How to help a daughter with denied PPP and BiPolar?

[greenmountain]

I am worried sick. My daughter has had BiPolar symptoms since her mid teens, but now at 33, she continues to even consider it, seek treatment, and is caring for a toddler with another baby due any day. Her husband is Asperger and cannot be approached, so we have done everything we can to support her, including moving 300 miles to be near her, but yet again, she has cut us off as she says we cause her “stress”. We do nothing of the sort, just “be there” and try to help with our grandson etc, but she is so overly protective of him, and disturbingly jealous if he even smiles at us, we try not to display too much affection for him in front of her, for fear of her flying into a rage. We love her to the ends of the earth, but the last few months leading up to the next birth, she has become manic again, not sleeping, not allowing anyone to care for her son, and now he has started having “accidents” again, where she has phoned us but won’t even let us visit or calm down. We have tried repeatedly to speak to her boyfriend but he is clueless, and although I approached Child Protection over 12 months ago (she obviously doesn’t know, they did nothing but send a Health Visitor once. She is now (again) blocking all contact with us, even ignoring texts, and we are having to move away as we cannot afford to live near her or manage to find work locally. She has no real “friends”, and absolutely no insight into her condition. Once we leave, no-one will be monitoring her. Does she have to kill one of her children or go into a complete nervous breakdown before anyone will do anything? Distraught!

[lillyofthevalley37]

Hi greenmountain a feature of bipolar disorder is irritation, if it manifests which it usually does it is often targeted at one specific person and that seems to be you although to be fair you have given her good reason by calling in child protection as they could've taken her child off her ? You say she doesn't know you did it but maybe she strongly suspects it

One thing that may help your daughter is fish oil capsules as they turn into serotonin in the brain she could have 5 x 1000 mg please note fish oil is not the same as cod liver oil too much of which would be toxic

5htp stops mania but I wouldn' t dream of recommending that during pregnancy although I think they give olanzapine to pregnant women better she has tryptophan rich foods like turkey potatoes and plenty of omega 3 flaxseed oil is a great source of omega 3

I'm sure your daughter and her partner love each other and their child all you can do is hope and pray for the best - send her boyfriend some fish oil capsules maybe ?

I know where you are coming from though as my husband has bipolar type 1 - I didn't find out until I was having our second child and he completely denies there is anything wrong with him he also got our GP to stop his medication so I have to give him 5htp when he is high - and his highs last three months he is high atm

[greenmountain in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

I can assure you that Child Protection never got involved. If she thought anything like that, she would have cut me off a long time ago! I have BiPolar, had an Autistic Son, and was plagued by Child Protection when he was younger, I swore I would NEVER get involved with Social Services again after the hell they put us through. To read your answer mentioning that first I take it you are similar to my daughter? We are talking about the life of a toddler here! Should I just go and throw him into oncoming traffic? It was an act of absolute desperation when I was 300 miles away and she was telling me she couldn’t stand his screaming any longer! I was, and am, prepared to do anything to protect my grandson, and if that means my daughter gets a kick up the arse to realise she must get help, I would do it again. I don’t give a toss if she knows or not, she’s done far worse to us many many times, but we have put it down to her condition and turned the other cheek because we love her. I’d say it to her face now if it had the desired affect. The baby comes first last and always.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello greenmountain

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear how distressed you are about your daughter. Perhaps before you have to leave, you could raise your concerns with her GP and might be reassured that there is a care plan in place for her second child? Hopefully she has been monitored throughout her pregnancy by professionals and they will have her best interests at heart. She is coping in her own way and as you say, you have done all you can to help.

I'm sorry I don't have any experience of bipolar. There is a helpline at Bipolar UK, 0333 323 3880, or email bipolar.uk.org/. Also, 'Mind' have an info page on bipolar with useful contacts. Like many mums on the forum I was diagnosed with Postpartum Psychosis, many years ago, twice. There are also mums here who are suffering bipolar.

It must be distressing for you as parents and grandparents. Take care.

[greenmountain in reply to Lilybeth]

Thank you Lilybeth. She won’t tell us her GP, and I know she is not being monitored, as a former Nurse, she can put on a very good act. She may have BPD or even Psychosis, I say BiPolar as that is what runs in the family. She said to me last week that she “didn’t know how she would cope with another baby, and she would definitely develop PPP”. When I offered to help she rejected the idea immediately, stating that “other Mothers can cope, so I should too”. We are being made homeless in a few days, if we could stay, we would, but she doesn’t want us around and has cut all communication. Red Flags everywhere.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello greenmountain

This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in... Are you in the UK? Is your daughter under a perinatal mental health team?

When you say your grandson is having ‘accidents’ do you mean you think she’s harming him? If she’s due any day now I’d hope the midwife/health visitor would be involved and picking up on any safeguarding concerns, and you’d hope if concerns have been raised in the past that they’d be aware and alert to any risks. Perhaps you can be reassured that if the health visitor has gone before and nothing more came of it that they weren’t concerned?

I hope your daughter has some support in place from health professionals if she is at high risk of PP? It must be a very worrying time for everyone concerned but hopefully there is a plan in place and professional support at the ready.

Take care,

Jenny

[greenmountain in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Hi Jenny. Although everyone that knows her personally knows she has severe Mental Health problems, she is an intelligent, first class actress as far as Health Professionals are concerned! She’s a qualified Health Visitor herself! She knows the safeguarding protocols better than anyone. I have no route into her Health Care down here. It doesn’t help that her boyfriend’s family are not at all interested in their son or grandson, and have ignored any approaches I have made to them. It’s a horrible situation. Yes we are in UK. I can’t say that I know either of them are intentionally hurting the little boy, but when she gets bad like this, bad things happen like running into main roads, continuously banging his head, falling down the stairs, and she describes her boyfriend physically throwing furniture around to name but a few. There is also “guarding” of him if he has a new bump on his head, and an absolute refusal to take him to hospital even though he suffers glycemic crisis. The mental distress alone on the little boy hearing constant rows and screaming must be horrendous?

I could go on, but how do I get the right people involved if she can sweet talk her way out of things and the gorgeous little boy appears happy when they visit? That’s not the picture we see at all, but as he’s not even at Nursery which she refuses to consider, this is a tragedy waiting to happen. 😢

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to greenmountain]

Hi greenmountain,

I’m so sorry to hear this, it sounds so difficult for you. As Hannah has said I think all you can do is continue to raise your concerns, and hopefully when more professionals are involved with a new baby on the scene they will take note of the concerns and be alert to any warning signs.

Do take care.

Best wishes,

Jenny

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi greenmountain

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm so sorry that your daughter has cut all communication with you which must be very distressing. Do you think her boyfriend will contact you if needed?

I think you can only hope that when your daughter has her second child the professionals will be on hand to monitor her and provide good after care for the family. Take care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi greenmountain, what a difficult situation for you. I’m sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling able to support your daughter as she is refusing this, and that the professionals aren’t picking up the signs that are worrying you. I don’t think I have anything to add to the helpful suggestions from others here but just to say that if you feel you can keep making your concerns to the relevant authorities then that, although frustrating and demoralising, not to mention upsetting, is something that you can do, in order to try and have the best interests of all concerned protected. It is so hard if she doesn’t see your concern but I can understand you want to help. I hope you are able to get her some support and take care of yourself too. Thinking of you, xx