Feeling 'why me'?

[Anna_10]

I suffered with pp after my first & only child, coming upto 3 yrs ago now. Every now & then I think 'why me?' I had the perfect pregnancy, perfect t birth. Then 3 months after my beautiful baby girl was born. I go and get ill?! I know now it's nothing I did wrong but sometimes it just feels like it was all my fault. Does anyone else get a horrid feeling of guilt & flashbacks of traumatic moments? Wish everyone the best out there that is going through this. Xx

[suzannah0]

Its hard. When I'm feeling like this I find researching about pp helps to understand better. For example this week I found exactly what areas of the brain were affected. Its just like a physical problem in some way. it's not my fault, my brain has just been wired a little differently, and medicine can help it. But at the same time I recognise it's awfully scary to have gone through the experience. For example with me it was terrible having police come to my door to take me to hospital..but I'm safe and that's the main thing. Now fourteen months on, for me, my brain has healed, and life is back to normal.

[Anna_10 in reply to suzannah0]

Thank you for your reply. I wish you all the best. I will research the brain too. Sounds very interesting. Take care xx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Anna_10,

I'm sure we can all relate to these feelings. I had PP in 2012 and still feel sad for the times that were lost and that it shouldn't have been that way, but I also believe a lot of positive things came out of my illness.

I think it's natural to think 'why me?'; it's such a cruel illness at what should be such a happy time. It can happen to anyone though, and I remember my mum saying to me when I was still in the MBU "why not you?" and that stuck with me.

I too did a lot of reading up on PP when I was recovering, and understanding the illness more and reading about others' experiences on this forum really helped me to process what had happened and come to terms with it. I spent a lot of time feeling like it happened because I couldn't cope, particularly with sleep deprivation (that's probably true to a certain extent, I do need my sleep!), but I now accept there's more to it than that! There will probably always be some sadness and that's OK.

I'm sure the feelings of guilt will get better with time but you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty, it wasn't your fault.

And yes, I still have flashbacks occasionally. It's a massive trauma and a lot to process, but time really does help.

Take care, I hope it helps to talk here x

[Anna_10]

Thank you J-B 55. I know it's definitely helping with time and do think I have had a lot of positives out of it. Just having a funny five mins! I find it so helpful talking on here and that fact I can try to help others. Xx

[Vbajic]

Hi

I know exactly what you mean

I had severe depression and pp and was suicidal with my son who is 4 and a half now and ended up in hospital for 4 weeks in 2012. It's really hard to not feel guilty even after a long time but I think this site really helps to talk to others and share experiences and realise it does happen a lot and it's an illness chemical inbalance x I think it's important to realise you are doing a great job in being a mum and look forward to all the lovely things ahead I think in time it will get slightly easier and I think it makes you a stronger person that can understand 😊

Take care

Vicky x

[Anna_10 in reply to Vbajic]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your nightmare. It definitely helps talking on here and time is also a healer. I wish you all the best. Take care Anna xx

[Hidden]

Hello Anna_10

Time will heel some of the wounds; an emotional turmoil and a journey of recovery with a story to tell; but hey I am not on my own anymore and pleased to have found this forum and listen to many PPP stories, all quite diverse within themselves.

I have no regrets and have tried to learn accepting me as a person, who has had an accumulation of traumatic experiences. Life is more restricted, but I live my moments more often fulfilled with cheer happiness and gratefulness.

I found love and purpose in my new roles as a mum and partner. Despite my fear and anxiety, hyper sensitivity of smell and noise and lots more my skills have re-shifted and developed. The illness and my path of recovery opened new channels inside my brain outpouring an enormous amount of creativity. Things I used to supress in my busy career have now been prioritised...

Wishing you happiness and no regrets

Sabine x