Help please!

[MOTYish38]

The most difficult part of all of this is feeling good one day and completely irrational the next. I keep experiencing a scenario where I am abandoning my children. It feels so real but I’ve never actually done this. In the scenario I leave them in public places so they can be found by a better mother. I see myself driving away and then something snaps in me and I start crying hysterically because I could never do that.. I look up in the rear view mirror and they’re still there. This just makes no sense to me. I even have the conversation with them about why I left them. It happened today again and I pulled over and just hugged them and kissed them. Why is this happening?!! Someone help me understand why I’m punishing myself like this..

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Hello MOTYish38,

I’m really sorry to read your post today, it sounds extremely distressing for you. Especially as it’s happening when you’re driving you poor thing. Well done for pulling over and stopping. That’s definitely the right thing to do in that moment.

Is there anyone you can speak to about your thoughts? I know you said you were worried about speaking with your partner, so is there anyone else you can confide in so you’re not alone in this?

You use the words punishing yourself. You must remember none of this is your fault. Your mind has been so very poorly and you’ve gone through so much. You are not doing this to yourself on purpose.

When I was my most sick, I remember my sister trying to reassure me by saying it’s not real it’s your poorly brain playing tricks on you. It feels like these intrusive scary and frightening thoughts are similar.

Are you able next time it happens to stop what you’re doing take deep breaths and think this is not real. Let the thought come and go. And know that you wouldn’t abandon your children. By virtue of knowing and feeling that these thoughts are so awful and scary for you it must show you just how much you love them. So very very much.

Do you think you could maybe go to see a doctor if you’ve not already? I wonder if they might be able to offer more support and advice. I really feel for you, and wish I could take away these feelings you’re having.

Trust that this is temporary and with the right help and support you can get better from this.

I just finished putting my daughter to bed, and I said to her as she drifted off “you are brave, you are bold and you are beautiful”. I thought of her and of all us PP mums when I said those words. You’re not alone in this, whatever this is. We’re here for you, but do reach out for medical help too. We all need support sometimes. And that’s ok.

Sending hugs hugs to you.

Rachel x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello MOTYish38

I’m sorry you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts. It sounds like a very frightening experience. Have you been diagnosed with PP? I had PP many years ago and can remember how some days were better than others.

I notice that you are in the USA and wonder whether you might find local support via Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net/? There are support co-ordinators available depending on which State you live in. Of course you are always welcome here too. Apologies if you already know about PSI.

I hope you can confide in a family member so that you find the help you need. I’m so sorry it is causing you such distress. Take care and stay safe.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi MOTYish38,

I am so sorry that you are having these intrusive thoughts that are causing you such distress. I applaud you for keeping so calm in that situation and doing the right thing. I am really sorry you are experiencing this at the moment.

It is very hard having to cope with all this on your own and some professional help could be helpful at the moment. This is not you doing this to yourself, it is not your fault or anyone else's, it is an illness just like a physical illness with the difference that its symptoms are more difficult to observe with the naked eye. Please don't feel guilty or ashamed, you are a great mother and although I don't know you I can tell from your 2 posts here how much you care for your children.

Also as Rachel suggests, reaching out to a close friend or family member can be helpful to get some support. The resource of postpartum international that Lilybeth points out is also a good point of call for getting support from other mums who have gone through similar experiences to yours.

Take good care, please reach out whenever you need to or just want to drop for a chat, we are always here to listen.

[Delucia]

I am so sorry that you’re going through this I don’t know if there’s any right answer but I think talking to somebody and not being hard on yourself Blaming and feeling guilty about this I remember having My baby in my hands end thinking who would be the best mother for him as my husband said I’m his father I will take care of him he is our son you are not alone postpartum psychosis Has been the most traumatizing thing that ever happened to me and it’s gonna take time to heal just be patient and kind with yourself I know you are a great mother! It is good that you reached This is a good place to start!

Remember to try to sleep eat exercise meditate Journal

Take good care 🙏

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello MOTYish38

Thinking of you and hope you found the shared experiences here helpful.

Have you been able to confide in family or friends about how you were feeling? I hope you can find peace of mind and someone to help you through this distressing phase in your recovery.

We are all here to listen if it helps. Take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello MOTYISH38

A few weeks now since you posted and just wondering how you are? Were you able to connect with Postpartum Support International for local support in the USA?

Recovery from PP can be up and down with some days better than others, as explained in the PP Insider Guide “Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis” at app-network.org/what-is-pp/.... With time the good days will outweigh the not so good. So be gentle with yourself and take care. We are always here to ‘talk’.