why did this happen?

[Olanzapinelenny]

hello, although I know it’s unhelpful and perhaps unhealthy I find myself continually pondering why I developed pp.

I know there is not enough research on the topic and I’ll never know why but my latest theory is unprocessed trauma and anxiety from a previous anaphylaxis hospitalisation. As adrenaline is used to control the reaction And adrenaline is also relevant in labour. As well as it being a hospital situation perhaps out of control and feeling unsafe.

This is late to come to mind as I think it’s been in my subconscious and I’m frustrated I can’t discuss with my consultant having been discharged. Is it common for people to obsess/ give thought to why pp has occurred for them? Or best to move forward and make peace with things…

[Babylove254]

Hi there, I had PP last year after the birth of my daughter and I too became severely obsessed with finding out why I got it as no other mother in my family did. I had an unmedicated vaginal birth and the only thing I can think of is that the labor was too intense and the stress was still high from having contractions for days without enough sleep. Two of my uncles have bipolar and schizophrenia so that could be it too. Do you have family members who have mental illnesses? it could be a factor.

I finally had to give up my obsession cause God only knows why

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to Babylove254]

hello, thank you for your reply. There is no one else in my family with any mental health conditions diagnosed. Hopefully time and distance will help to think about things less. Hope you are keeping well.

[Rkmummy Volunteer]

Good morning Olanzapinelenny

From my experience I definitely had some ‘why me’ moments, such a rare thing and why did it have to happen to me?

As for your theory, Im no expert on why women get pp so I don’t know if there is truth to your theory.

You must be doing well to have been discharged from your consultant, are there any medical professionals still involved with you who you could ask?

Have you considered one to one peer support from app? That really helped me.

I guess you will make peace with things when you are ready to, it can be difficult to process and talking about it will help

Take care

RK

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to Rkmummy]

thank you for your reply. I have also been discharged from the community team and don’t feel it’s worth it to discuss with gp. I’m back to work but find myself very distracted. Will consider one to one peer support. Hope you are keeping well.

[Skyblue7]

dear

i would just make peace with it, most people say if u had bad birth i didn’t i had the most easiest birth no complications nothing. i was reading about why people develop pp and from what i read it hormone imbalance which makes sense to me i took my tablets which have really helped me and i’m on the other side i recently come off mine on average it says it takes 2 years for your body to recover from birth which i’m just past i know other people take longer and have just abit coincidence. i hope u find some peace and just focus on yourself take care xx

[Carmen25]

I also pondered for a long while why me. I think in my case there was a link between sleep deprivation (I was in hospital for 2 weeks prior to my son’s birth and 2 weeks after and on very noisy ward so had very little sleep).

However my strong belief now is that it was hormonally predicated.

After PPP in 1999 I was well for 17 years (including after the birth of my twins in 2002). In peri menopause in 2016 I had a rapid and profound descent into psychotic depression and was in n hospital and desperately unwell for 6 months.

I am now fully recovered and have had no further episodes since 2017.

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to Carmen25]

thank you for your reply. Hope you are keeping well now. I think sleep deprivation is also relevant for me but it’s hard to no which came first pp or sleep deprivation.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Olanzapinelenny, I think we have all wondered at one point why was it that we developed pp. We don't know for definite what causes pp, there is information on the APP site about the factors that can come into play, perhaps you have already seen it?

app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

I read Laura Dockrill's book "What have I done?" and she says her psychiatrist gave her this answer "it just wasn't your day". It sounds like tough love a bit, but I thought it was great advice, we can move forwards with more ease when we are able to let go. Do take your time to process it though, with kindness and compassion towards yourself. This has been a huge trauma to go through so take all the time you need. Be here for anything you need

[HelenMW Volunteer]

hello there

I honestly feel you can ask anything you want about PP here. We have all been there and probably ask ourselves the same question.

Long after my PP which was in 1988, I came across something called The Edinburgh Scale. I ticked a lot of the boxes. Recently moved, no family or support network, a very stressful marriage …..

My labour was very traumatic and I was high on a lot of pethedine. After the birth I didn’t sleep at all and the high just escalated until I sort of crashed and was sectioned.

I think we all have a few similarities and of course some aspects unique to each one of us.

I think it’s very natural to wonder ‘why me?’

I went on to have two more babies with no recurrence of PP but then I had a stable marriage and total support post natally with family, friends and professionals . My births were not a trauma and I had no pethedine.

I volunteer now with a musical mental health charity and could not have done so without my experience in 1988. I feel I have empathy with people experiencing depression, psychosis and this seems to help them share their stories.

Hope this is in any way helpful.

Warm wishes, Helen

[AinslW]

I understand. For me… looking back, I can see a history/ pattern of hypomania off and on since being a teenager. Bipolar also runs in my family. Then the combination of trauma and hormones and sleep loss I think drove me into hypertension/ mania/ psychosis after our son was born. Now I’m a little confused bc I have a bipolar diagnosis but that’s the only full manic episode I’ve had and the only psychosis I’ve ever experienced. But my psychiatrist tells me that I am now more susceptible to it happening again and hence the bipolar diagnosis and treading carefully for instance with not prescribing antidepressants that may stir any potential mania or psychosis. It’s all very complicated and yes I think about it a lot, too.

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to AinslW]

Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry it’s ok your mind a lot but thank you for saying so it makes me feel less alone.

[guinea1]

Hi there, it does take time to recover, I feel we all go through the stages of questioning why and what if, I still do it and my daughter is 28years old, though for the last 7 year I have been in and out of therapy because there was so much unprocessed trauma, to do with the birth, the PPP the general psychiatric hospital and just shutting everything away, until the glass got too full and broke. I have come to the conclusion that even though I will never actually know the full reason for developing PPP, but there are definitely a combination of events, the delayed second stage of labour, the bad experience with the epidural, the vontouse and a not so understanding doctor, the lack of sleep, the breast abscess, the shame and devastation of not being able to breast feed as too painful, too many people visiting all built up to it.. I don't think it was one thing it is a build up of negative frightening experiences, all around the time of birth. I would say it is never too late to seek help, it took me all those years to gain the trust and have the strength to reach out for help, I wish I could have done it earlier.. but back in the day little was known, got told it was rare so thought I was on my own, until I found here. I found counselling was very helpful at the beginning of this journey as found out about me and my strength and that with everything that went on in the labour and afterwards I didn't stand a chance.. it maybe worth asking your gp if there are people who you could talk to, or look at mind if there are any maternal therapy I know they help here one to one if that would help, sometimes it is needed to talk thing through

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to guinea1]

thank you for your reply this was a really helpful post. X

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello Olanzapinelenny,

I think it’s so natural to ask why PP happened to us – I think I asked my mum ‘why me?’ when in the MBU and her reply was ‘why not you?’ and ‘shit happens’ (said in a very lovely way!). I spent a long trying to make sense of it all, but I think her responses just about cover it to be honest. I’m sure lack of sleep played a big role for me, and I believed for a long time that it happened because I couldn’t cope with not getting enough sleep, which made me feel like I’d failed, but I know now that it can’t have been the only factor. Maria has already shared a link to some FAQs which include what we do know about the causes of PP, but there’s so much we don’t know.

What I can tell you for sure is that it’s not your fault, it’s nothing you did or didn’t do. PP really is indiscriminate in who it affects and for me, the more stories I read the more I could see that was true.

I think we all have to process things in our own way in order to find that peace. There are probably multiple factors at play for each of us, and your previous experience may well have been one of those factors that then created your own ‘perfect storm’. I think it’s good to be talking about it and as others have said, talking it through with a professional may be really beneficial.

I hope you’re doing ok. Thank you so much for posting and asking about this.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Ramlah_at_APP Volunteer]

Hi Olazapinelenny,

It’s completely normal for us wonder and ponder why we developed PP. Looking back it took me a while to acknowledge that it wasn’t my fault. I remember the days I used to feel guilty , asking myself constantly why it happened.

What gave me inner peace towards it is accepting what had happened and helping fellow women who are going through PP to give them the strength that they will overcome it and that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Kind regards

Ramlah xx

[Isabella5991]

hi dear,

Wow I feel seen! I obsessedddddd for a year continuously over why I got it and how to prevent it. It was awful and felt like another illness even though I was recovering from the severe illness. Perhaps a bit of ptsd we experienced?

After a year my brain started to change a bit more in a positive way, more of a getting well again brain and I could stop obsessing, finally.

You will too! And it slowly got better throughout the year. I don’t obsess anymore 😊 How long ago were you unwell?

Take care,

Isabella xx

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to Isabella5991]

hey Isabella, thanks for your message that’s so positive to hear. I was admitted for five weeks and medicated for eight months but feel like I’m still feeling the after effects now over a year on wbu? X

[Isabella5991 in reply to Olanzapinelenny]

Bless you xx after effects of meds of trauma?

Trauma is still there in ways if I ever talk about what happened,I used to shake if I spoke about the details, but mostly it has died down massively and am able to live a happy life. I don’t obsess or dwell anymore and focus on the present as much as poss. I was poorly three years ago, but I will stay on meds for life as I wasn’t well without them before my episode too xx

[Olanzapinelenny in reply to Isabella5991]

Thanks so much for your message it gives me hope. Hope you are keeping well x