Thank you for this forum and for reading my post! In brief, I am realizing 23 years after having my Son that I had post party psychosis! I can't believe no one saw this and so I didn't receive any help at all. It started the day after he was born when I realized that his birth weight of 6 lbs 13 oz.- (I'm in the USA), was the exact number of good deeds in the Old Testament. Long story short; I thought because of this he was the Messiah. I thought that as the future messiah he should never cry, or have anything but breast milk until age 6 months. I had trouble nursing but persisted in not giving him formula. In retrospect I feel so sad. Oh the other hand at 23 he is doing very well and we have a good relationship, but I think he would be a calmer person (he has anxiety) if someone had seen my psychotic state and I had received help.
I don't know if anyone on the forum can relate to this, but I feel so sad for this time in my life as I was suffering and missed the special time of infancy.
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leonora318
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I suffered PP 26 years ago after the birth of my daughter. I was diagnosed at 3 weeks postpartum and spent 4 months on an MBU.
I had been very keen to breastfeed my baby and managed to do so successfully for those first 3 weeks. However, once I was hospitalised I was told to stop feeding her myself and switch over to formula, presumably because of the medication I needed.
I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to give her what I considered to be the best and also missed the intimacy of feeding.
We switched her onto SMA formula which a colleague of my DH had recommended as being the best brand and she thrived on it.
Apart from a little eczema she grew up to be very healthy. We very rarely had to visit the doctor.
She’s now a healthy young woman. My only concern is that she is really quite introverted and seems to prefer her own company to that of others. I blame myself for that.
I think that all mothers carry a certain amount of guilt whether they’ve experienced illness or not. It’s part of the territory! I’m definitely coming back as a man next time round! My husband never feels guilty about anything.
Welcome to the forum and I am sorry to read you were undiagnosed. It is interesting how your brain picks up these numbers and links to things that then lead you to beleive strange ideas.
I know its hard but try not to blame this period of your life on your sons anxiety. I suffered PP 18 years ago and my son has extreme anxiety now, but I just think with the current way of the world is, it is hard to avoid anxiety in life. It is great you have a good relationship with him so hold onto that 💜
Thank you for you kind reply and comforting words. It's true about anxiety being so ubiquitous especially for our young adult children. It's sad, but at least they have moms who are thoughtful and trying their very best!! Wishing you a peaceful day!
I am so glad that you found this community. I am so sorry though that you suffered undiagnosed PP., thank goodness there is now more enlightenment about the condition. I would, if I may, echo what Mrs. jelly and Koala have said. I too suffer with Mother’s guilt, it seems it comes with the territory. I did not suffer the trauma and shock of Postpartum Psychosis, my daughter did, so I know of some of the distress it causes.
I would say that all the Mums on this site are brave warriors, you have come through something terrible, survived and got on. None of us can claim to have been the best Mum ever, we did the best we could, with what we were given and with what we were capable of with or without help. So don’t beat yourself up be proud you are still standing, so is your son. I am sorry that he suffers with anxiety, many of us, sadly, do these days, so many sad and bad things in the world over which we have no control. We just have to do our best, be kind to one another. More kindness is needed in the world.
I think it is a good thing to acknowledge what happened when you had your little boy, but know that it wasn’t your fault it was a terrible illness. I wonder if you have been able to access the APP Guides on the site, they may help you come to terms with everything. Also take special care of yourself around menopause. Perhaps think of positives, hobbies maybe. Not an expert in any of these things just older and trying to be wiser.
It is always easier said than done, but try not to dwell on what might have been. You have a good relationship with your son, he is doing well and that to a large extent that is down to you.
Thank you Judith for taking the time to send such a kind and thoughtful reply! Your daughter is lucky to have you as her mom! Yes to everything you said! I am practicing self compassion and seeing the incredible resilience of us moms around the world! What a difficult time to raise kids at this time of such societal instability and negativity.
One thing I wonder is if I should ever share this with my child- that I had PP? I may even post this question. Enjoy your grandchild!!!
I’m so sorry that you battled this on your own not knowing it was postpaturm psychosis. I was hospitalized shortly after the birth of my son but was simply told it was a manic episode and I was bipolar. Fast Forward my son is 9 months and a therapist drops that phrase but says I didn’t have it. I looked it up and was like what this is exactly what I had. I then asked my psychiatrist and he confirmed it. I’m not sure why no one told me about this. While related to bipolar it is another extreme on it’s own. Plus once I had the proper name I found support groups. These support groups would have been so helpful to me when I was in the thick of it.
I also believed my son was the next Jesus. He was born with a very unique red birth mark on his forehead. It looked like a few things but I convinced myself it was a crown. I had never seen a baby with a birthmark like that and I had never seen pictures of anyone in our family having this. Of course that’s the not the only reason, but I can’t help but wonder if he hadn’t had that unique marking, maybe I wouldn’t have gone down the rabbit hole so severely.
Dear Maria, Thank you for your honest and compassionate reply! I can't tell you the comfort it gives me knowing that other moms have also thought their child was the savior! I have only shared this "secret" with one dear friend. Wow thank goodness we both survived and returned to reality. Enjoy your son, he is so lucky that his mom is so aware and has gotten help while he is a baby! Warm wishes to you and your family.
I accidentally sent my reply to you to Maria below, my apology. I will now send it in the right section!:
Dear SJSharks, , Thank you for your honest and compassionate reply! I can't tell you the comfort it gives me knowing that other moms have also thought their child was the savior! I have only shared this "secret" with one dear friend. Wow thank goodness we both survived and returned to reality. Enjoy your son, he is so lucky that his mom is so aware and has gotten help while he is a baby! Warm wishes to you and your family.
I am so sorry to read you endured pp undiagnosed and did not received the right care. It is quite uncanny how our brains make extreme connections when we are poorly. A few mums on the forum had delusions of a religious nature, not too disimilar to what you describe.
I am probably right to assume that all mums will be able to find something to feel guilty about when it comes to their children. NanaJudith's wise words, are so important to remember in those moments of self doubt. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but at the time you made the best decisions for your child to the best of your capacity and it was not your fault at all that you fell ill with pp. Be proud of what you achieved despite the most challenging of situations, your mettle, determination and love carried you forward. Those are the qualities of the best of mums.
Perhaps it may be of some help to find a professional to talk to about the trauma that was pp back then? If you feel it could help you overcome your feelings of guilt?
This forum helped me no end when I found it 4 years ago, as for once I could normalise my own experience and share something that could be perceived as shameful and in some way under my control. I hope the replies so far have made you feel a bit less alone.
Thank you, your words brought tears to my eyes, because it's so true that it wasn't my fault that I suffered this terrible condition and the responsibility was really with the doctors and midwives and post party doula who did not see what serious distress I was in. Thank you for suggesting that I consider meeting with a professional too. It's strange, but just posting here and reading other moms' replies has been so comforting and therapeutic. Thank you for monitoring this site! It's really wonderful. Warmly, Leonora
Hi leonora318, I am glad you are finding reading other replies reassuring, it is a very empathetic group of courageous mums. I hope you find a good therapist that can help you overcome this past trauma that was pp. All the best in your future and write here whenever you want to update or share or ask any questions.
Thank you for your post. Sorry to hear you didn't get the help you needed back then. I had a similar situation 15yrs ago after my first child. It wasn't until I was having my second child 5yrs later and describing my previous illness to medical professionals, that I heard the term PP and understood more what had happened to me. Like you, I often wonder if I had received better help at the time whether the outcomes would have been different for me and my child. My first child has mental health difficulties, and like most mums the guilt is there that maybe they wouldn't have the difficulties if I'd not been poorly after having them.
Regarding breastfeeding, that was a big issue for me also back then. I was adamant on nursing, even though it wasn't going well, which made me reluctant to start on meds to help my condition. However, once I finally had to go on meds as I got very bad, baby was fine on formula. I got much better then and it helped that others could feed the baby.
Hopefully resources like APP and this forum will help you, like they've helped me, to come to terms with your experience and understand that it's not our faults we were unwell. Many people have mental health issues and everyone's personalities are different, so our children may well be the way they are regardless of whether or not we'd been poorly back then.
Now my child's older, we've both found it helpful to be open about what happened when they were born and to talk about our health quite openly.
I'm only very recently starting to talk about my experiences all these years on. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I hope that when you feel you'd like to talk or write about your experiences that you find comfort and support here
thank you so much for your kind reply. You answered my very next question which is I've been wondering about talking with my son, who is now 24 about this. I need to think about this more and what my hope would be in having this conversation and may even post the question above. I have already found support here and appreciate your encouragement to feel that additional posts would be welcome. Wishing you a lovely day!
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