Even 8 years on from my first episode of PP I have regular moments of worry about the impact of my illness, and especially the gruelling times of depression on my two girls. Often though, out of the blue my kids will bowl me over with little things they do that completely reassure me of their wellbeing, and their love for me, and our unshakable bond. This evening at dinner we were chatting about spending mothers day with some friends and how the blokes are going to organise a surprise treat for the mums. My eldest was so excited and straight away wanted to take daddy upstairs to plan mission mother's day!
I think back to the tears of rage and shame I shed when after baby #2 I had to go back into psychiatric hospital and be separated from them both, and how I convinced myself that they'd never recover from having such a damaged mum. But they have recovered, they are recovering and each proud moment at parent's evening, each card with a drawing of a happy mummy, daddy and girls, each cuddle when we read a book has power to heal my heart, to heal my doubts and fears. I really believe there is always hope for bonds to be mended, for cracks to be smoothed out.
Hope this resonates with some of you, and offers hope to others who may be struggling with bonding right now or trudging through a time of depression. Somehow in the end, love wins.