regret

[Skyblue7]

back again.. having had ppp. I was put on meds which then felt better I’m on anxiety tablets however I have good days and bad days but I’m now at the point where I’m actually thinking that I regret having this kid. Then I feel bad. But why am I feeling like this I have no support around me and never get time to myself away from my toddler.

why is this so unfair no body tells u how hard it is. I haven’t got a appointment till sep 1st as they want to see if the meds they put me on work. I would never harm her but wish my life was back to how it was b4 I had her. Other people I see have. Why is my life now on hold never to do nothing again..

[Dolly292]

Hi, I know exactly how you feel.

I had PP after the birth of my son 18 months ago and I have gone through the same feelings as you. I haven't even admitted to my husband that at times I actually regretted having this child. Recovering from psychosis is absolutely huge. Do not underestimate it.

I have recently been taken off my medication and I can't tell you how much of a difference that has made. I am starting to feel a bit more like myself again and starting to enjoy having a toddler around (but I still find it hard and sole destroying picking food up off the floor 3 times a day). You've just got to walk it, keep going and one day it will be so much better than it is now.

I'm sorry to hear you feel you haven't got any support around you. Have you tried contacting your local homestart charity? Homestart are fantastic. They can support families with a volunteer for two or three hours a week (not much, I know, but I have had a lady volunteer come to my house every week for a couple hours). Sometimes she will watch my child while I have a bath or sleep or anything I need to do for me.

I hope you've got a APP peer support worker too. My phone call with mine helps so much to validate the things I'm thinking and feeling. Nobody understands psychosis like someone who has been through it.

Sending love xxx

[Skyblue7 in reply to Dolly292]

Dear I was taken off the psychosis tablets and they said was anxiety but still get bad day which suppose u do I don’t know no one has never said. Yes today only feeling it that I regret having her she is 18 mo too.

I’ve asked for help then it went away and come again so back and forth with docs starting again. But feel like I need long term support for when I do feel bad.

I’ve never been told why or why taking tablets etc.

just want people to understand.

I couldn’t tell my partner I regret it he wouldn’t u derstand too.

I’ve tried signing up to the support on here but never went thru.

[Dolly292 in reply to Skyblue7]

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It sounds like you need to seek out some tangible support (which is easy to say & harder to do).

Try home-start.org.uk/

And see if you can get a volunteer to support you.

I do know exactly how hopeless it feels at times, you just have to push through and keep going. It will get better in time x

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Dear Skyblue7

I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and that you don’t have any support around you.

Thank you for posting so honestly, it can be hard to reach out and share these thoughts and feelings but it’s really normal to feel this way through the ups and downs of recovery (and also I think probably for all parents at times – parenting a small child is hard work!). I’m sure you’ll find a lot of support and understanding here, you’re definitely not alone 😊

I don’t know if you’ve already seen APP’s insider guide ‘Recovery after postpartum psychosis’ – it contains some really helpful information and resources for different stage of recovery, written with the help of others who have ‘been there’: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

I know it can feel so frustrating just wanting to be back where we were before but I’m sure you’ll get there in time, or perhaps find that you’ve become a slightly different but hopefully stronger version of who you were before, after everything you’ve overcome.

I hope the medication settles down for you soon and the good days start to outweigh the bad. Do try and keep a note of all the positives each day – I know I could be having an ok day and then one negative thing would happen and that would be all I could focus on…

And yes, if you’re in the UK and would be interested in one to one peer support via APP, do get in touch 💜 - information about our peer support can be found here: app-network.org/peer-support/

Sending you very best wishes,

Jenny x

[Skyblue7 in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Tried signing up but page froze so not sure if will get the support via this.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to Skyblue7]

Thank you for letting me know - I've just sent you a direct message x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Skyblue7,

So sorry to hear that you experienced pp and are currently feeling anxious and have no support around you. It all sounds incredibly hard and I do feel for you.

Being a parent is the hardest job ever and like you I have so mourned for my old life, many times, specially in the early toddler years when it is a constant push for independence from them and on the other hand the need to keep them safe.

I recently came across a book that I think every mum should read for their own sanity, it is called "Good mums have scary thoughts". It is written in an almost comic format that makes reading possible when having a little person to look after at the same time.

I hope that the medication starts making things manageable before your appointment on the 1st of September. In the meantime please do not hesitate to reach out here, you are for sure not alone in these thoughts and feelings.

[Skyblue7 in reply to Maria_at_APP]

I might look at that book. So hard that I wish for my old life back. They do t tell u these things when getting pregnant I think it’s bad that no one speaks about it esp before being outgoing and travelled well. So hard with no support. And my partner can only do so much

[Rkmummy Volunteer]

Good morning skyblue7

Sorry to hear your not feeling great but the fact that you’ve been honest on here and are signing up for peer support will be a step in the right direction.

Lots of people struggle with parenting toddlers, even without the added issues of ppp like Jenny said. I have a nearly two year old and he had the biggest meltdown in public this week and nothing would calm him. Parenting is tough! It changes everything and we have to put another human before ourselves for anything we do.

So it’s easy to be envious of that pre-child self who didn’t have that massive responsibility.

Being on medication can be tough as I know I felt medication suppressed all feelings.

Carry on sharing on here and get the peer support, sometimes just writing it down can help.

Take care

RK

[Skyblue7 in reply to Rkmummy]

Hopefully get some help on here who I can chat too. It’s hard knowing what life I had before to doing nothing and looking after someone else. I see other parents who do what they did before like hobbies and me well I have no time I’m constantly with my 18 mo. No breaks from her. I’m hoping my tablets chill me out more but highly doubt it and no one has explained them

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Skyblue7

Thank you for reaching out to us here on the forum, and having the courage to be so honest about the feelings that so many of us have experienced of "what if.... I hadn't had this baby". Recovering from the trauma and lost expectations of 'happy motherhood' can be so, so hard when we have had postpartum psychosis. Try to be very gentle with yourself and have lots of compassion for the natural frustration, overwhelm and loneliness that can come with being a mum of a toddler - and especially a mum who has been unwell. I found there was a lot of grief in the mix for me when my children were in the toddler years.

When my youngest daughter started nursery, I really struggled again with my mental health and the sense of all I had lost through PP and depression. I did find it really helpful to have some counselling with my local Children's Centre and eventually also paid for some private therapy to carry on this work. It can be worth talking to your GP or Health Visitor to see what talking therapy is available for free on the NHS in your local area. Most areas will have an IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies) service which have relatively short waiting lists and can offer around 6-12 sessions.

Thinking of you lots - we're all here for you.

Warm wishes

Naomi

[Skyblue7 in reply to Naomi_at_app]

Hi Thanks yes I find it really hard adjusting and to be fair if she was going to a playgroup and get time to self I would be more happy to get time to myself. I haven’t had a day away from her since she was born.

I no not many people would think this as u say u was more anxiety I think I would be more excited to be getting a day to myself. Sounds bad but when u have no support.

I’m in the process of getting on a list to speak to someone.

I feel better after speaking. To some one but trying to find people who listen is another thing

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer in reply to Skyblue7]

Hi Skyblue7

It does sound so hard not having had a day away from your responsibilities as a mum. When I was unwell, I was offered a few funded hours at a local nursery when Ella was 2 just to give me some respite. This was organised through a Family Support Worker at the children’s centre - might be worth seeing if there’s anything like this in your area?

As Dolly292 says, Home Start can be brilliant at offering mums a break too. Have you chatted to your partner about how you feel? I wondered if there’s any way he can support you to have a day to yourself once in a while - or support you by asking any local friends or family to step in for a day?

Thinking of you, it’s not a thing to feel guilty about at all to need a break and some time away to just be “you”.

Naomi x

[Skyblue7 in reply to Naomi_at_app]

Hi I might ask the doctor when I speak to her. Erm no we tried that and 1 brother has his own life and the other 2 brother judge and make remarks which we don’t wanna be apart of.

So basically we on our own. Not sure the people will give funded hours prob depends on situation of money right?

[Naomi_at_app Volunteer in reply to Skyblue7]

I really identify Skyblue7 with not having that family support and keeping a distance from any judgemental stuff which you just don't need right now!

My experience was quite a few years ago now (2011) but the extra funded nursery hours we had at that time weren't dependent on our income - it was part of a family support package we had through social care. If you want to send me a private message (you can use the Chat button with the paper aeroplane icon at the top) and let me know where you're based in the country, I'm happy to take a look at whether there is a Children's Centre providing these kind of services in your area.

Thinking of you - it's definitely important to reach out and not feel bad about asking for NHS / social care support when you're so overwhelmed.

Naomi x