Hope ,recovery is possible

[bettysadki]

Hi kindest women ,i miss you so much .I came back with good news ,my sister is fine .yes after all horrible moments we are happy again .she started to take care of her kids and to communicte ,we go out .but there is the problem of being too tired and she is worried as she can t work .she asked me to ask women here who recovered wether they are productive again note she is two months of ocd depression and pp medication ,after 7months of tring meds a great doctor found the right ones ,I hope you answer me .big hugs and best of luck

[Jocelyn_at_APP Partner APP]

Hi Bettysadki,

This post makes me so happy, I am so glad your sister is doing so much better!

Your sister will be productive again, if that is what she wants. She just needs to be careful not push herself and take things slowly. It can take some time to recover and it is best to take it slowly and not rush into things.

There will be ups and downs in the future and this is totally normal, so just make sure that your sister is aware of when to take it slowly and rest and not push herself too much.

She has been through a huge ordeal and has done so well, as have you. Please look after yourself too!

Jx

[bettysadki in reply to Jocelyn_at_APP]

Thank very much I gave her your reply se is thankful too .thank so so much

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Hi amazing sister bettysadki

So pleased to hear your sister is fine. After PP, depression and OCD it must be very hard for your sister to focus. She will need a lot of support as recovery does take time as it is such a struggle to come to terms with everything that has happened.

The medication might also have the effect of slowing your sister down, which she needs to take to keep her stable. Try not to worry .... with all your good care and reassurance she will be able to return to work eventually but needs to take very good care of herself at the moment for a while. On page 5 of the PP Guide "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis at app-network.org/what-is-pp/... there are short sections about exhaustion and anxieties about the future which might be helpful to your sister.

Remember to take a break for yourself too ..... good to hear from you.

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Oh sweet lilybeth ,happy to talk to you again i miss you ,you are right in all what you said .i told my sister about you helping other women ,you are amazing person ,i will see the link thank you very much

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Hi bettysadki

We are all here to share our different experiences to recovery. Your sister is very fortunate that she has you to rely on and we are here for you too. Take care.

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Indeed you give hope ,you are great

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi bettysadki, thanks for your update, good to hear things are going well for your sister. I too remember being tired and work being hard going in my recovery from pp - but it will get there, it does take time but the productivity comes back for so many of us, even if it is different than before. It is what is right for each person and family. Take care, xx

[bettysadki in reply to Hannah_at_APP]

Hannah thank you very much ,I do all my best to help my sister ,I never forgot your support ,please keep giving hope to people who have no one to help them ,may allah bless you 💕

[bettysadki]

Hi Lilybeth and all the beautiful princesses here I miss u ,I'm happy to tell you that my sister is improving ,I have learned many things lot lots of things from this experince,my sister suffered a lot and so you did but this made of you strong people ,I do respect you ,I wish I can say my story on how a false diagnosis can destroy one' s life and his family too , I hope I can help in a way ,I' m back just to tell you I love your attempt to help others ,I ask from allah to find someone to help me when I will be in need ,sure god will do ,please please keep helping the ones in need 💗

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Wow betttysadki ...... it's been a long time since I looked in the mirror and saw myself as a beautiful princess thank you so much! I'm very happy that your sister is fine. You have been such a great support during her illness and recovery and I hope she will find her place again. Faith is a great comfort in times of need.

I'm sorry about your own false diagnosis and hope you find peace. You are amazing and it will help other mums here to know that there is always hope in the midst of such an awful experience. From one princess to another ........ take good care of yourself and try to rest when you can ❤️️ Lovely to hear from you.

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

You are princesses indeed ,i don t know you ,you are far far away from my country but I feel the beauty of your soul ,the fale diagnosis i think was that they immediately give her strong med that was worsening her condition ,we have been through difficult moments ,the kids suffered a lot but thanks god as you told me she is improving ,what i want to tell you always take care oof your self you all are the best and you deserve to be happy ,one of you told me once about ocd ,yes it has a relation ,doctors should ask and do investegations about a patient before giving med it is a life of a person not simply something not important ,the sickness runs in our family may be one day I ll be psychotic before this i ll always take care of my sister and her kids,I wish you all the best and beautiful things 💞👸🌷

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

I'm sorry that your sister had such a bad start with her diagnosis which made her condition worse. Awareness and treatment of PP varies in each country I think but you did so well to recognise how ill your sister was and stepped in to make sure she received the treatment needed, taking care of her children too. You are a star coping with so much and I hope your sister continues to improve each day with all your good care. Very best wishes. 🌷🌷

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you very much my angle ,take care ,best wishes

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Hello bettysadki

Sending a comforting hug across the miles for all you do for your sister and family Take care and try to take a little break in your busy days. 🌷🌷

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Dearest Bettysadki,

you are such a wonderful and caring lady for your sister.

Like your sister my recovery took a while as I was not receiving appropriate care nor the right medicine in order to tackle the hallucinations.

After 39 long days I was discharged from hospital and my partner was my full time carer.

After Psychosis I was diagnosed with a chronical condition (Bi-Polar), but just to reassure you that has not stopped me to be productive throughout recovery. I just work not anymore as a lecturer, but feel very fulfilled in my volunteering work, being creative as an artist, being a mum to my wonderful little man and a partner to my soul mate.

Of course I am always cautious with stress levels and have my coping strategies, which is supported with love and kindness by my support network-family and some lovely friends and compassionate ladies via APP...

Take good care of yourself marvellous sister!

x

[bettysadki in reply to Pikorua]

Thank you very much ,for these words ,tears are in my eyes but they are the tears of joy and happiness ,I hope I can meet you all in aljanah yes you are great people ,you deserve الجنة in english the paradise 💗🌹🌺

[bettysadki in reply to Pikorua]

Hi sister ,can you tell me about these symptoms (my sister 's)her eyes s shape change to wide open when she is anxious which most of the time in the the day ,and sometimes the eyes become normal ,I think that is bipolar and she has ocd ,she keeps asking me why she can t remember past events and i keep telling her that this is normal as we all forget quickly also she stays in bed and think in the morning ,note she is on medication and she can t work ,please tell me about your self are you still on medication if you are not can my sister be like she was before this postpurtum psychosis and depression ,are there any advice for me on how to deal with her ,the message is too long but i really want to help her ,my dream is to see her fully happy and relaxed with her kids ,💖💕

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

Until Pikorua is able to reply about symptoms, I thought I would write to you. I think you are doing really well in reassuring your sister about past events. Sometimes if things are too painful or distressing to remember I think we can block them out and put a lid on them. I'm sure eventually your sister will be able to recall what happened following the birth but I think the details will be too distressing to hear at the moment, as they were in my case.

During my psychosis I did stay in bed as it was my safe space but eventually, as I recovered, I became more confident that I could cope. I'm sorry I don't have any experience of bipolar. As you might remember from your previous post, I had a similar experience to your sister, having PP and depression. It does take a while but with medical support and your good care she will be better. I think you are doing all you can to support your sister. In spite of being struck by such an awful illness, it is possible for your sister to lead a full and happy life with her family. Try not to worry, your sister will recover in her own time.

Take good care of yourself as you have so much on your shoulders. We are all here to listen. 🌷🌷

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you very much ,yes she is better now she started to change the baby 'diapers and she started to take care of the other two kids ,she first had psychosis but the depression that followed was severe ,more than you can imagine you can t imagine the panic attack she used to have ,the body was vibrating and she said she can t live anymore the time where she tried to commit suicide ,once you sent me a site and i asked and one of them told me your sister could have ocd and may be yes she had it and now she is on medication antipsychosis,antidepressant,mood stablizers but she started with the help of the doctor to reduce the doses the only problem that remains is that she has obssessions she is afraid to become crazy and she all the time tests her memory .beside what i wonder is the eyes of her you can t imagine how they change according to her mood change .I wish i can understand ,thanks for ensuring that she would recover ,I m glad that I have heard again from you ,since my childhood i dream to talk to native speakers of english ,Here i m alking to you all ,I see how kind and how you take others into consideration ,thank you very much you best mum ever and cutest princess 💐

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

Good to hear from you. I'm glad that your sister is much better than she was. I don't think we realise how much trauma we have been through with PP and expect too much of ourselves, too soon. I think with your constant reassurance and as your sister recovers step by step, she will be more confident and less focused on becoming crazy. She has done very well to reduce her medications. Perhaps you could ask the doctor at your sister's next review if he can explain why there is a change in her eyes according to her mood?

We are all here to talk and grateful that you have shared your sister's experience with us. She is very blessed to have your loving care. Please remember to take care of yourself too and find a little time for a break in your busy days. 🌷🌷

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you very much for these words that are a reassurance for me too ,i will do my best ,thank you very much ,it is a honor for me to talk to you ,I have lots of traumatic events in my life being an infertile woman in a society that respect a person for what he has not what he is i also I have one sister that once used to give me hope now she is the one who needs help ,I feel I have to say this even if it is not appropriate in this sutuation but I feel better to write it to you ,I wish you happy life and my last words is that please take care of yourselves ,we live one life what ever happen the ones who love you want to see you happy and smile smile smile and breath ,you deserve to be happy

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki,

I am very sorry to hear about your own traumatic events. We are open to listening to any worries you may have, so your words are not inappropriate.This is a safe space to come when we are carrying a heavy load and need to say it like it is. I appreciate your kind words and hope too that you will find the peace and happiness you deserve when your sister is fully recovered, as one day she will be. You are very welcome here anytime .... take good care as you matter so much to your family. 🌷🌷

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi ,i called my sister and told her what you say ,she seems very relaxed after hearing ,when ever is possible i will do the same ,thank you so much

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Hi bettysadki

I'm glad your sister felt a bit more relaxed after hearing that she will eventually get better in time. I think it's difficult to say how long recovery can take as our paths are all different, some longer than others. It's important for your sister not to rush to be well although I understand how she must feel. During my second recovery I so much wanted everyone to know that I was fine and reduced my medication without supervision. I wasn't as well as I thought and went downhill very quickly. So try to reassure your sister that her thoughts of being crazy will fade as she recovers one day at a time.

There is a verse by Sandra King which I think relates to our life experiences :-

"Be like the single blade of grass. For she too, has been trampled on, mowed down, and hit with such bitterly cold stretches that she had to shut down to survive. Yet still she stands upright, with dignity, knowing that she endures, and still she dances with the wind."

When I was recovering from my unthinkable self-harm, delusions and hallucinations, like your sister, I never imagined I would be well again. With time vivid memories fade to be replaced by happy family times, which is how it will be for your sister. It must be very hard for you helping your sister who once gave you hope and now relies on your good care and loving support but she will be well again. Take care. 🌷🌷

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

The quote is really such cold water to me in a hot day ,it is like a light in a dark place ,You now the feeling me and my sister feel i have nothing but to say you are a gift from allah to me you are the example i would all the time remember ,you did it you sirvived and here you are giving hope to in need people ,i ask god that I meet you in paradise ,big big big thank you

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Thank you so much bettysadki ..... you are the real star here, coping with so much from day to day whereas I'm just one of many hoping all will be well for you and your sister in time. I admire your courage as it is very scary to see someone, especially your sister, experience such a challenging illness and find the right support.

I'm glad the quote was refreshing .... I think it's very hopeful. Faith has been a great comfort for me too. Thinking of you across the miles 🌷🌷

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Refreshing yes it is the word i was looking for ,thank you so much

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Your cooling words of the quote being like cold water on a hot day were far better than the word 'refreshing' bettysadki .... we are all here for you 🌷🌷

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

You are so kind your family must be proud of you ,thanks take care too 🌹🌷🍒

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Dearest bettysadki,

my apologies for not replying any sooner, my son has finished school yesterday and we are busy preparing for the summer holidays.

First of all I am truly sorry for your own sorrows. Emotional turmoil, because of social and cultural pressures can be very traumatising.

Post Partum Psychosis is very extreme indeed, and I do believe even though we are all PPP survivors our recovery journey is very much dependent on recognition of illness, first hand intervention during acute illness with meds and health professional support.

The after-care is vital and in my case was extremely important such as a care plan suitable for my needs and involvement of support network by professionals and loved ones. I believe quite a few factors contributed to my slow improvement, such as loosing my dad and my mum in law in 2013 and 2015.

Bi-polar is not easy to be diagnosed, there are many people who never will be receiving a diagnosis. From my research quite often people will not be identified at all or not till later in their life such as Nena Simone (a great musician and activist, which I just found out recently)

If mums have had PPP and are being identified with BP, it would be BP1, because of the manias experienced already throughout Psychosis. The Spectrum of Bipolar is very diverse, I am on the mania/hyper active scale...however, I am more of a cycling mode, where there are more than 4 episodes within 12 months...or sometimes interchangeable where I have symptoms from the lows combined with hyper activity.

Lows are Insomnia and mind racing in my case and that affects my overall well being such as concentration level and listening skills. Tasks are rather difficult. I am not keen to be surrounded by people. Communication is very tiering. I love my hyper moments as I am extremely creative, but it is so much harder for my partner and son to reach me. I am often in my own bubble!

Yes, when poorly my eyes are very dilated! My disposition always has been there, meaning it was in my "make up" and reflecting back on my life style before I had my baby in 2010 my diagnosis makes sense.

Look after yourself, too fabulous sister!!! x

[bettysadki in reply to Pikorua]

hi pikorua ,congratulation for your son ,💗🌺 i read every single word you have written to understand what does it mean to have bipolar ,i think the phase of hiper activity is the good part of it especially if you are creative and you enjoy it ,the bad moment are present though but as you said when someone fully understand the condition he or she no more adds the load of worring and stressing about the symptoms ,I hope you a happy holiday ,thank you very much ,i called my sister and told her what Lilybeth wrote to me ,she felt relaxed and she said asj them about the period (the time ) that the fear to be crazy fade or gone ,she seems to be eager to be recovered ,best wishes

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Dearest bettysadki,

thank you for your lovely reply.

Living with the momentum and enjoying life is pretty much my motto! It is wonderful to be surrounded by loving people as you are for your sister.

It takes time to heal, but all those amazing mums are survivors and have recovered from PPP. Your sister will improve gradually.

My son is nearly 9 years old and we are a happy family unit. Conditions can be managed via therapeutic healing and my spiritual focus.

Wishing you well. Love and kindness for your sister and you!

x

[bettysadki in reply to Pikorua]

Thank you lovliest mum

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

Sending best wishes across the miles to Morocco 🌹🌷 I hope over the past few months your sister has continued to slowly improve and life is easier for you. Thinking of you .... take care. ❤️

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Time flies, I remember our conversation, bettysadki. Hope you are well and your sister is recovering in her own time.

Take good care. x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

Just wondering how you are in Morocco? I hope your sister is well and you have been able to be together again since the virus isolated everyone. Here in England (Wales, Scotland and Ireland are at different stages) some restrictions have been lifted but we still remain cautious. Hoping life is a little easier for you .... take care. 🌹🌷

[bettysadki]

Oh my dear i miss talking to you. happy you are fine .things are far better now .my sister is on medication .tapering some of them .the good news is that she is going to be back to school .she is going to take the responsibilty of the children alone .she is a little afraid but I always assure her that every thing would be fine .is it safe to stay all her life on some medication? and do you think that she could manage the job while on respridone and some benzo ?do you know similar experiences ? Hope you are fine and happy .kisses 😘 sister lilybeth

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi sister bettysadki

So happy to hear from you and that your sister feels she will be able to take more responsibility, although a bit afraid. I’m sure with your loving support she will find her way.

I’m sorry I can’t answer your questions about medication and whether your sister could manage her job while on Risperidone. Years ago Risperidone wasn’t a medication that I took but I will ask the team at APP for their advice

Sending kisses back to you across the miles Take good care of yourself as you are taking care of your family.

[bettysadki]

Thank you very much my dear

[bettysadki]

Hello lilybeth ,how are you ?i hope you are fine

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

Lovely t hear from you. I’m fine, thank you and hope you are too? How’s your sister? How are you coping in Morocco with the virus and restrictions? It’s a worrying time isn’t it. Take care and stay safe .... thinking of you

[bettysadki]

Thank you very much glad you are fine ,my sister is fine too as you once said recovery is possible .the virus is still spreading but no confinement except in the cities where lots of cases .it is compulsory to wear a mask .again I m happy to hear you are fine little angel 😘

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

Good to hear your sister I fine ..... how are you? The virus is very frightening but we haven’t been confined and can go out, with restrictions. Masks are compulsory in public places and on public transport. I find them very claustrophobic but necessary to stay safe. I’m happy to hear from you.

Take care

[bettysadki]

Take care too 💐best wishes

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

I think your sister is very blessed to have your loving care and support.

Stay safe xx

[bettysadki]

Hi lilybeth am proud of being in touch with such a kind and caring person like you

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi bettysadki

Thank you so much for your very kind words ..... we are all sisters in this together

I hope you are well and your sister is coping if she has been able to return to teaching. Perhaps her doctor will be able to reassure her about being on medication long term? Take really good care of yourself and stay safe.

[bettysadki]

Thank you best sister

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Dear bettysadki,

you are such a kind sister. I've been reading the last messages of yours as I've been offline for a while. So pleased you had such great interactions with Lilybeth. She was the one who helped me tremendously, when I was struggling too much back in 2015/16.

Such good news about your sister's improvement of health and well being.

When I was very poorly, the last meds I used to wean off with was Risperidone. We are all different in our make-up and of course individual needs are diverse. In my opinion with the support and help of health professionals' advise it is possible to eventually be meds-free, as

all mums on this site have recovered from PPP.

Wishing you well and stay safe.

[bettysadki in reply to Pikorua]

Hi Pikorua I am glad you recovered .Yes lilybeth is a kind caring person .I really feel better reading her words .she must be a gift to her family same like you .I hope my sister take the same path as yours .though she is quite different as she had the ppp due to the anxiety disorder that leads to the pp.so may be it will take longer to wean off medicines or she must take it forever .she has always fears and worries .but at the same time she is a strong loving and amazing person .she started enthusiastically her job even if she is still on lot of medications .My dream to see her back to her life come true .thank you so much .I feel proud to be a part of this forum

[Pikorua Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

You are more than welcome and thank you so much for your kind words, bettysadki. Yes, your siss will find her path in her own time. We all have and with such deep loving kindness of yours, recovery is happening.

Only when I was home and being cared for by my loving partner I woke up from a pretty nasty dream and regained quality of life. Trauma makes you appreciate life. My gratitude for another day is always there!

Take it steady.

x

[bettysadki]

Thank you so much .all the tears ,worries and the nasty dream we together have been through strengthens us an make sense to this life .the lesson that I learnt is that we must live fully the moment as it is all what we have .the past is gone .the future is in hands of god .so we should accept life and be nice to ourselves first ,positivity will brighten our roads .thank you again .You are in my prayers .😘

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi bettysadki

Lovely to hear from you and your words of kindness. You are such a good listener for your sister to lean on and very wise about life’s lesson. I think more than ever we need comforting thoughts to bring us hope for the future, just as in all you have said.

So happy to hear your sister started her job .... a big step in the right direction supported by you always. Faith and hope is a great comfort to me. You are in my prayers across the miles. Stay safe.

[bettysadki]

Thank you .you are my family .stay safe too

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Goodnight bettysadki ...... your APP sisters are here for you Be safe.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

Thank you for your message. Just wondering how you are and whether your sister is now much better? I hope things in Morocco are not too difficult with the Coronavirus. Take care.

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi lilybeth I 'm happy you are fine ,my sister is fine too, she is back to her life ; to us ,children and career.the youngest child is now very attached to her and I am happy to see her back again .for me still the warrior hhh but this time with my depression .I feel very lonely .for the virus .things are surprisingly weird .I mean people meet and crowded in the day but locked in houses in a certain time at night . .again I am happy to hear from you 😘

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi bettysadki

Lovely to hear from you though I’m sorry that you are feeling very lonely with depression. I’m sure you have been holding everyone up and have forgotten about your own needs. I know you will be fighting as you are still the warrior but depression is hard.

As you say, things are weird and have been since all the restrictions. It’s very sad how so many have been lost to the virus. Our city is beginning to be much busier during the day but most are keeping their distance

I’m glad your sister is fine after all your good support. Do you think she will be able to support you with depression? The trouble is that being isolated is not helping as it’s much better if you can talk to release your feelings.

Some years ago when I was feeling flat I heard a song in a shoe shop, “I’m going all the way” by Sounds of Blackness which reminded me not to give up hope. “I may be down sometimes but I won’t be down always”. It’s still on YouTube and still gives me a ‘lift’ when needed.

It’s not easy feeling depressed and trying to cope with routine in uncertain times. Be kind to yourself and find your inner strength to reach out for help as you have given so much of yourself to others. Thinking of you 😊

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult situation and things are complicated. Is it possible you could confide in your sister? Stay safe and take care.

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Thanks a lot 😘i wish I can find harmony and inner peace.hugs best friend

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

I’m not sure if this will be helpful but the Al-Hasaniya Moroccan Women’s Centre offer confidential support and although based in the UK they have a Facebook page.

I also found an email address, al-hasaniya.org.uk which might be an outlet for you and suggest a way forward? Otherwise your doctor should be able to offer confidential support to you. Take care.

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Thanks a lot ,you are really golden .you are a family .I try to placate if things get worse I will communicate with the people you suggested .My mother and sister will not support other problems .this is going to be the last chance .I really feel proud to have such a caring person like you .thanks again

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Hello bettysadki

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so very sorry you are in this situation and hope you can find light and hope. We all care very much .... stay safe.

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

May all your wishes come true

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Hello bettysadki

I wish that in time you will find inner peace. Stay safe.

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

Hi ,I hope you are fine.I miss you

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Hi bettysadki

Lovely to hear from you across the miles. It’s been a while but we are all here for each other. I hope you and your family are well. Take care.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Dear bettysadki,

I am sorry for your struggles. You have been such a backbone for your sister. It is time to prioritise and allow yourself some therapeutic time.

May you be happy,

may you be well,

may you be free from suffering...

sending you love and light and hope you can find some peer support within your location.

xxx

[bettysadki in reply to Pikorua]

I love you sister 🌷

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

HI Bettysadki

It's Ellie here, I hope you don't mind me replying to you here as well. I'm so glad your sister is recovered, you were such an amazing support for her.

I'm so sorry though that you have been through so much yourself, suffering emotional and sexual absue. This is awful, and must be so traumatic for you. You mentioned that your sister is supporting you? I do hope you can find even one or two people to speak to about it. I don't know if there are any organisations in your country you can reach out to for support, including peer support from other women who have been through this? I know we have a lot of organisations in the UK. You are not alone, sadly there will be many women who have experienced this. There may be some who can reply to you here.

Thinking of you, and really hoping you can find the support you need,

Ellie

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi bettysadki 

I too am really glad to hear your sister is well but I’m so sorry to read your update of how things have been for you.

I’m sorry you feel responsible for what you’ve been through, it’s really not your fault. I’m also sorry it’s so taboo and something that’s difficult to discuss.

Hopefully there are more safe spaces out there like this one where you can talk and find comfort - trying to look strong for others can be exhausting when that’s not at all how you feel inside. I don’t know if this online directory I came across contains any sources of support that are freely accessible (I’m sorry if it’s not helpful or relevant, I’m not sure what kind of resources the directory signposts to but thought I’d share it just in case) - ostik.org/directory/page/3/...

I’m sure your sister would want to be there for you, if you feel you could confide in her. No one wants to see their loved ones suffering, but I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to be feeling so low and as if you’re on your own with those feelings.

I do hope you’re able to access some support and we’re here to listen - you’re not alone.

Sending you very best wishes,

Jenny

[bettysadki in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

thanks a lot It is really hard and the worst part is trying to mask what is inside me .I can t confide my sister for I m afraid she stop being sympthetic with me ,I know she will not forgive my mistake neither anybody in my surrounding .I need them being by my side but without telling them what really bothers me .thanks a lot i will visit the link

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to bettysadki]

Ah I’m sorry you’ve been through this. You won’t find any judgement here, I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself and find your way back to peace and happiness. Take good care x

[bettysadki in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

I need to feel someone is with me and having you all here listening and answering me is itself already a kind of relief.I am the victim of my fantasies .my mind made me feel in love quickly and reality is so different from what I dream and expect.Rejection is the worst thing please if you have kids raise them from the very beginning to never trust people without knowing them well.also give them all the love for they will not be needy in futur I wish no one feel what I feel .I gave love and he gave me a sword in the heart .

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

oh bettysadki I am so sorry that things are so difficult at the moment and that it’s hard to find support with your family, and your shame and taboo around it. From everything you’ve shared here it sounds like you have been through so much for many years, living in very difficult and traumatic situations .

You have great strength to have persevered through these, to still be here and to have been such a support for your sister. I hope that as time passes your difficulties will feel less intense, and I really hope you will find support you need. I’m so glad you can write to us here, I hope it’s helped a bit to reach out here. Take care

Ellie

[bettysadki in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

dear ellie ,thanks for your words ,yes I am very sad ,hurt .there are times when I need a hug just a hug .the worst thing in this life is when you can not say what is inside you .there are times when I touch the sidewall near my bed to just feel that physical contact .but I will never be able to share this to anybody but you in this amazing community .you know I wish I can die and find peace .may be god who really know what I feel will take me in his arms .But I will never end my life for my sister needs me in life .My mum needs my financial help.I give her money every month and I do not want her to lose that .I wish I am not making you sad for you all in this forum are special to me .but I trust allah that leads me to you to tell you my story .I want my voice to be heard .thank you my family for answering .love you

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki

I’m so very sorry to read your replies and how hard things are for you. Please remember that you are a strong woman ... not a failure and in no way responsible for the abuse you have suffered.

I hope when you feel stronger you will be able to take your driving exam again and hopefully there will be another chance of promotion. So don’t give up .... you are a victim and need time to heal. Over the years I have buried my abuse and it has affected my confidence but I get by.

You do matter to so many people and are loved. I hope from the list Jenny sent you that you will be able to find a way to speak openly as you have here.

You are not alone, we are all here listening. It’s not easy for you but take things a day at a time. You are not to blame .... please remember that 🌹

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

oh !my dear I miss you and sorry for what happened to you .You must be a strong woman to endure that .You are ideal .I swear that your name kept repeating it self in my mind throughout those years that I was absent struggling in my sorrows .and you gave me hope and I trusted you and here we are my sister is fine living with her family happily and I wish this time too I may heal .thanks a lot

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Dear bettysadki

I am so sad to hear in your replies and how distressed you are but thinking of your family when you have those dark thoughts. Have you been able to contact anyone on the list Jenny gave? We have “Women’s Aid” here and other charities but I’m not sure there would be anything similar where you live.

Is it possible your own doctor could help you find someone trusted to help you? It is an awful situation you were in and I know the effect of shame can weigh heavily, as it did for me. Your faith is strong and you are a rock for your family to lean on but try to find someone who can help you as you have helped so many.

In time perhaps you will realise that you deserved more respect than you were given and will be able to forgive yourself. Please find the light in you to shine again ... there is always hope. You are being judged unfairly due to stigma. Please don’t judge yourself, after all what choice did we have at the time? Take good care. 🌹

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

thank a lot lily you are golden .No I did not contact any one .I do not have niether a doctor .I can confide any one .I put my self photo in the avatar for you to see me as I want you to know the person who suffred in life and still wishes to live again .I love you in allah .You helped me by your answers I already feel better when you special people care and send to me .you make me smile .thank you from the bottom of my heart .

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to bettysadki]

Thank you for your kind words betty. That’s a lovely self photo ... you have been challenged in life but I hope in time you will be able to shake off the unfounded guilt and love yourself again.

I’m sorry you don’t have a doctor. I wonder if the care team who helped your sister would be able to give you some numbers of people who can help you? You definitely deserve to live again so I hope you will find your way to feel better about yourself.

It’s good to hear we have all helped you and even made you smile. You’re not alone .... take care and thanks for writing 🌻

[bettysadki in reply to Lilybeth]

you make me smile .I can not find the word to describe my happiness when you talk to me .When I was a child talking to a native speaker was such a far fetched dream.But now special and lovely people like you are giving me vibes and gave me hope to live again .my sister took her treatement in a private hospital called villa des lilas in casa blanca city .the doctor is very nice and he did a great job in reducing the doses of her medications without any withrawal symptoms , I sent him a message but I can not afford the money to travel and be treated .I am trying to cope with the anxiety and intusive thoughts by practicing airobic in a gym and while working with students but when I am alone I feel pain in my heart and think of the fact that I am left rejected and alone .thanks a lot and sorry for talking a lot .you made my day now I feel not alone .I will think of you in the morning for it is the worst part of the day as the depression is worse at that time I promise I ll survive and never give up .I wish you all all the best ,take care bye 🌹

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello bettysadki,

It is lovely to hear from you, - and I am so sorry for your struggles, but pleased you reached out to this forum.

I feel blessed that I learnt some techniques over the years in order to have some coping tactics when struggling with a LOW, which is usually happening after full moon for one week or when triggered.

When I was undiagnosed with Bipolar and before PPP I got rid of pain by excessive exercising, but without realising I also could have easily put myself in danger. Usually cycled under the staring night

Trauma and/or Grief can be like constant stabbing pain in our hearts. Attachment is not an easy one either such as hatred, jealousy and envy... Being ready to let go of the past by knowing that one cannot change it is a journey of recovery. I have made peace with those who have hurt me and stripped me of my dignity. I will not forget, but know that I am now, who I am because of all those lived pieces, whether negative or positive. I am grateful.

In my 30's I learnt important tools of meditation, which had been a lifeline as I was constantly in a survival mode. My Insomnia led me to night art therapy after Psychosis, but certainly APP was the vital key to gain help and support and to be able to talk about my inner pain.

Wishing you help on the horizon and that you will be able to communicate and trust! You will find your path and please do not hesitate to get in touch, when struggles are high.

I am sending you love and kindness.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Dear bettysadki

Hoping and praying that you and your family are safe after such an awful disaster in your homeland, Morocco. With love and every good wish 🌹