Not sure

[jododo]

My little girl is 8 weeks and things have been getting harder. It’s depression this time, rather than pp, but when my depression gets bad I get psychosis with it. Today I have heard voices. Not commands, just telling me how crap I’m doing. I know it’s just a worsening of my own self-criticism but it’s still horrid. My husband is out so I’ll tell him when he gets back. I’m going to phone the crisis team now.

[Kats88]

Sorry to hear you are suffering from pnd 😔 I also have psychotic depression and it’s very tough. I have never fully recovered from PP. I think it’s great you are calling the crisis team, it’s best to catch these things early and you stand the best chance of recovery. It’s also good you can open up to your husband, I hope he can offer you the support you need x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello jododo

Sorry to hear things are getting harder for you. I hope your husband is home now so that you can talk about how you are feeling. Did you manage to get through to the crisis team?

8 weeks is very early into recovery and extremely hard when you have depression. I had depression with a voice telling me similar things which impacted on my self esteem.

The thing to remember is that this voice in your head is your illness, I know that's difficult at times. Even when my husband reassured me I wasn't sure I believed him but with good medical support and medication the voice faded eventually.

If you can't speak to the crisis team today, A & E at your local hospital should have a team to help and advise patients presenting with mental health issues. Or the Samaritans are there 24/7 on 116 123 or email [e-mail]/.

Stay safe and please keep writing here if it helps as there will be other mums to offer coping strategies for this awful time you are having.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi jododo

I really hope you are feeling a little better since you posted and managed to get through to the crisis team. Take good care and try to rest when your little girl is sleeping.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Jododo

I just wanted to write too to say I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling low and with some negative voices too, that sounds horrible.

Are you getting support from any mental health team, like a perinatal mental health team? I hope you’re able to get the support you need.

We are all here for you. Do write whenever you need to.

Ellie xx

[jododo]

Thanks for your support.

I had a better day yesterday but really struggled today to even get out of bed. I woke up (or re-woke) when the alarm went off to tell us to leave for school which was pretty crap. Somehow we still made it just on time even if I was wearing joggers over my pyjamas. Thank goodness my husband had got our son and everything ready before he left for work. After the school run me and baby came back to bed for a bit then my friend came round to check up on me. She made us lunch and cleaned the kitchen and just told me to go easy on myself. Then I lost my sons scooter at the shop after school so I’m feeling useless again. Plus we met an acquaintance who asked about birth (planned caesarean) and breast feeding (I can’t) and it’s incredibly hard not to feel judged.

Tomorrow I’m meeting my care co-ordinator and hopefully get a date for a medication review with the psychiatrist. I’m getting support from the perinatal team too but no appointments this week.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Jododo

It sounds like you're doing so well, getting your kids to school and coping with it all even though you're not feeling great. That's really good you had a friend to meet up with, and who helped you out.

It's good you're seeing your care coordinator today. I hope that helps, and she will be able to get you a medication review, and offer you some support. I hope that you have a better day today.

It is always hard with other mum's, feeling insecure and worrying whether they may be judging me, particularly when you're feeling down. To me, having a planned caesarean and bottle feeding sounds like really good choices, you have done amazing, making hard choices, in order to have the best chance of staying as well as possible for your kids. I know of others who have made similar choices too.

Losing your son's scooter... I honestly am so scatty and forget and lose things all the time too, and I'm feeling well at the moment so shouldn't be so distracted! I've left my son's book bag in a shop, dropped his sun hat and left it in the street... the list goes on. But I know how those small mistakes can seem so much bigger when you are feeling down and thoughts telling you you're not doing good enough, but it really isn't true, you're doing amazing to be battling with the depression...

Take care, we are all here for you whenever you want to write,

Ellie X

[jododo]

A better day again today... I think the main thing for me is to make sure I get out early in the day. Once I’ve made myself get up and moving for the school run I need to keep the momentum!

We were a few minutes late for school today but otherwise all has gone well. GP appointment for post-natal physical checkup (good, need to give my body longer to recover though as joints are still a bit dodge especially carpel tunnel). Health visitor weigh in (good, she’s now tracking just below the 9th percentile rather than dropping further). Collected scooter (phew!). Lunch with friends. Care co-ordinator visit, who is happy I seem better than last week but concerned at frequent up & down, I have a meds review 2 weeks today but keep going as is with lots of distractions until then.

[Jocelyn_at_APP Partner APP]

Hi jododo,

Sounds like you had a much more positive day. That's great and must be really encouraging for you. It's all about the little steps. They'll build up and as will your confidence.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. You sound like you are doing amazingly well.

Take care xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi jododo

Glad to hear you had a better day today, it sounds like a busy one with lots of positives. Keeping a bit busy sounds like a good plan, I know I found planning my days helpful, even down to the smallest household tasks or little trips out.

Take care, and I hope you continue to feel a bit stronger and more positive

Ellie x

[Theo116]

Dear Jododo

Firstly massive congratulations on the arrival of your new baby. I have read the whole thread and just wanted to say that it sounds like you are doing great. Sometimes I think we give ourselves a hard time and make things even harder for ourselves. I know when speaking to other mums because I do find myself with the same thoughts as you Sometimes, they are finding it hard too. I have locked myself out the house so many times since I had my little one, I just can not remember the keys ! (lucky my neighbour has a set). Please be kind to yourself and remember you need time to recover to you have had a big operation too and a new little bundle of fun to look after. I look forward to hearing updates from you. You are doing just great, Marie x

[jododo]

I’m away at my parents with the kids and missing my husband and home terribly. My mood has been better and far fewer intrusive thoughts but still lacking motivation and it’s so tough. Plus my appetite is out of control since I came away and I’m worried about more weight gain. I only just got the kids to sleep at 11 and I’m being kept awake by a bees nest in the wall of my bedroom and an owl and various other little noises I’d forgotten since moving to the city. I’m driving us home tomorrow thank goodness. Today mum was talking about how different I am with Rosie than I was 7 years ago with Reuben, which I know is true but hard to hear. I just don’t feel at all comfortable talking about it with her, I don’t know why, it makes me feel judged.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi jododo

I hope you had a good drive back home today after time with your parents and kids. It's good to hear that your mood is better but I too remember thinking of the differences in myself with my two kids (pp then not) and I know it would've frustrated me to hear others say it. I think we are our own harshest judges as Mums, especially after pp, and we just need to be kinder to ourselves. Easier said than done I know!

Enjoy the rest of the week,take care, xx

[jododo]

Well, the journey home was slow. I stopped to pick up my husband from work but then the M4 was going to be awful due to rush hour plus a nasty accident so we stayed and had dinner out before he drove the last of the way home. Today my father in law has Reuben to give me a rest which is lovely

[jododo]

I survived half term!

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi jododo

Good to hear you're safely home and survived half term!

I hope you can have a good restful sleep and the school run won't be so much of a challenge next week although it's not easy trying to cope with depression and routine. It's good that you have friends to be with for lunch and your care co-ordinator is monitoring your ups and downs. Try to rest when your baby sleeps. Take care.

[jododo]

The psychiatrist says I have psychosis again. He’s probably right as I’ve been hearing voices. I’m also feeling pretty low. They mentioned MBU or crisis team but it’s still just an option at this stage. I have a friend coming round here this morning to keep me company and mental health nurse this afternoon. I’m just so tired of life. I know it will get better but I wish I could press pause and hibernate until it does.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Dear Jododo

I'm so sorry that you're struggling so much. As you say, this will pass and you will come through this. It sounds like you have some good professional support, and it's really good you have a friend coming over.

I hope you can get all the support you need, try to take it gentle, and let people help you (something I know I struggle with), and that you find some time to rest.

Thinking of you, we are here for you,

Ellie X

[Hazello Volunteer]

Hi Jododo,

It must be so difficult having PP for a second time, and disappointing, however from what I've read you sound like you've got some awareness of what's going on and you're seeking out help.

Just a wee message to say we're all rooting for you and that you managed to get well last time and you can again.

A big cyber hug from me!

Hazello

[jododo]

I just told my poor son I would take away his favourite toy monkey and never give him back. What have I done? I was just so angry because he hit me.

[jododo in reply to jododo]

He’s now hysterical and I’ve gone for a walk

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi jododo

Please don’t worry. I’ve said a lot in the heat of the moment and then felt awful afterwards, your son won’t hold it against you. Just give him a cuddle when he’s calmed down and everything will be ok.

I don’t react well to my son hitting me (he’s 2) , I think it’s natural! Removing yourself from the situation and going for a walk is a good idea.

I’m sorry to hear you’re unwell again but really glad you’re being well supported. You will get through this.

Take care.

Jenny x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello jododo

I hope you have had a calmer day today. I'm sorry you are having a hard time, hearing voices again. I relapsed during recovery from my second PP and although there were no MBUs then, I did spend time in hospital in times of crisis. I just wasn't coping at home.

Was the visit from the mental health nurse helpful? It's not easy coping with such an awful illness, family and routine so perhaps a short break in the MBU would help you. Take good care of yourself and try to rest as much as you can. Please pop in here for support if it helps to talk. xx

[jododo]

Thankyou. I’m forgiven and things have been better. My husband has worked at home yesterday and today which helps me but also means he’s able to spend a bit more quality time with Reuben which is well needed.

Today I slept until noon (while poor Andy juggled the baby and his laptop!). I feel so much better for it and trying not to feel guilty.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello jododo

I'm glad you have had good company at home which enabled you to sleep. Really pleased to hear you feel so much better for it. No need to feel guilty ..... you're going through a lot and need to rest. Try not to stress about doing everything as your husband has been able to have time out with your son too, Take care.