me in the first two years and gradually started speaking a bit about his experience and involvement.It is not easy and often has brought us to tears. I do not force it up on him.
I do agree with Lilbeth in your case that it might be a good idea to access your medical file without putting any pressure on your husband. My mum for example is in complete denial and said there has been no mental health issues in her family. I just found out otherwise. My aunt explained to me about the stigma around our family.
However, I do not force it up on my mum to speak about the truth. She is just not ready...
I will ask for my medical files when the time is right. I can already inform you that I find it quite difficult to read about the past. I have a folder at home with documentations received from the NHS throughout the years about my case, duplicates they've disclosed. Quite an eye opener, but difficult to digest.
Take good care of yourself,
Sabine
Hi,
I think everyone deals with things differently and no one way is right.
My wife had pp about 9 years ago and it was the most terrifying thing I've ever had to face as a husband. There were times that I thought I'd lost my soul mate forever.
For a couple of years I didn't want to talk about it at all, partly because I carried a fear that I may trigger a relapse but also because it was too traumatic.
I did however want to raise awareness because there was little information available at the time for husbands / partners and so decided to write about it.
It was really difficult to do and took approx 3 years stopping and starting, it brought back extremely vivid memories and emotions at the time, which often caught me off guard.
I don't think there's much anyone can do, if someone doesn't want to talk about it, but with time maybe things will start to come out.
My wife and I eventually were able to talk about it all, as well as laughing at some of the more weird moments.
Best wishes
Thanks for your comment. What did you do with your story? I'd be so interested to read it if you would be willing to share, it may help me understand it from my husband's point of view xx
Hello pinklarouge
I think zapple's story is "Husband in a Storm" which is on this site and you can search for here (sorry I'm not sure of the link). It gives great insight into how it was for our other halves.
Best wishes.
My search has been unsuccessful. zapple doesn't have any posts on his profile either...?
If you google APP Husband in a Storm it should be there .....
app-network.org/wp-content/...
Thank you. Will read it and get back to you xx
Hi zapple,
I read your story late last night and I it really struck a chord with me. My experience was very different to what your wife went through but the thing that stood out to me was how amazingly supportive you were. You endured a lot and you need to be commended for standing by her and staying strong even when you felt you couldn't.
Thank you for sharing your story. How is your wife now?
All the best
Stacey xx
Hi,
My wife is very well, it took a good couple of years from start to what we perceived as the finish, in fact, although we talked about many, if not all aspects over the years, it was only recently that she decided to read the story herself.
What is apparent through all the story's and posts is how many husbands and partners have found the strength and endurance, to support their loved ones through this illness, a big thumbs up to all of them.
Cheers
Zapple
Hi Pinkylarouge!
Thank you for sharing about your experience. I experienced postpartum psychosis 20 years ago. It was a process of recovery for me and my family. In 2003 I was compelled to write my story (I have always loved writing). I had kept a journal for most of my adult life and kept one through my experience so that was very helpful in piecing together my experience but I also gathered all of my medical records, which was a task but it helped fill in more blanks. I talked to family and friends as well but amazingly I have a very clear memory of what happened so that made it easy for me to write.
My husband was very supportive and helpful during the years but his experience is different. He shared some of what happened from his perspective when my son was 4 years old and then periodically over time. He is not the type to sit down and share emotional subjects especially all at once. Therapy has helped us tremendously and we processed things over the years. My husband's personality is very different from mine but are strengths/weaknesses compliment each other.
My husband, as your husband, prefers to put experience behind him. He is supportive in his own way. I have done advocacy in the area of mental health related to childbearing for over 14 years. My husband prefers to take a back seat and let me do what I do but not for me to expect him to join in on my efforts. This situation works for us but we have had to learn through many trials and tribulations to get to this point. If you have any specific questions that I can address related to writing or my personal experience, I would be happy to provide any information that I can. Feel free to direct message me or email me at jennifer@jennifermoyer.com.
Warm Regards to You!
Jennifer
Hi pinky,
My husband was the same, an absolute rock for our family, but he doesn't want to talk about it.
He did see a psychologist himself to deal with the post traumatic stress that he had as a result.
Only now 6 years and 3 years on, has he conceded to me seeing my record and getting more details. He doesn't want to relive what he remembers painfully and vividly. But I have been able to explain to him that I need the dates and details to provide a chronology for the random memories I do have.
Was that memory at home or hospital? Was it the illness or the medication that made me feel/ behave that way?
He needed as much psychology recovery as me!!
loveDEb
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