Still processing and planning for the future

[webermo09]

Hello everyone, I just want to say that I am very thankful for finding this forum. I have felt very isolated in my experience and I am hoping this will be helpful for me. Here is my story:

My son was born in December of 2018. About a week after he was born, I was convinced that my family was full of child molesters. I also thought my son was the second coming of christ and that he was going to save our world. I thought God was constantly speaking to me. I became so sleep deprived and manic. It got to the point where I was placed on an emergency detention and the police took me to a psych ward. I stayed there for about 2 weeks and with the help of a lot of anti- psychotic medications and much needed rest I returned back to my normal self. I had to stay in a half-way house for a bit and I wasn't allowed unsupervised visits with my son for about a month. (My husband travels for work so they were very concerned with me caring for my son by myself) It totally and completely broke my heart. I knew I would never harm my child and I wanted nothing more but to hold him. I feel like I missed so much of the first month of his life.

I stayed on the medications for about three months as a preventative measure, but I am totally cleared now.

It was always my dream to have a large family, but I find myself wondering if I am able to have more children after having ppp. Has anyone had ppp and gone on to have more children? I plan to meet with a psychiatrist next month and discuss it but he is just a general psych. I am having so much anxiety about a future pregnancy, but my heart also very much wants another child. Can anyone relate?

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi webermo09 and welcome to the forum,

It's good that you have found us and been able to share your story - I too had PP, back in 2009 when my eldest was born, and also felt very alone and isolated until I found APP. I hope you have also found our website? There is a wealth of information on there too, including useful "Insider Guides", including Recovery and Planning Pregnancy: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

The Personal Experiences page may also be useful in terms of reading others' stories: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

I too feel that I missed so much of the first part of my son's life but at the same time I am grateful that others around him were there for him when I was not able to be. Getting well was the main thing and I feel fortunate that I have made a good recovery and not experienced PP again when I had another child in 2013.

Are you in the UK? There are a number of specialist perinatal MH teams who should be able to support you in terms of thinking about whether you want to have further children. Your GP or midwife should be able to refer you. It is a very personal choice but there is some good support out there. For us, it was important to feel as ready as we could be and have plans in place, but also know that there was a risk. So I really relate to wanting to have more children, and that did happen for us - I am fortunate that we always wanted to have 2 children and not any more, so it's not a decision I will need to take again.

In some ways you are still quite early on in your journey I realise and being able to talk to a psychiatrist, even if just a general one, will hopefully be helpful to you in getting more information and support. Please do come back and ask more questions if you would like to share more of your experience and journey. We are all here to listen. Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello webermo09

Congratulations on the birth of your baby I'm very pleased you found the forum too as it is such a friendly space to find support and shared experiences. It's such a shame that the joy of a baby should be tarnished by such a traumatic illness and I'm sorry to hear of your frightening episode. I had PP many years ago and was sectioned for my own safety to mixed general psychiatric care with everything being very real and frightening at the time.

You have done very well to come off medication in such a short space of time. I wonder if you have seen the PP Insider Guide, "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" which might be helpful to read at app-network.org/what-is-pp/.... There is also a guide for partners and shared experiences on the page. Another guide on the page is "Planning pregnancy: A guide for women at high risk of Postpartum Psychosis" I notice you are in the US and although the guides relate to services in the UK, some of the info might be helpful.

I hope your appointment with the general psychiatrist is reassuring. There are mums here for whom PP did not return in subsequent pregnancies. Another source of information and support might be Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net. They have local support in the US and if you go to the page and click "Get Help" it will take you to "Find local support and help" where there is a map of the US where you can input your location and hopefully find support in your area.

I'm sure there will be other mums here with good advice and shared experiences. We are all here to listen. Take good care of yourself. x

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello webermo09,

I am getting prepared for our holiday break, but seen your message and wanted to send you inner strengths and energy for living with the momentum and feeling strong about a wonderful future.

I can not give you any advise on having a future pregnancy as I am more of a mature mum. My son is now nearly 9 and we are a happy family unit of 3 including our very old pussy cat. Rest assured, there are lots of wonderful mums who have had second and more pregnancies after PPP. Thus, I am sure you will be signposted to relevant info and getting to know some fab ladies.

I am touched by your summative and I do relate to so many points of your lived experience. I have had PPP in 2010 and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, which was not suitable for mums, who just had given birth to a child and suffering with PPP. Unfortunately the next MBU on offer was in Manchester...far to far for my partner and I, who are based in the South West. Luckily this all has changed now as the nearest MBU is either in Bristol or down in Exeter.

Maybe a bit if a reassurance for you that perinatal mental health is changing and improving drastically and more awareness is raised!

I felt completely isolated for 5 yrs and so terribly lonely inside my head. But this all changed when I found like you APP...since then my mental health has been improving gradually...I even got help from a wonderful Psychiatrist linked to APP, Professor Ian Jones...he diagnosed my long term struggles as Bi-Polar...This diagnosis was very important for my partner and now we can work with the mood tracking and ride the waves using coping mechanisms.

Overall I believe it is important that one feels love and kindness in ones own sanctuary. I honestly can say that I survived, because of my amazing partner...

Wishing you well, take it steady...I have learnt to live with stepping stones, enjoying the momentum and beauty in life...slowing down increases awareness

[Freedom200]

Hello webermo09,

You are most defiantly not alone with this mental illness. It was so bizarre how lack of sleep and all our chemicals in brain work. I also could not trust my family during my manic state either. There is a lot of preventative measures you can take in future pregnancies to avoid getting to this manic state. Write down all your symptoms of how you felt during your episode and even leading up to it. My psychologist said that lack of sleep is one of the number one triggers that can bring anyone to a manic state. Have a game plan to ensure you get a good amount of sleep is KEY! I found a prevention program in my state that allows new mothers to attend a half-day program. It mainly for a woman who are dealing with postpartum related issues to come together and learn coping solutions and talk therapy with counselors. They also provided counseling over telehealth if you needed to talk to anyone who specializes in Postpartum Psychosis. There website: betterbeginningsfl.com/

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello webermo09

I hope you found the replies here helpful. Just wondering if you have managed to access local support from Postpartum Support International in the US? We are also here for you across the pond Take good care of yourself ..... I hope your appointment with the psychiatrist will be helpful.